10-08-01 @ 5:59 am EDT

Sometimes, when bored, I strangle myself for that weird little "high" it gives you, which lasts for only a few seconds and sometimes might not even come at all. It's only for a moment. It leaves me shaking badly sometimes and makes my memory go hazy. And you can do it only once a day. I don't think I've ever mentioned this anywhere or to anyone before. Not that it matters.

Sometimes when bored or, lately, when angry or upset, I hit myself as hard as I can, and I get even more upset when I can't make a decent lasting bruise and when it doesn't hurt as much as it should anymore. I hate it when it doesn't hurt with every move I make. Lately the hitting doesn't seem to work anymore, like my skin's just gotten thicker or something. I know it hasn't, but it feels like it.

And sometimes I press cold water to my eyes to reduce the redness and swelling that grows there after crying a lot. It's better than trying to explain why you've obviously been crying to somebody who'll get mad at you whether you tell them or not.

I did the first one last night and will probably do it again tonight. I'm thinking of trying the second one out again later on, in another spot, hopefully with more success. And I just did the third one a few moments ago.

I got two automated e-mails from sites I'm signed up at saying "Happy Birthday!"

I hated those. I hated that the only ones I got were from some stupid anonymous websites I barely even visit. They're not even from real people, they're from some bot or something that took notice of my birthdate in the database and shuttled off a stupid form-letter e-mail. How thoughtful.

I hate that I'll be angry whether somebody remembers or not. Angry if they do ("Why do you even bother?"), angry if they don't ("You didn't even care?").

I hate that I post this in the stupid hopes somebody will notice (they won't) and take pity on me, which isn't real concern, is just pity. Anybody can pity somebody who's pathetic. I'm not worth real concern, else people would remember me. People don't.

I hate that 25 years of nothing has passed, all wasted. A quarter of a century. That is NOT young to have never done anything. I hate that once, I used to believe things MIGHT be better, in the future.

What was I thinking?

I've decided I hate October 8th.