08-07-01 @ 6:21 pm EDT

They argued about me all day long in the Club. Fuck you, fuck this, fucking, fuck fuck fuckers. (Their language, P.'s especially--I guess he thinks it makes him sound...I don't know...mature? Strange for him to call me a baby when all that comes out of his mouth is infantile crap...) You can't know how Tehuti feels, I never said I could but she came complaining and I felt I had to give her advice, there's a difference between giving advice and attacking somebody, she's coddled and should expect it if she complains about her life, etc. etc. ad nauseam.

...

I'm seriously thinking, why should I return to the Club? It seems that everywhere I go, as soon as I speak the negativity on my mind, more negativity follows from those around me until the place is just too unwelcoming for me anymore. It's been happening since I first came online and is the main reason I wonder why I should even bother with communities anymore, including this one. I was actually FLAMED off an Enneagram discussion board because the users didn't like me. (Get this, I was too wordy and whiny to be a Four; apparently others could post about their personal lives and it made them "Fourish," but not me when I did the same thing. "I took the test, it said I was a Four." "Well, the test isn't reliable, you need to go by your feelings, and you're a Six." "Well, my feelings tell me I'm a Four." "Naw, you don't know enough to know what you're feeling, you're a Six." "The rules say to stop diagnosing me if I don't want you to, so please stop." "Well, your posts are so wordy, you're just BEGGING to be diagnosed." "Can you just leave me alone, I'll post what I want to post, you post what you want to post, just so long as I'm not a part of it?" "TEHUTI IS A STUPID BITCH. TAKE BACK THE BOARD FROM TEHUTI." No, none of this is exaggeration. It really did happen. One of the guys there even bought me a book as a gift from Amazon, saying he was sorry he attacked me; a week or so later, there he was, attacking me again, right up to the end when I left after the insulting anonymous message bombing. I often feel like burning that book I received in good faith. And do you know what? Even those who claimed they liked me, and the one who said she would miss me, NEVER wrote back. Not even when I wrote to one of them. Thank you, guys. I know now that I picked the "right" place.)

This was just one example out of many. And just goes to prove...why should I return? I want to, and I don't want to. People misunderstand me. When I complain, I AM NOT looking for "real life" advice. Nor am I looking for "coddling" and "Awww, Tehuti, we love you!" I'm just LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO EXPRESS IT AND HOPEFULLY LET IT GO! A complaint, even a constant one, is NOT necessarily a cry for help, it's just my way of getting something out, hopefully getting over it, BECAUSE I CAN'T DO THAT IN REAL LIFE! Sure, it doesn't work very well, and I seem to be constantly complaining. But isn't it better than holding it in, holding it in, holding it in until I break?

Well, not according to most people...I guess they would rather have a breaking point than have to (Heaven FORBID!) read my whining...

This has gotten wordier than I intended. I don't see a point to returning. Yes, there are a few who stuck up for me. "Bad apples" are relatively few, and even most of those don't mean anything personal by it. But they're the loudest ones when you have ears like mine.

I've already created a Yahoo! Group for my story. My four other aliases and myself are members. I could easily give out the URL for those who may care, and let them join, to see my story, so I wouldn't have to post it in the Club. I doubt many would join, if at all. But there would be none of the shit I have to put up with when all I want to do is just SAY something.

After everything I saw today, it just seems to have no point to it. B. even came in and saw fit to joke about how the flamewars reminded her of home, yet had no reply to make to my comment directly to her. (Fitting, B., now that you laugh at my pain. Yes, you are a TRUE "empath." You really DO flatter yourself, you know? And even if you were to find this, please spare me the "O, your words hurt me so much, I really do care about you" routine. Please. If my words bothered you in the least you would have written to me long ago. You don't care squat, and why you said you did in the first place is beyond me. Maybe you were setting me up for a joke or something...)

But anyway...I have a Group formed...I see no point to returning to that ugly place (which will probably be all cheerful and inviting again tomorrow--they very quickly forget, until the next time I post)...why should I go back there if I'm not welcome by the vocal minority?

I wish I were strong enough to let their words roll off me and to just post as I see fit. I know I have that right. THEY definitely do, if the fuck fuck fuck is any indication. (And he tells ME "boo-hoo"...sheesh...)

Or else I just wish I were strong enough to turn my back on that place forever and never take one look back.

Of course, I'm neither.

Fitting.



(Ma said she would be home at 5:30 again...it's twenty after six.)