09-15-01 @ 7:06 pm EDT

After my failed post yesterday I posted twice, clarifying my comments the first time, asking her advice the second. Should I just keep my mouth shut from now on, even though I have been told I should not? I respect her, I respect her opinion. Please answer this, if not the post above.

That was around ten this morning and she has not replied, though she has been online asking related questions, still talking about how the "warm and fuzzy" approach will not work with terrorists.

(I never, ever said it would.)

So...I wrote her a letter directly to tell her I was sorry for making myself heard. I didn't mean to beat myself over the head in it, but I always do that. What is everyone to expect when they tell me one thing, then when I do it, they become angry and refuse to speak to me anymore? It's like the Four board all over again.

I told her--H.--to also let the other one, T., know I was sorry as well. I know I've lost both of them now.

This is three "friends" in one week. There is one--P.--and perhaps two, with J.--left. Should I just tell them I give up on them before they give up on me? I'm barely in contact--well, I should just say NOT in contact with one. With P., it's become sporadic because I haven't been able to write to him lately. Now, I feel even less able. He must grow disappointed in me, and I don't blame him. Perhaps it's all for the best.

I asked God to let me know why I'm even here, on Earth, if I have no purpose. Look at this! This October 8th, it's been 25 years that I've been on Earth. Yet you can't tell from my journal that I'm even an adult. I've accomplished NOTHING in my quarter of a century here. I have made no lasting impact whatsoever upon anybody. I have made no lasting friendships, for whatever reason. I truly do believe that if I were to die tonight, or tomorrow, maybe my parents and brother would grieve a bit, but not for long--they would be relieved of me, the one who has done nothing to support herself--and nobody else would even notice I am gone. All right...maybe there would be one or two "Where is she?"s. But should people learn I was permanently gone, they would not much mind. All my words, they would vanish as nothing, not be missed. This is the impact I've made upon other people. They can tell me they enjoyed what I wrote, and I will like that they did, but when all is said and done, it didn't affect them any. If they had never read it, it would have been the same. If I had affected people, I would have friends. I don't even have acquaintances aside from P. anymore. And I think I should hurt him just so I don't have to deal with him hurting me. I know it will happen.

I asked God, why am I here? Can You at least just answer this? All I can do in life is hurt. Is that what I'm here for? To hurt? To make others' lives look better?

I refused to believe that was my purpose. But God, as always, offered me no alternative answers.

I've not affected even God Himself.

Why did He even put me here? <:*(

You can't believe in something unless they believe in you. Nobody believes in me, if they ever did.

I don't know what to do or to believe in anymore.

If you can't answer me, God, could you at least give me the strength to give up? I cling to the hope that I may find someone, someday, who can accept me for who I am, flaws and all, who will not end up doing the same thing everyone else has done. Yet I don't believe such a person exists.

Can you at least let me let go, give up?

Please?