09-04-01 @ 7:11 am EDT

More in the great saga that is people promising they'll do something, yet never following through. Yes, this is still the same person I'm talking about, the one I've ranted about in numerous entries. He STILL keeps saying he really likes writing to me, and that he will get back in touch more indepth. But he still, still, STILL has yet to prove it.

This time around though, I think I've grown a bit jaded and while it still hurts no end, I rather expected it. I don't really expect anything from him anymore, much less his attention.

I don't think he knows or really cares about this journal. He's said lots of times he means to check out things of mine that I write, but he doesn't. Even those he says he HAS checked out, and will comment on, he never does. So I guess I shouldn't be too afraid if I share a bit of what he wrote to me. Not like I'm giving out his name or anything.

If you DO see this, by some stupid chance, I., then maybe this should be your wakeup call. Though I doubt it by now!

A brief timeline, these being his messages from the site we're currently at; he sent me a few e-mails at my regular address, but they were all dinky and not very important. None of them were the indepth letter he keeps promising. But anyway...

From August 23:

Subj: prurience (what a weird word)

I know you are angry at me. At least I think you are.

You will have to learn to trust me in some capacity I suppose. And I know I am not doing a really swell job in fostering that right now.

I will always be here for you and I hope you will take that fact with you into your heart. I know that would it mean a lot if you were ever to say that to me.

Patience love, patience...

As I said in an earlier entry, I don't HAVE to trust anyone. Especially not those who give me no reason to trust. And I don't have patience for continued false promises.

And I HATE anyone calling me "love."

I didn't reply to that letter. There wasn't any point. I wasn't actually mad at him at that time, but I did slowly become so later on.

Anyway...from August 27:

Subj: HI!!

I am very glad to see you here. Dare I say, 'Welcome home'?

I already pointed out the ludicrousness (sic?) of this message. I had never "left" the site. I just didn't feel like posting, because of what he had told me about my inviting someone, ONE person, to the site without the webmaster's permission. Those were the mails I got from him at my regular address. Two telling me I shouldn't have done it, and one asking me to come back to the site and "have fun." Yeah, whatever.

I didn't reply to that one either.

From August 28:

Subj: Are you angry at me?

Will you tell me this at least?

Why should I? You tell me so little.

Also from August 28:

Subj: So will we ever talk again?

Tell me what I have to do for this not to happen. Specifically.

Yeah, I answered this one, finally. Not that it mattered any. My reply was lost when the site changed servers, but needless to say, it was very curt and not very friendly. In short, I told him that he was the same as everyone else, and he had just proven me right.

He replied to that, on August 29 (edited):

Subj: whoah!

You used the word rebuke. I felt that I made a request or advised. After I had typed my last two "rebukes" I realized while sitting at my desk at work that I should have probably not done that. I lost sight of my fact that you are sensitive. And when a perceived wrong is done to you it becomes intensely magnified. I think you are paranoid and are constantly bracing yourself for the next time inevitable event when someone will hurt you.

Can you as easily discount the numerous times that we have had marvelous correspondence? Those waters seem to flow faster underneath the bridge.

You proved me right. Well, you know love, even a broken clock can inevitably be correct at least once a day. Everyone whom you will let into your life will also eventually prove you right. At least once. The only way they won't is if they are dead or are one of your fictional characters.

So what happens when I finish work on my stupid sized letter that I have saved in my drafts folder?

I understand how I have failed you. But do you know that it would be easier for me to relate or understand you more if you would allow yourself to bust through the various walls you surround yourself with? How can I always be the one dancing to the songs you make but you aren't willing to be danced with? Know what I mean, jellybean?

How about this: We'll give each other a break and stop this soft acrimony, ok?

I apologize for hurting you through rebukement. It was never and will never be my intention to ever hurt you in any of my e-mails, public questions, answers or postings. If you could, I would tell you to view my postings at KP, but take a look at Yahoo! and even here. I have always defended you while trying not to step over any boundaries. I have spoken of you in only the best regards. I query about your poetry and arts publicly and privately. i feel that I have been your number one supporter in and amongst all of your detractors. And you clump me in with the others saying that I am the same as everyone else?!

Do you know that I talk about you with my closest friends at work? They all feel the same way I do about you. That you deserve to flourish in an environment where you can pursue your wildest ambitions to your heart's content and fill your mind and heart with new ideas and new feelings.

I only wish the best for you. At least I hope you have fun here...

Will write more very soon (and please don't scoff when I make that remark, I already know you read this in disbelief.)

YEAH! With damn good reason, too.

