08-26-01 @ 4:47 am EDT

I think this means there's...one left. One person I write to with any regularity, and the irregularity is caused by my taking forever to reply to him. My fault again, see.

I'm honestly thinking of...I know I won't, but I wish I could...telling him he should no longer write to me and I should no longer write to him. It's strange, he's strange in that he hasn't yet gotten mad at me over anything. ANYthing. Everybody gets mad at me, moves on, lets go, forgets me. Why hasn't he done so yet? He hasn't even griped at me, though I've sensed his disappointment with my delayed replies. He hasn't gotten angry yet.

There's something wrong with that. Nobody can tolerate me for long. At the very least there are signs and people get mad at me. I still do think that he will. If he doesn't blow up, he'll sigh and shrug and move on without a word. I wish I could tell him to do so now before we both find out the hard way.

I know it would hurt him--well--I BELIEVE it would hurt him--but I think it would hurt less than...what's inevitably going to happen anyway. Why put us both through that?

I feel scraped raw, with salt poured over me. My insides want to fall out. I feel like my chest is sucking in, caving in on itself. I want to explode but I have to hold it in because I'm not the only one in this house. I've already found out how angry they get when I'm upset about something they can't understand. I can't deal with THEIR anger too, now.

What am I going to do??

One left. One out of, who knows, maybe a dozen or so people I've met and tried to rely on in my life. I don't know if I ever truly trusted any of them. I do know that I was manipulative with each one, in my own way. But I've learned to tell people up front now that that's the way I am. Why do some still try? Why does HE try? Doesn't he know what he's going to have to deal with once I turn ugly? I'm like some kind of...shapeshifter or something. One thing today, another thing tomorrow. Today I like you, tomorrow I hate you and want to vomit at every word you type. I haven't felt this way about him just yet. But I've felt it for EVERYONE else who claimed to care about me, and I do remember that in the beginning, when I thought MAYBE this time it would be different, I said the exact same thing about each of them.

They'll never make me this angry.

I was always proven wrong, and tonight once more.

You know, I told I. that same thing just the other day. To his last "real" reply to me, I think it was. "I'm not THAT angry with you, yet, just peeved. I won't promise that you'll never make me feel that way, though. Remember B."

Take a look how quickly things have changed.

It says a lot for me when the only "person" I can tell all this to is a stupid journal hardly anyone reads.

But him, P....how much longer? I want to sabotage it and tell him to back off. To spare us the trouble. Then I'll be truly alone. Everyone has moved on. Except him. There's something wrong with that. He can't consider me his friend forever. I KNOW that I will drive him off one day.

Why can't I take it directly into my own hands for once and tell him so? "Stop writing to me. It won't work out. You've been nice so far and I don't want you to go through that, I don't want to end up hating you like I know I will. So please back off, and find somebody else. I can't have friends of my own."

He signs every one of his letters, "Your friend." I wish he wouldn't do that. It's a bad sign. I don't consider myself to have any friends. Friends hurt you. Strangers hurt you as well, but at least you expect it then, right?

I feel so stupid and idiotic. Why do I try? I know I'll fail, every time. I WISH I COULD STOP!

I want to hurt people before they will hurt me, but I don't want them to hurt on my account. I want to be surrounded by people who care for me, but I don't want to have to deal with them especially once it all goes wrong. What do I do??

I feel so stupid for trying to believe...I told I. the truth all along, "You'll be sorry for trying to befriend me," but as ALWAYS, even after the two-month lapse and the "I'm sorry," I allowed myself to fall for it...what will he write that will most likely get me to fall for it again?

How long before P. does it too? Nobody lasts. Not with me they don't. I would have dropped myself a long time ago if I could have! I'm sick of myself, is there anyone who REALLY thinks I want to live with myself? The only "good" part of me is the part that doesn't even exist. I have no way to get there but through my writing. And writing is merely words on paper, on the screen. It's not real, like the pain is.

Pain. They say that pain is a release. My bruise is healing, like a little red crescent moon on my knee. (I would be getting off the computer right about now if I were in a good mood. But I'm not. So I'll probably just surf on through my music-listening time and feel lower than ever once I finally drag myself off to bed.) I can't make this bruise worse. Maybe I can start a new one. Pain has never been a release for me. The emotions far outweigh any niggling physical thing. Maybe I could give it a try though. It hurts no one but me.

This could all be hormones, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. The pain's still there afterwards...

What do I do? How do people just give up? I want to be able to do that too. To just say "Forget it!" and MEAN it for once. I really do want to. I would say it to P. as well, because he doesn't deserve an albatross like me around his neck. But wait and see, give him a week or so, even he who has never been angry with me will finally get fed up and I'll be hating him too, the same as the rest.

No, I don't hate people, not really. But I hate what they've done. And I loathe them thinking they can consider themselves my friends after what they've done. And I HATE that I can't even tell them why they have hurt me.

P.'s "friendship" is lasting far too long. What do I do? Break it off? I know I won't. But I wish I could. I don't want to go through all of this again. I either want to be stronger, or weaker so I could just end all of it. I have no purpose anywhere anyway. If I were to die in my sleep, my parents might cry a bit, and they would have to pay a lot they can't afford for my funeral (one of the main reasons I don't kill myself--it would cost them too much, yet AGAIN!), but I would never have left even a ripple on the surface of anyone else's life. Nobody would know I'm gone. If anyone did, they would quickly move on. The same way they do now, already.

I don't want to be all raw and chafed all over day after day. I don't want the ups and downs, the "I sort of trust him" straight to the "I hate every word he says and never want to hear from him again." I don't want more false hopes, or any hopes at all. I don't want to spew all of this into a stupid online JOURNAL and have people laughing at me or getting ready to tell me to shut up. I just want to be GONE!

Like I never existed. No one would notice. And we'd all be happy.

I'm stupid for writing all this...