07-28-01 @ 7:47 am EDT

It seems to be as I feared. I went and checked out the message board at the new site. Members seem to be joining up rapidly. One of them was one I write to frequently. He's usually prompt to reply. I wrote to him the day before yesterday and was surprised when I didn't hear back the next day.

That same day, he registered and posted to the message board.

No e-mail to me...

People come, they stay long enough to start friendships, and then they go, leaving me behind. I never get any "closure" or resolution. This is what holds me back in so many things, makes me hold grudges. Perhaps it's my fault for not being able to let more things go. But why do people bother befriending me when they don't mean it to last?

"I'd love to write to you, you know that. I'm busy right now, but I'll get back to you..."

That's practically the hymn of people who never mean to get back to me. Recently I heard it from the other one I write to, the one who disappeared for two months and then apologized and I accepted it...I think I fell for the same old trick again.

I'm swinging in a downward spiral as I have so many times before...maybe it's just that time of the month, I think it's coming soon, but it hurts just the same.

I wish I could shut myself in an isolated, insulated little shell. The outside world would NEVER even touch me. I wouldn't even have to know it exists. I would stay in my fantasy world. The people I created--the people who would NEVER let me down--Damien, Tal Natha, Anubis, the rest--THEY would be my true friends. They would never befriend me only to constantly let me down. And I could never expect too much from them, as I was the one who created them. And they would KNOW what I need, how MUCH I need.

Perhaps that is the problem. All of those who try to reach me, they don't know just how much I REALLY need. A simple "Hello, how are you, goodbye" will never suffice. Putting me on hold--even though I do that very thing--will not keep me as a friend. The moment I sense the "I'm too busy right now, I promise, later on..." excuse coming on, I back into my little shell and draw up the armor with just my head peering out.

If I were lucky, if I were stronger and not so weak, I would pull my head in as well, say "Screw them all then," and live all to myself. The outside world, real people have proven they cannot be depended upon or even trusted. Those whom you befriend the most, will hurt you the most.

I feel like something has been torn out of my chest, leaving an empty hollow, only the emptiness hurts...

I have no one I can tell, and even if I did, what would be the point? They would only say they DO care, but they're busy right now, please wait until later...

My need, my pain can't wait. All my life I know I've been stubborn and selfish, but I've also been keeping it all to myself so as not to irritate others. Then when people tell me they WANT me to open up to them, they then tell me they don't have the time right now, maybe later.

SCREW THAT.

I want to pull up the last piece of my armor, retreat forever inside my fantasies...I only wish I were strong enough to break all my ties and just DO so.

I'm too weak.