10-24-01 @ 3:09 am EDT

Well...now I don't know whether to think if things are good, bad, or just the same as always. It's probably the last, because things never change.

I've been wanting Ma to call the vet for the past couple of days because Pepper just seems to be getting worse. She didn't again, and said she couldn't tomorrow because she's going to Traverse City for the day. And is staying overnight. I HATE when either of my parents is away overnight. It's just about as bad as ME having to stay somewhere overnight. (Yes, 25 and I still get homesick. So screw off if it makes you laugh.)

This just led to me breaking down again. First five or ten minutes was me complaining, again, that she's never around, and her piping up once in a great while to say what did I want her to do? I kept pointing out her behaviors--falling silent, changing the subject, misunderstanding what I'm trying to say--and she would just keep silent.

So it got worse...I told her just about EVERYTHING. Everything except the self-injury stuff. How WOULD I tell her about that? She'd probably just yell, "YOU'D BETTER STOP DOING THAT!"

I told her she can always find the time for things that she wants, but if it's me, she can never find the time.

I told her I probably stay up all day because nobody's home then, what would I do at home all alone?

I told her I have NO job talents whatsoever, so her suggestion that I try to find a job would be pointless.

I told her I hate my birthday because it just reminds me that ANOTHER year has passed, and I've done absolutely NOTHING with my life.

I told her I felt stupid and worthless being here all the time and not being able to even do anything.

I told her I felt, again, like she and Dad just didn't want to be around me because I'm here all the time and I'm so annoying, who WOULD want to be around me?

I told her I've been reaching out to her for months, what do I have to say to get her to understand?

I told her it's been 25 years, 25 whole years of nothing and why am I even here.

I told her that everybody else at 25 years has gotten married, gotten a job, had kids, gotten out of the house, take a look at me--none of that for me!

I told her I don't even FEEL like an adult.

I told her that the ONE thing I think I do at least MODERATELY well, write, is ignored by just about everybody anyway--who the hell bothers to read what matters most to me? One person, yes...just one person. How can a writer make a "living" on the readership of one person?

I told her, when she suggested I write to my sister-in-law (why??), that I hate bothering people with all this crap, and that's why I tell so much to complete strangers on the Internet. People online know far more about me than anybody in my real life, even my FAMILY!

I told her, when she suggested I think of Shannon as a stranger, that that approach--telling others--only works so much.

I told her I'm so tired of the same thing repeating over and over and over again.

I told her I didn't even know how to ask her what I REALLY wanted to ask her.

I told her that I want HELP, but how can we even get help?--we can't afford a thing--and even after saying it outright like that, I'm still not sure she really understands the kind of help I want.

I told her that even if something good WERE to come my way, I would just mess it up. I mess up EVERYTHING.

I told her I'm sorry for being so stupid and annoying.

The only thing I didn't tell her was, "Oh, by the way, I hit myself when I'm bored." What would've been the point of that?...

So...I ended up telling her all of that. I want to crawl under something and disappear. Dying would be too good, I want to just VANISH. I feel so stupid. All of this because she forgot to call the vet (I'm so worried about Pepper) and is going to Traverse City to go shopping. Why do I let this get to me? I just know it'll end up the same way. We always continue in this cycle. Why should I expect things to ever be any different?...

After all of this (with limited interruptions from her, only because I kept falling silent and bringing it up again, what else would she do?), she quietly asked if I remembered...oh what's her name...Janette Korn or something. I said no. It was a lady with some agency who tried to help me prepare myself to find a job when I was still in high school. I remembered two women now. A brunette and a blond, both of them rather big but friendly; some work agency, you go in, they "train" you on stuff like writing a resume and dressing for interviews and such; one of them took me to lunch once, but I was too ashamed to order any food for myself, I just had water even though I was starving. I remember she took me for a drive out in the country too, though I can't remember why. We saw a falcon. I've never seen a falcon before. It was beautiful.

But they had to cut me loose. College started, I had no time for a job even if there had been one to be had. I sent my resume (if you could even CALL it that) to the library for a job SHELVING BOOKS, but the job went to somebody with a bachelor's degree and I never even went to an interview even though we'd gone shopping for a nice outfit. It didn't matter. I guess you need a bachelor's degree to put books on a shelf anyway.

But...like I said, they cut me loose because time had run out, college was starting, what was the point. And that was the last I saw of them. They were probably the last "therapy" I had, and it failed, as always. The guidance counselor failed. The women's counselor failed. The psychologist failed, and then the psychiatrist. And the job agency failed. They all gave up, or time/money ran out, or whatever. It never changes.

Why should this be any different at all?

In any case she said she thought she had an embroidery job for Janette or whoever, she might ask her if she knew anything...not that a job would help me now anyway. Yes, I feel worthless. But to get a job you have to have SKILLS and CONFIDENCE. I have neither. What good would it do?

She also asked if I'd at least think about writing to Shannon. I said I'd think about it. I can't imagine myself doing it though. Ma said she works with a ministry and might know something that could help. WHAT? Even Christians hate me! The priest refused to baptize me when I was born because he thought I'd turn out bad! Doesn't that say something about me??

But I can't imagine myself unburdening myself on her...I know she has nothing to offer...what would YOU say if, out of the blue, a family member you have hardly any contact with were to write to you and spew out all their problems and then ask for advice? I would have nothing to offer. I know she wouldn't either. It would just be more embarrassment.

I told her I can't even ask for help properly, again I'm sorry...

She then asked if I'd like to go along to Traverse City. I don't know. It's overnight. I'd have to miss all my shows which I record anal-retentively, Dad might be peeved, and what about Pepper? I'm still so worried about her. To just leave to go shopping, leave her behind when she's sick...I don't know what I should do.

I guess I have until seven in the morning. Four hours to decide. I don't know what to decide. What can you even do over there for an entire day? I asked. Well, they have a casino..., she started. I HATE casinos...

I really don't know. But whether I go or not, I still just see myself living with this problem my entire life. 25 years, 26 years, 27 years...I keep seeing the years roll by and each is the same as the last, I'm still HERE, I'm still WORTHLESS, and I'm still a FAILURE.

I just remembered another thing I didn't tell her. Though I know I've told her before. I've always been jealous of my brother, even though he's the one who got poor grades, got in trouble with the law, dropped out of college, and was Dad's constant whipping boy. I was jealous of him because...he believed in himself, and he made something of himself.

I haven't even gotten CLOSE to doing that.

I can't even imagine things being any different or better than the way they are now. What do I do? Should I even bother?

...I just checked out Pepper. Her nose is running and she's panting now, her tongue sticking out. Oh God, she's the only real friend I've ever had. Why does she have to suffer? Why do they ALWAYS suffer? I pray every time that You'll just give their pain to me. WHY DON'T YOU DO IT? WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME?