08-23-01 @ 7:54 pm EDT

Random thoughts...

Yesterday I received a comment on this journal and it looks as if I've received two more ratings as well. The comment, which I believe must have been in reply to my Postscript entry, was in slang but it was along the lines of "I'd tell you to shut up, but you beat me to it!"

Reading that, it was like I felt a blow to my chest. What kind of person would say that after reading my entry and would even sign their name to it?

But...the person also rated me five stars. What does that mean?

Were they trying to empathize by joking, or did they really want me to shut up and threw in the high rating as an additional part of the joke?

I really don't know what to think. I'm going to include them in the next update of my Thanking Garden, but I'm not sure what to say to them. I really did find the comment hurtful. I don't like to joke about the things that hurt me. Not even in fun. When others joke about them, it's even worse.

In the way way off-chance that person sees this entry, I hope you know that I'm really confused by what you meant, whatever that was. I take things very literally (the main reason I was accused of being a sensing type and not an intuiting type, BTW). When I'm not certain what people are trying to say I go for the most obvious meaning. Your comment, to me, said "SHUT UP!" Part of me is saying that CAN'T be what you meant. But the majority of me, the part that keeps me up at night, is thinking you really DO mean it.

I know you won't see this and I'm too cowardly to ask you directly, but I hope if somebody does see this they understand that jokes and friendly teasing about the things that hurt me, they don't go over very well with me. They just lead to more worrying and obsessing and I never get over it. A member of my family teases me almost every day, all of my life, and even after 24 years I STILL hate it.

Needless to say, I will be wondering what you meant with that comment, practically forever. Because I can never really know.

This is not meant to be an insult to that person but I do wish more people would think carefully before deciding to toss off a joke. I think it's clear from my entries so far, and especially from that one, that I don't take well to "friendly" teasing. Because the part of my brain that should be able to differentiate between "friendly" and "mean" doesn't seem to work.

Moving on, though not really moving on...

I came across yet ANOTHER plea to stop the Bonsai Kitten cruelty. For God's SAKE. How many people believe this thing?? IT'S NOT REAL! They do NOT put kittens into jars and bend their bones to shape them into pretty little bonsai kittens. Who would believe this?? If it were real, the kittens would DIE. They wouldn't be ABLE to live like that. The worst thing that's going on on the bonsai kitten site is that they're putting kittens into jars for a moment to take a picture, then taking them back out. Sheesh. I used to stuff my cat into boxes when I was little! That's about as cruel as the site is! Sure, the humor is disgusting and I dislike it myself...but never for one moment did even I believe it was real. Why do people fall for this?

If anybody sees this, also please--PASS THE WORD THAT THIS THING IS NOT REAL! I see so many petitions to stop it and none saying that it isn't real. Whenever I see this plea I try to clarify that it's a hoax. How come people never then post that clarification, that they were fooled and it's not real? Do they just not want to make themselves look stupid, when they already have?

*gripe gripe gripe*

The bruise on my knee is healing. Darn it. I wanted it to last. Maybe I'll find somewhere else to hit. Thing is, my lower arms feel kind of numb. Probably from the sunburn rash that just healed up. I scratch them and it's like I can't feel it! Creepy.

Maybe I should hit my other leg? I'd have to do it above the knee to avoid suspicion. *sigh*

Well, I think that was all I wanted to say...and I really do hate the thought that there might be somebody here who wants me to shut up, though it wouldn't be anything new...