07-28-01 @ 7:59 am EDT

I'm up, I'm down. I'm never the same for very long. I wonder who I will be tomorrow. If I'm even still somebody then.

I wonder if my moods are false, if I put on a happy mask and fool myself. I'm good at fooling myself. The happy mask always falls off so suddenly and so often that it MUST be false. If something were true, it would stay longer, mean more to you when you're sad.

Everyone else has memories to make them happy when they're sad. Why can I never remember any of the good things when I'm sad and alone? Were they really so NOT good that they mean nothing to me now?

I check for new messages as if my very life depended on it. Perhaps it does, in a way. Though don't tell anyone else that. This is the Internet. It's not reality. People cannot be hurt on the Internet. If they believe any of it means anything, they are crazy.

I guess I've always been crazy...

No messages to me or mentioning me, though. I move on through the world of others, invisible. The only people who can see me are in my own head.

Where are any of the good memories when I need them most? When I do remember them, why do they then just make me feel worse? I look at them, and I think, I wasn't really happy; I was merely wearing the happy mask; that wasn't really the way things happened. I was stupid to think it meant anything in the long run. I was fooled.

Do I fool and betray myself most of all?

If I had a way to permanently get away from MYSELF, I would jump at the chance. Of all the people who have made me miserable, I'm at the top of the list.

I suppose everyone must be tops in something...