09-14-01 @ 6:08 am EDT

First to chastize me about misinterpreting a comment he'd made in a letter. He went on and on about that. Interesting. He even brought up the WTC attack to make his point, which to me looked as if he were hinting not-too-vaguely that I'm too concerned about myself while more important things are going on. How kind. Also thoughtful of him to remember the comment I'd made, considering he never "remembers" to reply.

He blamed the perpetual problem on ME for making myself "inaccessible" to others. Oh, how did he put all of this? I'll use his words, he said it better than I could; if I paraphrase, heaven forbid I should misunderstand him again...besides, he already made it clear he wants the last word in this and doesn't wish me to reply, so I post it here, I guess...

So I guess now you can talk about me like you have about B. and others since you clumped me together with all of the other people who have offended you by not paying enough acute but distant attention to you or have made empty promises.

Boo-hoo. I "clumped" you with her? That's because you did EXACTLY what she did. I TOLD YOU ALREADY THAT I NEED MORE ATTENTION THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY GIVE. I TOLD YOU REPEATEDLY. YOU STILL WANTED TO WRITE. DON'T BLAME ME WHEN I CLEARLY TOLD YOU!

When you decide to do so come join us in the chat room the next time we spontaneously decide to get together again. We come together in the chat room to share and find common bonding. But this can prove difficult for you to do since you always make a concerted effort in making yourself as inaccessible as possible to live contact and yet you still want a decent amount of attention.

YOU CAN GET ATTENTION WITHOUT LIVE CONTACT. I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT LIVE CONTACT. YOU **PRESSURED** ME WITH THAT, AND YOU STILL ARE. I JUST WANTED TO COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS INTERESTED IN ME, LIKE YOU **SAID** YOU WERE! Making myself inaccessible? Oh! Forgive me! You see, the way I saw it, I was the one writing to YOU, while YOU weren't writing to ME! In fact, YOU were the one I wrote to most promptly and most often, at least until you STOPPED REPLYING! Oh, how silly of me! All this time I thought YOU were the one being inaccessible. My apologies! I'll never make that mistake again! HAPPY?

Oh yes, and that TWO MONTH DISAPPEARANCE you took? Yes, I suppose I should apologize to you for THAT, too. Was I being inaccessible then? Yes! I am to blame for all of this. You didn't write to me on the 23rd or the 28th or the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd because I was being inaccessible! Thank you for clarifying--my bad!

STOP victimizing yourself.

OH? When did I do that THIS time? My fault again, I see? Hm. When someone says, "I'm going to write to you on X day!" and you sit and wait and no letter ever comes, NEVER comes, hm, am I going to sit here and be happy for myself? "He didn't write to me. Yippee!"? YOU WERE THE ONE WHO FAILED TO FOLLOW THROUGH, NOT ME! SO DON'T BLAME ME FOR "VICTIMIZING" MYSELF WHEN **YOU** ARE THE ONE WHO BROKE MY TRUST!

I sincerely want you to be happier.

Oh yeah, it REALLY shows. Even now when you try to grasp at what could be your last chance, you still don't send that "letter" you said you were writing, to at least try to prove you meant what you said. After all the things I wrote to you, it looks as if you don't know squat about me.

And in the very next letter:

ok, ok, you hate me, you don't trust me, I am bad, i have proven you right again.

In all of what you know is true I most probably know it too as well. I know what I did wrong. I just don't want to read about my failings all over again in a letter to me.

Oh, isn't that nice. You of course are entitled to the last word, correct? Yes. Forgive me for quoting what YOU YOURSELF told me repeatedly. Debase yourself, while trying to save face. "Please don't bring that up again! I'm tired of it!" Well gee. Perhaps now you're starting to know how I feel. HAVING TO ACCEPT YOUR MEANINGLESS APOLOGIES HAS GOTTEN ME SICK AND TIRED TOO!

...blah-blah-blah...whatever...it's all just static to you I suppose. I have been finding it harder and harder to care about most things in my life. Unfortunately some people I know may be hurt due to my scatter-brained inattention, my ineptitude to people's needs.

Don't you dare tell me what I do and don't care about. You don't know me. And--MAY be hurt? You're just flattering yourself now...

Forget you even knew me and you will save yourself a lot of disappointment and heartache.

Too late, "friend."

You were the one who contacted me first. You were the one who then decided it wasn't important enough to write to me even when you promised you would. And then told me I was expecting too much from you when I expected your word to mean anything. (All the while telling me I would have to trust you and TAKE you at your word!) I told you over and over that my mind isn't well, that I expect a LOT, that I retreat when people break their word, that I would drive you off. You insisted this was not true and that you would write anyway.

You didn't. Oh, FORGIVE me for being beyond angry.

I lay the blame on you this time.

Thanks for the wonderful repeated experience of all my other so-called "friendships" that you gave me. It was exactly what I needed to remind me never to bother again.