08-06-01 @ 6:54 pm EDT

Well, I made the mistake of trying to vent in the KP Club. I know there are at least a few people there who like me and can tolerate me when I'm like this. Apparently today was not one of those days. Several moments after my posting something similar to the previous entry in my journal, up come these two encouraging posts.

i know this'll sound rude and i'll get flamed for it, but i'm willing to deal with that.

tehuti: if you're unhappy with your life and feel as if you don't exist, and, indeed, wish you didn't, then why don't you do something about it? don't sit in front of the computer. don't sit in your house, even, if the people there treat you like so much dirty laundry. don't complain about them acting as if you don't exist when you have a choice: be around people who treat you as if you DO exist. i know they're family, and that makes it hard, but some of the best people i know have lunatic families who treat them like shit. and they've risen above it by not believing what the family tells them about themselves. every time the mom said "you're nothing" they jumped up screaming "i'm something and i'll prove it!"

treat yourself better than they treat you. start by turning off the damn computer. go outside. spend a little time with yourself. you'll keep being disappointed if you continue to try to find fulfillment in an online world. live in the real one.

and

Is this the time where we're all supposed to ((((Tehuti))))?

If you're so upset, then perhaps you should stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop bitching about your problems and looking for attention from people on the Internet, and do something about it. Shut off your computer, go out and fly a fucking kite or ride a bike or try developing real relationships with real, walking talking human beings. YOU and ONLY YOU hold the key to your happiness as well as your unhappiness. Wallowing in self-pity won't do a damned thing to make it any better.

Where the hell did I ever say I had a "choice" in anything? I HAVE NO DAMN WAY TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! Simply turning off the computer and spending some time outside with nature? Oh yes, that'll take care of ALL my worries. As soon as I feel the too-hot, too-humid air (I'm inside and I'm sweltering) everything will be better. WHATEVER.

I replied with "Fine, I apologize for venting here, I won't do it again in the future." One of them--the second one--replied to that as well but I haven't read it. I feel like shit enough as it is.

I know these particular two only meant well. But they must not know me, to think something that simple would make me feel any better. I guess I just made a mistake again, venting in that location. It seems anyone else may do it without trouble. When I vent, I always get flamed or pretty much told to "Shut up and quit whining!"

THAT is why I'm shocked this journal has received the ratings it has so far. When will somebody come along and tell me to "Just shut up" here? I KNOW it will happen. I can't vent in real life, or I will get screamed at and I HATE that. So I do it online. And...I'm told to shut up, quit whining, go spend time in the real world. Thanks, guys. I knew I could count on you all to make me feel better. As always.

There were a few replies from people I know would say only thoughtful things to me, but I can't bring myself to read them. I know their words will mean nothing in the face of what I just read above. Like I've said before, all it takes is one hurtful word to negate a hundred kind ones.

I'm just waiting for the moment I get an e-mail here telling me to shut up. Then where will I go? I don't think I have anywhere else left by now.