09-14-01 @ 1:08 am EDT

Stuff I posted elsewhere, but it holds here as well, I guess...

I'm lonely.

I feel like I'm turning invisible lately. Even those I used to know don't seem to know me anymore. When I comment on something, it's like it's just thin air. And lest anybody decide to step in and say, "Nobody ever replies to you because you never reply to THEM!", please rest assured that I know that already, I've been beating myself over the head about it but it doesn't change. So don't tell me that if you were going to or if you were even reading this, thank you.

I remember the other day posting what I thought was a very thoughtful, detailed post in another location, asking for opinions...nobody replied. I was in communication with somebody a while back about her writings about Egyptian mythology; one of her replies took a month coming to me, so when I took a month replying to a different one I thought it would be all right; never any reply from her, even when I commented on one of her works elsewhere. I stopped in at another place to say hello, one of the few times I ever do that...no replies. And this was in a forum for people who feel invisible!! If I'm invisible even in there, what does it say about me?

I think there is one person left I write to with any regularity, and I haven't written to him in weeks. (You know who you are--I owe you a letter. I haven't been able to write very well lately, much less devote the time I know I should to your story. I hope you're still interested in my reply when I can summon up the strength to send it. Trust me, by this point, you are the only one I really have left!) There are maybe two or three others who are friendly. But I don't write regularly, and they don't either, and I feel lately we disagree on some things and so communication would just be more difficult and uncomfortable. I always clam up when I sense others are busy, which I sense from them, so I don't wish to pester.

Still, I feel lonely. I did get to go out for once and eat at a real restaurant tonight, but I feel as if people just want to be away from me. I recently gave up on yet another one who apparently no longer cares to give me the time of day. It's even like this with my family. Thursdays are the only day Ma doesn't go to bingo or the casino. She USED to get home around seven. Nowadays, she always seems to be able to find some reason to stay late at work or go somewhere else. (She can get out of work early enough when there's bingo, but not when there isn't.) That's why tonight was such a "miracle." I think it was only because she wanted to try out that restaurant too. Whenever I'd like to go somewhere else to get out, I practically have to argue to get her to agree. I hate feeling like I'm forcing people to go along with me, so I end up staying in all the time.

(No, I don't want to ride down the road. It's too cold and they just blacktopped it. That's the only other place around here that I can go, and it's pretty much off limits from autumn to spring.)

Even with two other people in the house, and countless people online, I still feel the same as ever. You'd think it would be different. Maybe I'm just heading downwards again...I know it's not hormones this time though, at least...

Well, this post has no purpose, and yes this is whiny but I feel it'll just be overlooked in favor of the more important things. (And yes, I know they're more important.) I've posted a few times recently with no reply so I rather expect it...people are more focused on other things. Do I just have the tendency to get lonely at the most inopportune times? Or am I jealous that everyone's minds are elsewhere? Go figure, that's probably it right there. -_- Selfish.

(IF YOU HAVE READ THIS AND ARE THINKING OF GIVING ME TOUGH LOVE OR TELLING ME TO DO SOMETHING OR SHUT UP, FORGET IT AND POST SOMEWHERE ELSE PLEASE. I'm not in the mood.)

Apologies for posting, I just get tired of ranting in my journal or to myself. Everyone will carry on as always.

Not that any of it matters, of course...