08-26-01 @ 4:02 am EDT

I'm thinking it's over now. I responded to him out of anger, and I know I always regret that, but he didn't have to be such an ass about telling me what not to do. So EXCUSE ME for making a mistake and inviting somebody. I thought it was okay as long as I didn't give the URL publicly or invite everybody. It was just ONE LOUSY PERSON I was willing to vouch for. After all, I. invited ME. Who's to say he wasn't stepping over any bounds when he did that? It was okay for him but not for me?

Oh, so sorry. So very sorry. My mistake. Everybody's always telling me to take some initiative, I do, and I get this. Do you know what? I even apologized after I did it in case it was wrong. And I still get criticized. SORRY, MASTER!

Got another e-mail from him and delayed opening it because I've gotten so sick of all this. This one was even more condescending than the first two. Bla bla bla, you put pressure on him, bla bla bla, he wants to get his site all perfect first, you know, bla bla bla--GEE, THANKS FOR FILLING ME IN, I HAD NO IDEA! Do you think I'm some kind of stupid MORON who can't read? I KNOW HE'S TRYING TO PERFECT THE SITE FIRST! But I saw a request to join. I offered to give the URL. I never even got the chance to anyway! And I get lectured?

I get lectures enough from my damn PARENTS, thank you. I don't exactly need any from YOU. You're just some stranger I met on the Internet, you could die tomorrow, I could die tomorrow, neither of us would probably even care, so don't think you can tell me what to do.

Of COURSE, if you'd even paid one bit of attention to any of my letters to you, you would KNOW this by now and wouldn't have been so snide. THIS is what pisses me off. "You must learn to trust me!" WHY THE HELL SHOULD I? Especially NOW!

It's awfully funny, you know! It seems now that you can hardly give me the time of day unless it's to rebuke me for something. I'm so very very sorry. Sorry that for whatever reason I caught your attention in the first place and made you want to write to me. I never forced you. I'm not forcing you now. If you don't want to write, fine. But don't think you can keep in touch with me by criticizing me, either. I've had enough of that. I'm sick of it. I don't want any more.

(This has turned into yet another letter. I didn't want to write in second person, but it always works out that way, it seems, since he will never hear this from me...)

"I promise this," "I promise that," "I'll always be here for you," "I care about you," PUKE. Well, there it is, you've reached B-dom. I believe you're on her level now. Nothing but veiled insults and ignoring for me when I never did a damned thing to you, when you promised you would be there and you would be a friend.

SCREW THAT, LIAR! You're the same as everyone else I've ever met! Say a lot, offer me little, and then drop me like a bag of stones. Go ahead and drop me, asshole! I'm sick of hanging on. YOU let go because I'm a weakling and cling even to those things which hurt me. Go on and do it, I know you want to! Your "I'll shut up now" was proof enough of that. Shut up? YOU'VE BEEN SHUTTING UP IN FRONT OF ME EXCEPT FOR WITH THIS CRITICIZING! It's not like you've been writing me anything MEANINGFUL lately, after all! You need your REST, right? VOMIT...

I don't believe I'll be replying to that letter or to any other very soon...I just wish I could say with all certainty I'll never reply to another. I WANT him to hurt and to be ashamed for hurting me. I want him to beg for me to write to him again, to feel the pain of me not writing back, the way he doesn't anymore. (As if he really cares though anyway.) I want EVERYONE who has hurt me to hurt the way I do. I know they never will. They'll be happier for losing me. But I wish that they would. So they would never do it again, make their damn fake promises of light and friendship and never follow through.

I told him repeatedly I needed a lot that he couldn't give. He kept insisting I was wrong. See who's wrong THIS time, I.?

You're all the same. Every last one of you. I wouldn't try if I were a stronger person. I wouldn't have to try. I would turn off all my emotions, curl up into my own world where nobody, NOBODY ever betrays me.

What number is this, of "friends" who have betrayed me? I lose count by now. I wish I were stronger so I never even NEEDED companionship. My fantasy worlds would be enough. I want to go insane and retreat inside myself, never deal with the outside world again. To me that would be happiness.

To be lonely hurts less than to have "friends."

And this time, I feel no better after writing this entry. Writing to one's self never helps. I want THEM to know that I hurt, to hurt because I'm hurting, but when they obviously care this little, how would that ever happen?

I want to just go crazy and never, ever come back to this ugly place...I was much better off when I didn't even bother trying to take the hand that's offered to me. It always ends up slapping me instead.

I want to give up.