10-08-01 @ 3:37 am EDT

Not so happy?

The print program gave me a lot of trouble. I reopened it when I got offline but all I could do was import a picture into a project before it would say "Illegal function," every time, without fail. I could NOT use it. Restarts didn't help. This got me so mad. I cried all evening about it and missed Law & Order.

Sometimes I think God just WANTS my days to be lousy. I didn't intend that as humor, if any reader was thinking of laughing.

Ma came home and when I told her, of COURSE the very first thing out of her mouth was, "What did you do to it?" WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS THINK I BROKE EVERYTHING!

I still can't convince her it wasn't just me clicking too fast and not following instructions that caused the errors. If I wasn't SUPPOSED to do that, wouldn't it bring up a popup SAYING that? Why does it say "IMPORT PICTURE" if you're not supposed to!!

I hope it's just a memory error. At one point it did say "Memory is low. Please shut down any other programs you may have running." It's dumb to not be able to import pics into a project, how then can you work on a project??

But anyway...if you just open up the pic itself, you can doodle with it and save it separately. They've got some interesting filters; I should try posting one around here. I'd like to try to apply several at once, but I'd have to save it each time as you can only use one.

Another user around here recently (a few days ago) IMed me and said they were going to send me an e-mail asking me some questions the next day, they thought I might be able to help...I've seen them and their other username logged in a lot since then, no letter. I kind of hope they don't read this, though I have no reason to think they will. Why did they say they wanted to send me an e-mail when they didn't? Do they think I'm just like "Oh, that's cool, I guess" because they never sent it? That was my first interaction with that user, to my knowledge. Man, I get off to a bad start even the first time around now. Why did they even IM me? I think there's much good reason to keeping my account private now, even if it means I'm lonelier here. I hate when people say they'll do something and don't follow through. ESPECIALLY when we've just "met"! You have a higher expectation of people you've just met, and then when they don't follow through...! Were they just hitting on me? (I HATE "flattering" myself so much to think that anybody would want to hit on me, YUCK, but it's very easy to think, "Hey, here's a young single person who seems a lot like me, I think I'll send them a message..." and then to have your expectations dashed--perhaps I do that all the time when guys learn I won't play along!) I sit here waiting and waiting and thinking, "Well, I must've just bored them off." Do I NEED another excuse to blame myself for things? IS it my fault?

Manitou Island current word count: 108,871.

This time, I'm going to wait to post it publicly until I'm ready to send P. a letter. I kind of use the links I send as an "excuse" to write to him, as mean as that is. I didn't get to last time as he found it first!! He must've been lurking over my portfolio ready to snatch it up. ^_^ Ah, my loyal readership of one. Heh. The new group is looking interesting, even if I think I should still quit the old one. (Oh...did I mention that? I was invited into another group...looks nice so far, even if I'm not sure what good I could do.)

Asked if I would like to join a third group, tempted, but I'm not sure if I could perform adequately. I'm still waiting to be accepted into the Great Portfolio Race. I'm thinking my item will never be linked. :(

This evening when upset I was thinking and getting angry with myself over why I always get upset over the stupidest things. Well yes, I feel CONSTANTLY cheated--I get a birthday present and I can't even frigging use it! But it's just a PRINT PROGRAM, the other part of my brain says. Why let it get you so upset??

The answer?

I don't have enough IMPORTANT things in my life to keep me from getting upset over the UNIMPORTANT things.

Well, it's true. Not that long ago I was kind of upset and depressed around here and another user asked me to send a cheer-up letter to a third user. That briefly took my mind off my own pain, trying to help somebody else with theirs. (Somebody who probably had a more valid reason to be upset!) It also made me feel USEFUL, which I've always wanted and have been denied. The rest of the time I refrain from doing this. Why reach out to help others when I'm so weak myself? It's hypocritical to tell others to be strong, when I can't be. (Ah Gawd, this sounds like something that'll end up in my story...*blargh*) I always feel false offering advice, when I can't take the advice of others. Yet at least that one time, it felt good to do something to take my mind off my pain, even if the pain just returned later on, and even if the gesture was just a dinky one.

I think I DO need more important things in my life, to distract me from the unimportant, or at least to get me used to the fact that they're unimportant, but I never allow myself the time or inclination to do so. What would I find important anyway? Dad's told me the stuff I'm interested in isn't important. *sigh* Self-defeatist.

Yea...25 years, another year of nothing. I've grown to hate birthdays. They mean absolutely nothing when you've done nothing with yourself, and nobody ever really remembers it except Dad anyway. And as if he takes me anywhere or anything...well...at least he's getting me a sandwich. What I'd really like to do is go out somewhere with Ma, but why bother asking? Work and bingo are more important. She bought me the print program, why can't it be enough? Somehow nothing ever is. Perhaps this is why I don't ask for anything specific for holidays anymore. What I want, I know they won't give me. Be grateful that I DO get anything. Yet I can never be completely grateful. I always feel cheated.

Though I also despise and fear the thought, I've always longed for a surprise party, something I didn't expect, to let me know people remember and really DO care. It never happens. I don't expect it to. A birthday should just go by like any other day. Sitting and sulking that no one cared, but expecting it to be like that anyway.

Hm, I can't think of a way to end this entry. Does anyone even read this anymore or have I finally bored everyone off? <;)