10-15-01 @ 4:18 am EDT

Hormones? Does it always, all boil down to hormones? I started today. I had no idea I was even due; I think I started early, like last time. I no longer seem to get the telltale signs like backache or irritability, just this...DEPRESSION.

The last huge, HUGE depression I went through was August of last year--right BEFORE that time of the month. I can't think of any other examples, but I bet there are more. And YES, I am still upset that the conversation was not completed. I'm bothered most by the fact that we do the same thing, every time, as if we're a broken record doomed to repeat the same notes over and over. Groundhog Day. There's a blowup, we sulk, we get over it, life goes on, things build up, there's another blowup, we sulk, we get over it, life goes on, things build up...how often must I go through this until we ALL learn?

I've already said I tried talking to her in the plainest words possible, it didn't work. So I know that another blowup awaits me in the future, another blowup and more shredded feelings and no resolution in sight. I HATE "looking forward" to that. It's awful KNOWING that something unpleasant awaits you in your future.

But anyway...the time that it awaits me at...will it be approximately three to four weeks from now? This is so damned frustrating! IS it just hormones all out of whack? If it's just stupid HORMONES then I feel it's DUMB to get so upset. I know I can't control it, but it makes the reaction, the outburst, seem STUPID. "Oh...I was depressed because it was that time of the month." How LAME can you get?

Or is it really a valid explanation? I know there were ads on TV a while back talking about...Jeez, what was that...premenstrual something...no, not syndrome...premenstrual what? WHAT was that thing? Affective disorder? Well, basically it said that if PMS SEVERELY disrupts your life, it's technically a mental problem. Like SAD or some such. I laughed at the time. "Looking for yet more excuses to get away with feeling a little blue!" Like I said, I already knew what it felt like to get IRRITATED every month, and I'd get excessively frustrated as well. But not so damned DEPRESSED! If something gets to me, I literally cry until my eyes are red and sore for DAYS. (Not that I ever look good to begin with, but I still look awful now.)

So what is it? Is it me, reacting poorly as always? Is it hormones and a really stupid excuse, just get over it and wait out the next three/four days? Or is it hormones, and it's just as bad as the real thing? What is it?

And HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT??