09-26-01 @ 3:35 am EDT

I will not stop writing what I feel I have the write to right.

(Ummm...yes, that was a stupid pun.)

I still write to P., and he has not let me down yet. He's never shown any sign of doing so. I know, that with all the others, they never showed any signs, either. I felt I could trust them, all of them. CAN I trust him? Like I've said, I don't think I know HOW to trust anyone. But he's the closest so far that's left. I know I have let him down, but he has yet to judge me. I will keep writing to him until he does let me down, if and whenever that may be. He is the one person left who still seems to have any amount of faith in me.

I believe I should also send off a letter to J. He hasn't hurt me, either. I know I've hurt him, by not replying. I should try to salvage what might still be there. I don't think he'll be mad at me, though he should be disappointed. He's often busy, but I will let him know I'm alive and thinking about him.

There has been at least one, possibly a few more people here who have reached out, and who have let me reach out to them. I don't know by now if it's of any use to try to trust anyone, especially those who are new to me. When I see a friendly hand stretch out, by now I feel like slapping it away and retreating into the corner. But seeing as I'm too weak to just give up as I want to, I'll accept it, for now. If any of them hurt me, then there's probably nothing I could have done about it anyway; people have hurt me, and will keep hurting me. I can't stop them, nor can I know who will do it, but at least now that I know who HAS done it already, I won't trust myself to them anymore.

Oh. There is D. I know now that she reads this. And I appreciate her words. I hope she takes no offense...there are many people from that site who reached out to me in friendship, and after a year and a half, only two are left. Should I add her to the list? Please don't be offended, D. I've just heard so many "I care about you"s followed by stabs to the back that I'm weary. At the moment I have you waiting in the wings, and I really did need to hear that which you told me.

I have the two who rely upon me, Pepper and Katchoo. I was recently scoffed at for writing about animals more kindly than I write about supposed friends. This is because, unlike people, animals NEVER let you down; they never wear two faces, or call you names, or insult your flaws, or make you feel threatened where you should feel safe...they don't because they aren't smart enough to, but does the reason matter? Plus I can care for them, something I can't say for anything else...I want someone to care for me, and I want to be able to care for someone. Feeding a rat...it wasn't exactly what I'd intended...but it's something. A little something.

And Pepper is my sister, literally; she has ALWAYS been here for me, for over 20 years. The day she dies, I will be lost, inside and out. She's such a brat. But she's my brat.

And I still have my stories. My fantasies and my own people, who NEVER let me down, not even unknowingly. Perhaps they will never get anywhere, and they will never take me anywhere; I don't believe anything of mine is even approaching good enough for publication. But I will never give them up. They are mine, have been mine for years, and have always been there for me. Do you know what? I can't write when I'm upset. Now, I SO wish that I could. I could write all my cares away.

My pain DOES, however, go straight into my writing. While I cried yesterday, scenarios went through my head. Reseda Rat was despairing, and the other Trench Rats told him what there was left to believe in. Amaranth Rat simply pointed to the white cross upon his helmet, in my mind; "This is what I live for," he said to Reseda, "this is what's left. I might not be any good...and I might not be able to help much...but they must've given me this for some reason."

And...Charmian fell from a ledge, slipping and crying. Justin caught her hand. Even while she sobbed with fear, he vowed, "I won't let you fall. I promise."

And there were others...not as developed, which will probably never see the light of day in my writing, but they showed up in my mind...

Why did I come up with any of these? They're so easily forgotten the moment I get upset. Whenever I'm TRULY, TRULY unhappy, one of my first instincts is to retreat into one of my character's personas, let THEM deal with the pain. I haven't allowed myself to do this lately, since I KNOW it only hides the issue. But it always felt so good to do it. It's unhealthy. But they know how to deal with this better, since they have the support that I need, and I do not.

Should I rely upon them more, after all?

I'm starting to think I will. I don't know how effective it will be. And I believe I'll forget all about this "battle plan" the next moment something makes me cry.

But at the moment, it's what little I have.

These are the few things left. Please give me the strength to rely upon them.