09-12-01 @ 2:06 am EDT

...of myself once again. I've thought of others almost all day. In fact I have to take my mind OFF them to quit thinking about it or I'll be obsessing forever. I feel sorriest for the workers who were killed while trying to rescue others; for the people on those planes who must have known their end was coming; and for those children cheering in the streets of Palestine, who have been so corrupted by the hatred of their elders. They're only children. Children aren't supposed to cheer when others die. Who taught them that? Why?

But I can't dwell on that all night or I'll never get a thing done...while I'm sitting here uploading photos at Fotki, since Webphotos has been down and shows no signs of coming back up, I looked through the WTC albums linked on the main page. And I'm thinking about HIM again. He was on twice yesterday, around one PM and around ten PM. He posted his own public message about the disaster. And he didn't have a word to say to me, to my "final" message to him. Not even to beg me to keep writing, which I really don't think makes any point anyway.

But he could have at least made some effort. He proves now what stripe of liar he is. Me, I KNOW I have problems, I even told him so--My mind doesn't work like others'. There's something very wrong with the way I think. He brushed it off, but he never did send that "stupidly long letter." I bet even word one wasn't typed out.

I knew there was something strange about the way he showed so much interest in me at first...nobody is ever that interested in someone else unless they want something. I'm glad I never gave him my address when he asked for it, to send me a "scrapbook." Uh-huh. Whatever.

He's probably sitting grousing to himself about what a clingy stupid bitch I am and how he should never have bothered writing for how annoying I am. Can he think that? Of course he can. But I know that this time he's not entirely correct. He told me TIME AND AGAIN he would get back to me. He never did. And then he told me I should just keep forgiving him and putting up with it because I EXPECT TOO DAMN MUCH.

Well, "friend"--EXCUSE ME for taking you for your word time and again when you never intended to mean it. Know why I don't trust people? This is why.

Wanna know what he did once early on in our correspondence when I was like a day or two late writing back to him? He sent me numerous e-mails begging to know what was wrong. Hm. Shoe's on the other foot now, is it? It's okay for you to do it, right?

Of course. I am, after all, always in the wrong, being the unstable clingy bitch that I am.

I TOLD him there was too much inside me that he couldn't handle. I TOLD him I would bore him off. He laughed and said that wasn't true. "I'll always be here for you!" Even when I'm hurting? You can't even see it?

Look who's right this time?