08-07-01 @ 3:15 am EDT

Update on Ma, which was why I was upset and wanted to vent in the first place: She claimed she WAS home at 5:30, I wasn't up, so she left. I got up at five and she was here, but I went back to bed, BELIEVING she would be here a half hour later. She was NOT here at 5:30! "Okay, so maybe it was 5:25," she admitted, after a bout of arguing. Well, still. Why did you not bother to wake me up before you left? "You should have been up!" "I SAID 5:30!!" "IT WAS 5:30!!"

So, she claims no fault on her part.

Update on the happy feel-good Club I thought I could vent in without being attacked. Guy Number Two (fitting name--sorry, that was petty)--his reply that I couldn't read? "Boo-hoo. Grow up." How thoughtful. A few others came to my defense which was kind of them, but I can't reply to them right now. Not sure what I could say without feeling like a complete ass. But B.--a person I used to write to, who claimed she was an "empath" (YEAH RIGHT!) and "understood me"--who HASN'T WRITTEN TO ME IN MONTHS EVEN WHEN I WROTE TO HER!--piped in and defended Guy Number Two. "I believe he's a pussycat at heart," she gurgled. "Tehuti was venting, he was venting too."

Um, excuse me, B.? Since when is calling me a crybaby and telling me to stop whining "venting"? I think it's known as a personal attack. Venting is when you get--or TRY to get!--something off your chest in what you BELIEVE! to be a friendly community. It is NOT an attack on anyone else there. Since when is an attack on someone who is trying to express their pain in the only way possible "just venting" and "allowable"?

And since when does telling me to stop bitching and "fly a fucking kite" make one a "pussycat"?

Guy Number Two--P.--has been an asshole almost from the start. I used to like him; he was friendly and funny sometimes. I still don't hate him. But then he became...abrasive. To put it kindly. He uses the F word as if it's air and he wants all he can get. Before KP went down, when some of us were upset about something, almost ALWAYS his response to others' pain was, "Get over it, it's just a fucking website!" (I can spell that out because I know it will only put in the asterisks when this is done. I thought they had fixed that?--it won't even let me spell out the S word in here. What's the deal, guys?)

As an aside, I think it's funny that those who are so quick to scream "IT'S JUST A WEBSITE!" are always...well...those who are allowing themselves to get the most upset. Hey buddy, if this is just the Internet and everything on it is "just a website" and we should just "turn off the computer" whenever we get upset, well, why don't YOU try that, the next time you find yourself getting pissed off by what we complain about?

Works only one way with you guys, huh?

Typical.

Anyway...as I said, he got abrasive. And I didn't like him. But then a "friend" of SN's--who was just SN herself--came bitching on the site and a few of us formed a private Club (big mistake on my part for joining, won't go into details) and he was one of those invited. Why? Because he had e-mailed some of us, asking us for suggestions to improve the community. If it was "just a website," why was he so concerned about fixing it? Oh well. I thought he'd had a change of heart and I admired him for it. Shortly afterward when the Club was exposed and those in it were flamed, he was very, very quick to "change sides" and revert to the "just a website" deal...hmmmmm...I wonder who exposed that Club? In any case...that was the line he spoke, until KP disappeared. And then, what was one of his first posts in the Yahoo! Club for KP? "It wasn't until the site was really gone that I realized just how much of an impact it had on all of us. It WASN'T just a website!" (Um, P., was that sarcasm?)

And now, here he is again...telling me to shut off my computer because this is just the Internet, wah wah, stop being a baby...hm...can you say INCONSISTENT?

(I think he got in another personal jab at me before the site went down. I was upset, he gave me the "turn off the computer" line, I tried explaining publicly for like the FOURTH TIME why things upset me more than they upset others and why the reactions of others matter so much to me, etc. etc.--his reply? "Wow, T., I had no idea it got you so upset...I take back everything I said." At the time, his response had struck me as...not what it appeared to be. Rather than an apology for misunderstanding me, I felt he was in awe of how DISTURBED I was. He wasn't apologizing, he was amazed someone was so screwed up! I said nothing, though, and tried to take it at face value...looks like my first assessment was correct after all, huh?)

ANYWAY, B., who I used to consider a friend (some empath, she doesn't even know I've been angry with her for the past several months!), defended him and this childish behavior. (Yes, I know that I'm childish too. But at least I never told anybody to grow up and shut off their computer. Though somebody should tell HIM to do that if my whining disturbs him so badly.) "He's just a pussycat!" Yeah, B., whatever. Should I have said that that person who publicly insulted you while KP was still around, the guy who made you so upset you wrote to ME to cry about it, and I tried to help you feel better, my comforting e-mail that you NEVER BOTHERED REPLYING TO, well, should I have said that THAT guy was "just a pussycat"? Would that have excused his behavior, his insults toward you, and made you feel better and have made the whole situation hunky-dory? How would you have felt, exactly, B., if you had written to me to cry on my shoulder, only to have me tell you, "Aw, that's just the way he is, he's just a pussycat!"?

I know you would not have appreciated that gesture, B. Which was why I didn't do it, and never would. Even if someone IS "just a pussycat," that NEVER excuses insults and personal attacks. NEVER. As a self-described "sensitive" person, YOU should know that by now.

Still, you show how much of an "empath" YOU are by defending the one who publicly insulted ME. Fitting. Well, you just made it easier for me to dislike you. No doubt left in my mind now. The "empath" (WHATEVER) can have fun with her pussycat. Because evidently insults don't mean anything when they're aimed at whiners.

I posted back to tell her, "I don't think you'd be saying that if you were the one called a crybaby and told to stop whining." (And believe me, she DID do her share of "whining"--venting--while KP was still around, a lot of it to me, and of course when I comforted her, I received no replies. Thank you very much, B. I'm glad my efforts meant so much to you.) "Also, I believe there's a difference between venting and attacking someone for venting, but what would I know."

I just know that tomorrow, if they haven't ignored me completely, then instead there will just be more insults and adjurations to shut up. Because, gee, since I can't vent in my REAL life, it must be my fault and I haven't the right to do it online! Right? Of course! Whiners forfeit their right to whine, apparently. As have I, I guess.

It's sick of me but I'd like B. to write to me privately to ask whatever she did that got me upset. (Knowing her style, she would act all upset and concerned...I know better by now, my words mean absolutely zip to her.) Then maybe I could TELL HER that she PISSED ME OFF LONG AGO!

"And you never even noticed, huh, Empath?" I think some people flatter themselves. I didn't think of her as one of them, but perhaps she is. At the very least, she is certainly no empath.

End of crappy vent...for now. I'll be back here tomorrow with yet ANOTHER reason to whine. Count on it...you can time your watch by the sound of my whining. At least, THEY would say so...right?

Of course they would...