AND DON'T THE HELL CALL ME JELLYBEAN.

I can't remember if I replied to that one; probably not. Didn't have much to say by then.

Anyway...

From August 29:

Subj: I feel bad.

I know you feel that I am being an asshole for not writing back properly. I know you feel I have lied to you.

Maybe I should stay away from the computer for awhile again. I find it very hard (or I make it hard for myself) to make friends online.

Even D. doesn't talk with me anymore. And I never rebuked her.

This sucks.

Aww. Well, now you know how it feels. And you STILL did nothing about it. And more talk about "leaving the Internet" bla bla bla. Yes, like you did the last time? The time you disappeared for two months. And never wrote me. And never let me know why.

Yes, that was lots of fun and made me feel all special inside.

I don't think I replied to that letter either.

From August 31:

Subj: I hope

you read my answer to the question as to what people's plans are for september plus read my recent post. I find it intriguing.

What was in his intriguing answer? His listed plans for September. The first among them was this:

On the 1st and 2nd I plan on sharing my thoughts and letters to my friend whom I have inexcusably hurt by not doing so. :(

Uh-huh. Well, let's just see how that one goes...

From September 1:

Subj: Blah blah blah

I need to help my friend renovate her house tomorrow. I will be at her house until late into the day. Then I have to go to a birthday party. My Monday appears to be totally free. I need to do some editing. I was thinking of sending it all at once but maybe a page at a time will be better for a successful transmission.

Did you know that you have the power to redeem people?

I told him I had no such power; people either decide to redeem themselves, or they don't. I think he knew what I meant by that. Plus see the NEXT promise there. Yah, like I said, let's just see how that one goes, shall we?

His reply, from September 1 (edited):

Subj: Re: Re: Blah blah blah

I willingly subject myself to your presence for acceptance or dismissal. There is no one else from whom I seek this.

I feel I would be redeemed by you just simply because of how I feel you are. I accept all of who and what you are and I have always hoped that you would do that for me. Just in as much as I think you feel misunderstood sometimes or you have been neglected in having attention given to you by others, I feel the same way about you...

Well, you don't seem to be seeking or trying very hard.

There was another similar letter, unrelated to this particular matter; don't need to quote it.

Also from September 1:

Subj: I have to

visit my dreams now. I will sleep like a king. I am already hungry at this late hour.

I have eight days of vacation left. Have you ever been to Ireland? Would you like to come with? Seeing as I can't go to Vancouver or Hamburg since my boss' boss gave those jaunts away to someone else I feel the need to visit someplace anyplace far and away.

Good night.

What makes you think I'd like to leave the country with a stranger I met on the Internet? Most especially one who fails to keep any promises.

I replied to this one and to the previous one in one letter, briefly, stating that I did not wish to leave the country with someone I met on the Internet (going to the trouble of sparing his feelings by not saying "someone I don't even know"), and some other unrelated stuff. Anyway...that was the first of the month. Remember what he said before? The first and second of the month, his "top priority" was sharing that "stupid-sized letter" he had in his drafts folder. Mm-hm. Come the third, just where WAS this letter, anyway? I don't think such a letter even exists...

From September 3:

Subj: null

Confidentially speaking, I have been made admin. I think I should keep this fact hidden just so people will not think of me differently. What do you think?

And I tell you just so you know that you have another alternate to talk with just in case you have complaints, suggestions and whatever else.

I have to go to Atlanta tomorrow and will be not back until Friday afternoon. I will read your link posted at your most recent post. I hope you felt good about writing and venting in a post. That is the Tehuti I miss, know and appreciate.

Now...isn't this interesting? So much for the great letter of September 1st and 2nd; NOW he has to leave for a week. How convenient. He even posted about it in the public area just so everyone is apprised of what's going on. Thoughtful of him.

Shortly after that came this:

Subj: Oh yeah

and check out my profile. I gave your "props" in the last line.

I went and checked. It said something differently before, though the last line was the same. This is what it says now:

I am also this site's admin. If you have any questions or need help please feel free to write me and I will get back to you immediately. Let's have fun! And by the way, read Tehuti's poetry and stories! :^]

I hate a plug like that. It sounds forced and fake. Like false flattery designed to elicit a favorable response. What did he expect from me, a "Gee, thanks!"?

And so much for keeping the fact that he's now in site administration a secret. That lasted a real long time.

Now, it is September 4th. And since August 23rd, since BEFORE then, there is absolutely NO change. The same old story.

Perhaps I should send him this entry? So he can see for himself. I'm not the one who was pushing him away. He was pushing himself.