08-25-01 @ 9:43 pm EDT

I., you're wearing thin. I recognize the pattern once more. So many promises of "I'll write more later, I swear!" So much waiting from me. Yet more empty promises from you. People do not change. Despite all your protests to the contrary--"I care about you, really I do!"--you are exactly the same as everyone else. All talk and no substance.

I've given you two chances. Your second chance is rapidly running out. Every day that you fail to respond, or every time that you make yet another promise you don't intend to fulfill, my belief in you goes down yet one more notch.

(This will probably end up an item in my Unsent Letters folder. Aren't you honored? Two letters, just for you. You're doing a good job.)

I can't access your third-to-last letter to me at the moment. In it you said you knew I was mad at you. Actually, when you wrote it, I wasn't. Peeved, especially that you would assume to know how I was feeling, but not angry. But I'm getting there. In fact I think I already am there.

You also said that I was going to have to learn to trust you in some measure sometime. HAVE to? Excuse me. I don't HAVE to trust anyone. Most especially not you, with this crap you're pulling. You don't tell me who to trust. I don't trust anyone. And I don't trust you.

I trust you less and less and less. You're doing a better job of running you off than I am!

And today, the lovely two letters I finally DID get from you. Did you write more indepth as you kept promising for about the past week, TWO weeks, that you would?

No no. I was stupid to think so, wasn't I? You merely rebuked me for stepping out of bounds. Well, I'M SORRY. I thought I was being polite when I posted. In fact, I still do believe I was diplomatic about it. People make mistakes. Perhaps it was wrong of me to ask, but I was polite about it. I never put any DAMN PRESSURE on anybody. For you to insinuate that I did pisses me off.

TWO letters telling me I should watch my behavior. And not a bit more indepth like you promised.

When I posted in the Club the other day asking where everybody has gone, what was your reply? "I've been busy lately and spent my precious off time getting much-needed rest." (Same excuse as the last time you failed to write to me! For TWO MONTHS! Remember??)

Well GUESS WHAT? I browse around online too. Rest? So, exactly how much sleep are you getting while you're posting links (links which you had to LOOK UP) in the Club, messages at the site, and short snotty e-mails to me? What is this, SELECTIVE rest? The time you could spend sending me one of those indepth letters you keep promising--THAT'S the time you're getting your rest, right?

Remember B.? Go read the letter to her. As if you'd have to, as if you know this journal is even here although I've told you about it. I've told you what she did to me. "I promise more later!" Followed by...nothing. Although she writes to OTHERS. And when she DOES reply to me (not by e-mail though, heaven forbid), she sounds snotty. Well, take a look. You've graduated! You've made it to her level now!

Remember how I told you how I felt about her now? How I don't even pray for her well being anymore, how whenever I see her posts I want to tell her to just SHUT UP? Well, one more notch, one more notch and you will be there.

Every post of yours I see, whenever I see your name, I grind my teeth and feel like typing in "Shut up!" and clicking SEND.

I'm one tiny step away from telling you to screw it and never write to me again, and this time I'll MEAN it.

Do you want to push me that far?

Go ahead and push. I'll gladly jump.

In the meantime keep looking up your links and posting your messages and forgetting your promises. Oh, and needling at me when I make a simple mistake. That's all it'll take to get to that final step, "friend."

Remember how I also told you I never call anybody my friend?

HA! I have good reason and you just proved it! Believe me now?