08-11-01 @ 8:18 pm EDT

I keep coming across self-injury items around here...and I keep wanting to comment on them and let these people know that while this isn't NORMAL, it doesn't mean they're CRAZY either, and they're not alone...the thing is...they're all about CUTTING! The users ask, "Do you cut?" And...while I HURT myself...I don't CUT.

Therefore...I cannot answer and tell them I know how they feel!

Why does self-injury always boil down to cutting? I've joined a few SI-type Clubs to better understand it and I'm always left out in the cold because as soon as I speak up to ask, "Is there anybody here who DOESN'T SI by cutting??" everybody just ignores me. Like my particular...style...doesn't count.

People have been quick to tell me that it DOES count, but then as soon as I try to get involved in any conversations, well...forget it. I guess they can't sympathize with me enough, or something. Or maybe they just think I'm posing because I don't use a knife like they do?

I can sympathize with some cutters, but when they completely forget that there are those who hurt, but do NOT cut...

It makes me feel kind of like a...hm...mulatto or something. Not black, and not white. Not one or the other. Not a self-injurer, but not "normal" either. So...what AM I?

In case you're wondering what it is that I DO...I hit myself. And I tend to hit things when I'm angry, but I don't know if that counts. I did it a couple of days ago and my right hand is bruised and slightly swollen. I barely even felt it when I slammed it into the desk out of fury. (And then the keyboard, and the chair, and my leg.)

I also got a bruise on my knee from...somewhere. I'm always getting bruises without knowing how.

And do you know what I spent some time doing last night?

I spent some time striking my hand against my knee, in an attempt to make BOTH bruises worse. Slight success. I'll try again later and let you know how it goes. ;P

No, I get no "rush" or feeling of relief from doing it, so that's why I can't COMPLETELY sympathize with all cutters. When they talk of how the adrenaline or whatever flows when they open up a new red line on their skin, how beautiful the blood is when it runs, I don't understand where they're coming from. It's...WEIRD to me. I mean, I don't sit here saying, "My, what a beautiful bruise." (Though I am impressed by big ones.) Since I hurt myself too without knowing why, I don't think they're crazy. But I can't really empathize.

And I HATE IT when people limit SI strictly to cutting or burning and think that the only reason people do it is to get a rush or feel relieved! IT IS NOT ALL LIKE THAT!

Or is it? Should you see this particular entry, lemme know what you think. Do I SI or do I not? Black or white, left or right, one or the other or neither?

Eh, I doubt anybody will see this, most especially not any other SIers (if I AM one!), but I thought I'd give it a shot...too bad our entry titles don't show up on the list, I bet this would get some hits for sure then!

(Hits...ehr...that sounds like a bad pun. Unintended, of course. o_O )