09-04-01 @ 1:42 am EDT

Wow, I wonder what happened. My portfolio now has 296 views. You know, one of these days I was going to go to the forum where you post if you have under 300 views. Looks like I'll miss my chance. ^_^; Oh well. I could swear it had only around 270-something views yesterday. I wonder how that happened or if I'm losing my mind. I've never been good at math.

Must e-mail and thank the user who got rid of that three and commented on two of my other items as well. It was thoughtful of them, and now I don't have to sit here battering my head anymore. I tend to think that if you see an item with a three or lower on it, you'll sit there thinking, "Wow, this must be lousy and I won't read it." (We must have the "Sort by highest rating" function for SOMETHING!) Though I personally would probably look at an item for myself rather than go by someone else's rating, you never know how others will react.

Plus, it's like how I was in school. I was always on the honor roll. ALWAYS. Except for this ONE time, in junior high. I got a C-; the honor roll limit was C. I missed it by ONE grade. :( To add insult to injury, it wasn't even in math, my worst subject, but in some lame class called "Quest." What kind of a name is that? I don't even know what the point of the class was, it was so vague! As well, I don't even think it was my fault I got the poor grade. It was for not interacting with the class enough. The teacher complained that I never raised my hand. Well, all right; I'm painfully shy, but I started raising my hand more often anyway. And...she never called on me. Thus I was accused of not participating, thus I got the C- and was kicked off the honor roll for that semester.

In high school, we had those big letters that you put on your jacket. Academic Letters, we called them, because you got them for academic achievement. I didn't have a jacket, but I liked getting the letters for my good grades. I got one my freshman, sophomore, and junior years. My senior year we had to make out fake resumes and list the things we had achieved. Me, having never had a job or anything, well, I had to go on grades alone. The woman told me to include my Academic Letters. "What about this year?" I asked, anxious. "I don't know if I'm going to get the senior Letter."

"Oh, don't worry, you will, I know it," she said, so I included "Academic Letter" for all four years of school.

Come the time of the Academic Banquet, I'm invited, as always, but...I'm not on the list to receive the Academic Letter. <:*( I got it for the first three years but not the last. I asked the same lady if a mistake had been made. "Oh, no, your grade slipped JUST a tiny bit so you didn't quite make it," she says. (Well, THANKS, lady, for misinforming me and making me include that stupid mistake on my resume! I felt like tearing the damn thing to shreds after that.)

That bothered me for years. It still does. Not nearly as much, but still. I have those three Academic Letters and not the fourth. It's like...an incomplete set. All or nothing. And in my mind there's a perpetual black slash where I was knocked off the honor roll that one time in seventh or eighth grade.

So you can see...these are the kind of things that bother me. It's not just stars on a screen, it's C's and...well, more C's, since my Academic Letters were big orange C's (for "Cheboygan"). ^_^ Do you see the pattern here, Reader? The C is always average, incomplete, not just right; not horrible enough to scream for vindication, but not good enough to deserve vindication, either. It's MEDIOCRE. I've always despised being mediocre. You don't even have much recourse to complain about how maligned you were--somebody else can always come along and say they've been treated worse!

I don't know. I know that perfection doesn't equal happiness, that in fact it brings its own share of unhappiness. But what did I do in school to gain approval? The other kids, my own peers, didn't much care for me. I was teased, yes, but never bullied. The teasing in itself was bad enough though. And what's worse than teasing? Ignoring, nonacceptance. Loneliness when all you want to do is share a part of yourself.

I didn't get that in school. Acceptance. It always eluded me. Even in elementary school, where I was happiest and even had friends, I never felt quite right, and always cried far too easily. (I remember seeing written on the back of the bus seat, "Rachal H. (of course they even misspelled my name) is a cry baby.")

I wasn't athletic; I HATED sports. I wasn't pretty; I hated even wearing dresses and nice clothes. I wasn't popular, of course; at any time I always had only one good friend, and they always ended up leaving too soon. So what did I do?

I created. And I strove. I drew beautiful pictures that got blue ribbons almost always at the school art fair. I wrote wonderful stories that the other students marveled over; one even ended up stolen. I created interesting characters whom my peers wanted to know better; someone even offered me $5 for an original drawing of one, which I refused. And I worked hard on my homework because it was the only thing I had, the only way to get SOME kind of approval.

I never really got it though. People could say I had a nice drawing or story or good grade, but it never meant that I was a good person. And once they'd complimented me, on they moved, to something more interesting. The attention was never long, never lasting. And it only got worse the higher up in the grades I went. In junior high I discovered competition and how awful it could be. Suddenly there were lots of people who were better at drawing and schoolwork than I was. They gathered more attention and my jealousy. I was no longer unique, but just one of many more who were better than I was. The only thing I seemed to have left by then was my writing and my characters and the worlds I'd created. But...no one was interested in them by then. They'd all grown up, and nobody wanted to indulge in my fantasies anymore.

I think somewhere I've already mentioned how people would say, "You're a great writer!" and when I, KNOWING they'd never read a word of my stuff, offered to let them read some, they'd hem and haw and then say, "Well, I can't right now, but I bet it's really good, see you later!"

I still strove for my good grades, enrolled in art courses, took writing classes. I got compliments from my teachers scribbled on my report cards, had my artwork displayed proudly on the walls and used as examples of good technique, and got A's A's A's in any course devoted to writing or reading; I even did moderately well in the dreaded math and science. But I never got the acceptance I wanted.

It didn't stop me from striving for "perfection" though. And from lamenting when I just missed reaching it.

So the C- and the missed Academic Letter and now, to this day, the three or two or one stars still wear on me. Rather than tell me that I made a small, forgivable mistake, or that somebody else made a mistake, they tell me that I made a HUGE mistake that, in my relentless quest for "perfection," will just sit there like a big huge black mark, highly visible to anyone who comes looking at my material. Rather than see the A's or the three bright orange C's or the long pages of writing with perfect spelling and grammar and all, they'll see the flaws that someone else noticed and pointed out. They'll see the imperfections, and they'll laugh, because out of the last things I had left to excel in--writing, reading, creating--I failed even there as well. And I'll have no way to gain the acceptance I want.

I know that writing a story, getting a good rating is not a way to get "acceptance." But I've been programmed this way my whole life, by myself. It's a hard habit to break, and it stays with me to this day. These are the reasons these things bother me. And I still feel awful looking "imperfect" to others, even while knowing I will never be perfect.

Hm, well...this was originally going to be a very short entry! Sorry I spilled my guts again, but at least you got a look at my motivations...stupid as they are. <:)

That reminds me! I had a dream last night! I have to post that too...