09-25-01 @ 2:04 am EDT

The reactions I get from people, both online and in my real life. They follow patterns, and this is the most recent pattern I've discovered.

A person will tell me how I should better myself. Being the negative bitchy whiner that I am, I of course deny that any of it is possible. If it were so easy, I believe I would have been able to do it by now. The fact of the matter is I need somebody THERE WITH ME to help me through the process; there isn't anyone, therefore I will stay stuck in the same rut that I'm in.

When I deny I can change, said person tries to be nice to me and get me to open up to them so they can "help" me. I insist that they're making a mistake, but I go along with it. I even tell them I can never trust them. (Remember, this goes for both online AND the real world. I've had this reaction from MANY people, to varying degrees, though it's only just recently that I've started telling people upfront that I can't trust them. This seems to lead to them feeling insulted (as if it's personal??) and wanting to prove me wrong, like it's some kind of game. Whatever floats their boat.) But they say they can change all that, if I just let them try.

I let them try, for whatever reason (most likely my negativity) it fails.

This is when we start to descend into pettiness and namecalling and such. I retreat and sulk, and they may do the same or start to lash out at me. I will also likely lash back. That's the way it goes. Though I'm ashamed, I've never hidden this fact; people should learn to expect it from me by now. They all seem to insist that they are better off than me, that they hold the answers to happiness, that I too can achieve this if I only try hard enough; so when I say, "Thanks but no thanks," why they get so mad about it, I have no idea why they hold it against me...they ARE supposed to be better off than me, right? Why do they hold me to the same standards of behavior as themselves if they're better?

But anyway, they seem to get mad at me for "tempting" them into trying to help me...or whatever. I don't know why people try. People just seem to gravitate toward me in an effort to "help," but it always seems to turn out that they're just as poorly off upstairs as I am. Me, I can admit I'm unstable. I KNOW I am! The rest, I'm seeing my own behavior in them. My OWN behavior, which disgusts me so much! But they seem to project it onto me--and deny it in themselves...perhaps this is why they gravitate to me then? They see that which they wish to change so badly in themselves, and can't, so they try to "fix" someone who seems to be worse off than they are?

I admit this too. I'm very low functioning. Those who contact me, are high functioning. But seem to have the same problems. It's just that, unlike me, they seem to have learned to function even while having these problems. I haven't learned how to do this. So they DO have one thing up on me, but not as much as they think they do.

If this theory is right, that is.

Anyway...they gravitate to me, I warn them to keep away, they keep persisting, they try and fail, they get mad at me for being so negative all along. Like, blaming me for getting them involved, when they tried to talk to me first. Why is this? It keeps happening, repeatedly; this is NOT a one-time thing.

Someone just got mad at me and said they would never speak to me again. Which doesn't seem to matter much, since they weren't really communicating with me much anyway, except to offer advice which they too would do well to take, and to insult me. I'm not sure what they thought they would gain from that, since they were supposed to be better off than me...

The other day, when I wouldn't reply to Dad because I knew it would do no good, his response was to say, "Fine, I won't talk to YOU for one or two days then!"

Why do people do this? Sheesh. They claim to know me, and then they use one of the things I detest most. So either they are completely ignorant and were lying whenever they said they knew me and paid attention to me, or they never meant anything they said and WANT to hurt me, by doing the things which I hate the most.

But ANYWAY...what point was I getting at? Oh yes. This is MY tendency when I get mad at someone. Rather than take it out on them (aside from a small lash), I tend to keep it to myself, gripe to others, and give them the cold shoulder. I REFUSE TO REPLY. People have told me this is wrong, and unhealthy.

So what do they do when THEY get mad at ME?

They keep it to themselves, gripe to others, and give ME the cold shoulder.

?





...And these are the people who think they are qualified to give me advice on how to better myself. How can they advise me on things, when they have the same problems which they can't see in themselves? And why do they then get ANGRY with me for this?

So now this is the pattern I've seen, and maybe I've seen more than I at first thought. A lot more people than I thought are a lot more like me than I thought. They react to anger and betrayal and such in the SAME UNHEALTHY WAYS that I do. I know I'm not doing anything to better myself...but at least I KNOW I'm not healthy. I try not to advise others as to what's best, and if I do, I make sure to say that I MAY BE WRONG, as I AM NOT HEALTHY MYSELF.

But those who advise ME, who react to things in the same way that I do...they never make this disclaimer. They really DO seem to believe that they know the answer to happiness and self-esteem, and they can tell me how to achieve it. No, I don't believe they DO know this. If they DID, wouldn't they react to emotional pain a lot better than I do? Wouldn't they know that those things which they see as unhealthy in myself are unhealthy in themselves as well...wouldn't they recognize that they are just doing the same things they're telling me I shouldn't do?

Like looking into a mirror, and berating your own reflection as if it is someone else, as if it is responsible for the flaws upon your own face...

I don't know...maybe I'm psychoanalyzing too much here. But it does seem to be the pattern.

Perhaps everyone is wrong, and happiness lies not in becoming healthy, but in merely RECOGNIZING that we're ALL unhealthy? I don't think any of us are truly happy. Most especially not those who can't even realize that they aren't.

Times like these, I think the entire world may be just as insane as I am. And it's not a thought that makes me feel any better. If EVERYONE is as poorly off as I am...then who is there to help me, and is it even worth the effort to bother changing at all?