08-22-01 @ 7:41 pm EDT

Additional information about the whole mess with the board (see last entry if you dare)...

* One of the reasons I was constantly hounded? A user there insisted I was not a Four but a Six--"You don't really belong on this board." True that the board was for FOUR types. But I had seen it said numerous times that other types WERE welcome.

The complaint was raised that I tended to post too much off topic to the board. Yet another "respected" user (the one who said she didn't care about my feelings, BTW--considerate of her), who was later made a moderator, ALWAYS posted about her boyfriend, how she woke up and it was a beautiful day and she decided to skip school, how she ate breakfast, troubles with her mom, etc. etc. bla bla bla ad nauseam, and SHE? She was never told to shut up. Her off-topic posts were welcome because they were "deep and Fourish" (whatEVER) whereas mine were longwinded and "not Fourish." (Uh-huh. Here we go again, basing personality on writing style.) So you see there was a blatant double standard.

There was so much complaining about people "typing" others--"You're not a Four, you're a Six"--"I am not!"--"You are too!"--that a new rule was posted, saying please do not type others unless they ASK you to. Was this rule obeyed? Not really. I noticed it, yet the typing of me continued. Oh, I have to include this; this is great, the explanations they came up with as for why I was not a Four and how they always managed to "justify" their conclusions.

"You're not a Four. You're not deep enough, your writing style shows this."

"My writing style, how I post on this board, isn't always how I am in real life."

"Nah, I can tell. You're a Six. You're paranoid and you want to fit in. You keep calling for peace and you want to be accepted by everybody, the way Sixes do."

"Well--that's because I'm SHY! I never said I was a HEALTHY, FUNCTIONING Four. In fact I've always said I'm an unhealthy Four, and we can act like that. How would you react if everybody was criticizing you?"

"You're a Six..."

"I took the test. It says I'm a Four with a STRONG SIX. THAT'S why you see so much of a Six in me. I never denied Six was strong in my personality. But my MAIN TYPE is FOUR WITH A FIVE WING!"

"Nope...that test is never very accurate. You have to go on your basic instincts as for what type you are."

"Well, my instincts have always told me I'm a Four!"

"Nope...you don't know enough about the system to judge for yourself. You're a Six..."

SEE? No matter what I said, there they were to contradict me!

Finally I said, "I don't want to be typed anymore. If you must think I'm a Six, fine. I can't convince you. But please do not post to me about it, and honor the rule. I DON'T WANT TO BE TYPED!"

Did that stop them?

No.

Moderators didn't do much to stop them either.

Lovely place.

* Another one of the regulars there was INCREDIBLY, HURTFULLY rude to me. COMPLETELY chewed me out right there on the board. When somebody came to my defense (God knows why), he bitched at them too--"She needs to learn to stop whining. Nobody will like her like that." (So thoughtful of other "Fours" to remember others' feelings and all!--this is actually funny because this guy's type changed CONSTANTLY--"I think I'm a Nine--no, today I'm a Three--nope, now I'm a Four--I know now!--I'm a Six!"--etc. etc.--yeah buddy, you really know how to type others when you can't even type yourself!) Only it was much more hurtful. Can't remember it now, thank God.

So I cut off contact with him, such as it was, so as not to "bother" him. (Like THAT ever works.) But then I got an e-mail from him saying he was sorry and he'd gotten me a gift, to go to Amazon to pick it up. I was suspicious, but he said it was all right. So I picked it up and had to wait for it to come in the mail.

It was a personality type book, about the MBTI (introvert/extrovert etc.) This guy, C., had been insisting I was an ISFJ and not an INFJ, as I had thought. I kept insisting that I had actually come up EQUAL on the S and N when I took the simplified test, so I couldn't be certain, but I thought I was an N. No, no, no, he said, you're an S. (Here we go--he was one of the biggest "I'll-type-you-against-your-will" people on the board, along with one of the ex-moderators whose behavior probably started my whole debacle in the first place.) Well, you can go on thinking I'm an S if it makes you happy, I'd told him.

Now I had this book explaining personality and how it worked. It was a nice gift, though looking back on it now it was awfully manipulative. The reason he got it for me? So I would understand "the way he thinks." But I think he also wanted to convince me I was an S and not an N.

Well, he DID convince me, for a time. I admitted I was an ISFJ. But I still insisted I was a Four and not a Six.

With the gift had come a note saying he was sorry, and I accepted.

About a couple weeks later, he was back at thrashing me out in front of everybody.

Thank you so much for the "gift," C. It really means a lot when your apology lasted that long.

* A long time after I had left, the same regular who had said she didn't care about my feelings, E., sent me an e-mail out of the blue (it was after the material in the last entry was posted, way after) saying, "Hi Rachel! (my real name) I was driving this morning and I just thought of you and thought I would say hi. So, hello. :) "

Huh? First she hates me, then she wants to say hello, months later? What brought that on? Guilt? Ha, I doubt it! I actually missed the board, believe it or not, even then. I actually wrote back to her. Jeez, I'm stupid.

Of course, my reply was merely "I didn't think anybody from that place ever thought of me except in insulting terms."

Never got a reply from her. Wow, she was thinking of me SO much. She probably got a good laugh out of my reply.

* Right after I left somebody (who I believe was...rather mental in the head) message-bombed the place demanding an apology toward me and that I be allowed back. I think she saw a kindred spirit in me or something. Really, I think she was borderline and possibly nuts. (No offense to borderlines--but you should have seen this lady--one day she loves everybody and is all light and happiness, the next she's tearing everybody apart for "being mean" to her and is descending into paranoia, the next day she's apologizing profusely and saying she shouldn't even be alive, oh God what has she done--sometimes she'd go through all this in the space of a few hours!) But anyway...she must have felt sorry for me. She used a different name--she used LOTS of different names at different points, I hear that she too was run off at one point for being a troublemaker, so much so that nobody mentioned her by her original name--but it was obvious what she wanted. HUNDREDS of messages in full caps demanding my return. Of course, everybody complained. Messages deleted. And at that point I didn't go back.

