07-29-01 @ 7:19 am EDT

I held an imaginary conversation with somebody in my head last night. (Night before last, actually, since I sleep during the day it was only last night...) I was so sad and lonely and bitter I just wanted somebody to TALK to me for once, no matter if they were fake or real. The person I conjured up, who was most like me that I knew of, was Anubis. (Oh Lord...) I imagined he knelt next to me with his arm over my shoulders, saying comforting words, patiently countering every single gripe I let out.

Am I REALLY getting that pathetic??

I'm not sure. Is this a good thing or a BAD thing? To hold conversations with people who aren't even there!! I've never done it before because it's just plain NUTS. When I DO mentally interact with my creations, I always put MYSELF out of my mind and become one of THEM. Why is that?

I can't allow myself into any of my stories. No no no. If I let myself in, the story is ruined for me and for everybody. Who would want to read about me? Yuck! I don't even want to read about me! >:P

(Ah, damn, hold on, I have to go to the bathroom. I think I drank too much tea!)

((toilet flushes))

Did you know our bathtub is now clean? I didn't know it was white under there. :P

Anyway...my stories. That's right. Everything in the World of Tehuti boils down to the stories! ^_^ But anyway, really...I can't put myself in my stories, or I'll forever ruin them. I used to try to include myself when I was little. I hated it even back then, BEFORE my emotional problems were so bad! Doesn't that say something?

I'm not sure WHAT, but it does say something...

I tend to..."visualize" a lot. Imagine myself in another situation in order to make the current situation seem less..."bad." For example, when I used to have to wait out in the cold blowing snow for about a half hour before the bus showed up. I HATE THE COLD. If it's below 70 degrees, I'm absolutely miserable outside and I stay in. (And I live in Michigan! Was I born in the wrong state??) To deal with it, I would pretend I was one of my soldier characters, trudging through the snow. After all...soldiers are STRONG. They're USED to dealing with minor things like that. They can handle it better than I can.

And so when I walked through the snow, I became a soldier doing his duty.

When I have been hurt by somebody, I become a jilted friend, with another friend there to help her.

When I have lost something, I become one of my stronger characters who can better deal with the loss, and has friends who can help him deal with it if he can't on his own.

I never stay "myself" for long. "Tehuti" is shoved to the back of my brain to wallow by herself because even I don't want to deal with her.

Yipe, yes, I DO sound crazy!

Well...these are the reasons I've never held a conversation with someone who isn't there...not as myself...whenever I did, in the past, I would "become" one of those others...for example, Anubis wouldn't logically talk with me, he would talk with...Horus, or Upuat, or somebody. But last night when I kept shifting into a different persona I kept forcing myself to come back to me, and he was still there, talking away...

I probably shouldn't be posting this entry. :(

Well, I've wasted this much time typing, I may as well finish it...I don't think you can get kicked off this site for insanity...

I kept asking him why I'd never heard from him before and he kept telling me he was ALWAYS there, but I never let him speak...I kept asking where he would go and he said he would always be there if I needed him. His answers, everything he said was so trite and overused, the exact same stuff that I would say to make myself feel better, if I ever tried instead of wallowing...which is why I know the voice is merely me. I became so lonely I talked to myself. And hey, I just noticed that I DID do the thing I just said I didn't do--I slipped into a persona--one half of me talked as him, the other half as myself. *sigh* So much for progress, huh? Man...just when I think there might be some chance for me yet, albeit a weird one. I can't even talk to MYSELF as myself...I have to become someone else to be able to stand it!

Suddenly the comforting conversation doesn't seem to mean as much, if it did in the first place...I knew he was me all along, which was why I begged to come up with better answers, but couldn't...the only reason he'll always be with me?--because he is ME and I CAN'T ESCAPE MYSELF! No matter how hard I may want to.

I could become Anubis talking to Anubis and it would still just be me talking to myself.

*sigh*

Well, I suppose I haven't changed as much at all...

Damn, just when I think I can come up with a semi-positive entry, out comes this crud! <:) *sigh sigh sigh* for lack of anything better to say...

I have a couple of e-mailed comments from someone on this journal and I know I have to read them. I know I will, I'll end up putting them on the tribute page in the Thanking Garden. I KNOW I will. I'm betting they're friendly because the same person went through and rated some of my items highly (including that word search that was driving me nuts, thank you!!). I WILL read that e-mail.

But I'm too scared to right now!!

((drags self away from journal kicking & screaming))