10-25-01 @ 5:24 pm EDT

I'm back again. Pepper is still here. She's still suffering though. I so hope I can still do something for her. I was so certain I would come back and find her gone. Then it would have been my fault, even if I didn't kill her myself. I wouldn't have been here for her.

Smokey died without me there, and he even warned me. I KNEW something was wrong with him. When I came back to him he was gone. If it happens again I can never forgive myself. I don't forgive myself for Smokey.

Katchoo is all right. Seemed starved, like I expected her to. I forgot to tell Dad to feed her. He probably gave her a treat, but she's always so hungry. When I came into the room she jumped up on her waterbottle and stared at me like she knew who I was. <:*) Like a dog running to the door. She does that for anybody who walks by though. Wouldn't stop sniffing my hands when I reached in, and wouldn't stand still for me to pick her up. I gave her a bowl of food and a big piece of broccoli. I hear her munching right now.

God please, I still believe in You, I just don't think You care for me. Could You care for Pepper?

At the hotel in Traverse City I walked out to the beach during the day and the water was green and low, far back from the shore, leaving a wide swath of sand. I stood at the edge and stared across. It reminded me of my dreams. At night I walked out to the water and stood there again. It made me afraid.

I'm not doing much on the Net today before I get off. I don't much feel like it.