* BUT...months later, I think it was earlier this year (I left the board in May 2000--sheesh, I was there for all of about four months before they ran me off), I went back under a pseudonym. I just wanted to see what would happen. I kept my posting style short and succinct and tried to be nondistinctive...things which are very painful and difficult for a Four. Remember how I was always upset that they wouldn't just let me be who I am? THAT is the trademark of a Four! They want to be UNIQUE! Yet when I was refused that, of course I then tried to fit in. And for that I was called a Six! But anyway...I pretended to be somebody I wasn't. I didn't even give my sex or age. When I saw a question asking what our favorite mythology was, I didn't answer even though I ached to, as everyone there knew I loved Egyptian mythology. I couldn't even give my friggin' birthday because they knew it! What was the point of returning to this board when I couldn't even be myself? I don't know, I'm stupid that way.

But when responding to another person's post I made the mistake of alluding to an incident that I must have described in my previous incarnation as Tehuti. Oops... E. picked up on it immediately, like a vulture. This was AFTER she had sent me that e-mail saying she was thinking about me. And do you know what her reply to my post was?

"This story sounds familiar. It's just like one another user once posted...I never really liked her."

Gosh, E., that was so mature of you. I didn't answer even though I felt the stabbing through my heart again. It's obvious she was testing me, as "Tehuti" would of course reply "hysterically" (well, who WOULDN'T?). I didn't reply, so she didn't get her satisfaction. At least I had that small bit of control.

And another user, M., the one who had probably started all this (the ex-moderator), needled at me a few times; he REALLY wanted to know if I was from northern Michigan, as everyone there knew that's where I'm from. I never answered. Ha ha.

In this incarnation, I never caused any trouble, never threw a fit, never did one thing even slightly Tehuti-ish. I gave no reason whatsoever to be hounded again. In fact, even if they did know it was me (which they did), they had no reason to continue their childish vendetta. I was trying to come across as a completely different person, and aside from some tiny slipups, I was succeeding.

Not that THEY cared about that!

Somebody posted something that had to do with MBTI type (INFJ, ISFJ, etc.). I responded with "I never thought of that before!" or something because they had made a good, startling point. Somebody anonymously replied with "That's 'cause you're an ISFJ, Tehuti!"

WELL...wasn't THAT nice?? I'm not causing trouble of any sort, and it STILL carries on. Not only that, but they're still insisting I'm an S and not an N. Geeeee, I wonder who posted THAT message!

Somebody replied with something, I can't remember what. Then E. (or perhaps this was another similar incident?--there were so many I get confused) stepped in to degrade me in my "absence" even more--even though she knew I was there, reading. Only I DIDN'T read her message. Still haven't. Don't know what she said, but I know it wasn't friendly or "considerate."

Still, I didn't reply to any of this. I kept my mouth shut, "let it roll off," and replied only to posts that interested me. But I saw the "cycle" beginning anew. One particular user who wasn't very popular, and who kept initiating fights, was complaining again, and everybody else was getting involved. Every day when I came in there were tiny spats, which were only escalating. I "disappeared" (lost interest) for a few days, and when I returned, it hadn't changed. Same old thing that had been around when I was there. I posted one tiny message. "Wow, maybe I came back from my vacation a bit too soon!" And I retreated from the board, never to post again.

That's the truth this time.

...

I can't vow that I never will return there, but SHEESH, what is the point? Why does that place even exist? It certainly offers nothing but the occasional intelligent conversation buried deep amidst horrendous spats! Even when I posted on the Chat board, where anything could go, I was reviled because of it.

Once I posted this message revealing my wonder about a certain aspect of the board. E. replied in a way that could be construed as agreeing or sarcastic; I couldn't be sure, so I didn't reply. A third person, who had been on "my side," replied with, "E., that was so thoughtful of you. We see Tehuti's point exactly!" Yet later on when E. attacked me again, this other person realized she had only been sarcastic when she'd replied to my post. It was more of a surprise to her than to me. "She should have posted it on the Chat board," E. sniped. Which is funny, because I think it was along the lines of the crap SHE was always posting. If my stuff belonged on the Chat board, didn't hers, too? Somebody pointed that out once, but she never bothered replying...and of course somebody else just said that she's Fourish, I'm not, therefore her drivel is welcome, mine isn't...

I remember E. once made a scathing example of a post I had put up on the Four board while I was out of state--I came in to say hello to the board, I missed them, and posted saying PLEASE "Brad" quit bothering me, I looked forward to coming back, bye. This was while I had limited access to a computer and it was the only time I could post that week. I was AWAY, for God's sake, and couldn't even read replies until I got home days later. And what did E. do? Replied with "See, Tehuti, this is the kind of post I was talking about. This would be better on the Chat board..." So nice to see you missed me, E.! I hope you're still posting your inane blathery chatty posts like you always did. In the meantime I'll just go post somewhere more welcoming!

It took me forever to find such a place. I'm not even sure if such a place exists. The community where I felt most comfortable became too painful (yet MORE of the "Quit posting so much!!" crap) and then went belly-up. I feel comfortable here, right now, but who knows how long that will last? It's easy to get an anonymous insult, or to have someone tell me to shut up. In fact I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. It ALWAYS happens. Why hasn't it happened yet?

I'm just sitting here, posting yet waiting until my welcome has run dry. People don't have to read any of this. But those who want to complain about something, will!

*sigh*...I think I'm done on that subject. For now.