12-21-01 @ 2:41 am EST

Another reprint. This one's really dumb, back when I tried really over-the-top sarcasm to be funny. Stupid and really not funny. But still applicable. Originally from 6/10/00.

Our store--a Spartan store--somehow gets away with false advertising. Case in point? Their wonderful little orange non-drowsy sinus pills. Wahoo!

(Well, I had to toss the title in there somewhere, duh.

Ah, well I remember the first time I took these things. It was evening and my head hurt. I always get headaches. Just about every day. They aren't bad ones, but they're annoying enough. Aspirin didn't help; I hated having to take it more than once a day. Finally Ma suggested I try sinus medication instead. "What the heck," I thought. "Can't hurt me unless I overdose, and I ain't that sorry yet."

So I took a couple of the pills out of their nice little package--pretty orange tablets--and swallowed 'em. With a drink, of course. Non-alcoholic; I don't drink alcohol. 'Specially not with medication. (What, do you think I'm NUTS?)

Hold on--I hear a noise--nah, it's just the cat chewing on her chicken. Uh, where was I?

Oh, right. The medication. Anyway, I took the pills and I went to use the computer, to do my nice little computer things. This was before we had the Internet, the lovely chaotic Internet. So...that means I must have been typing, since there's nothing else I can find to do on our computer. Only games we got are casino games, for Ma, for the two minutes when she's NOT at bingo or the casino. So...I pretty much type. That's it.

Anyway, I'm typing away and this strange feeling starts to come over me. What's going on? Did my head just float away and forget to invite my body along for the ride? Uh, no, my head's still here, but, hey, sure feels like it went drifting off on its own... It was a familiar feeling but I couldn't place it. I sat there and thought to myself, "For God's sake, what the hell's going on?? Why do I feel so...weird...and dreamy..."

HA! THAT was it! I knew this feeling--it was the same feeling I'd gotten when I'd taken SLEEPING PILLS! I was getting DROWSY!

Confuzzled, I picked up the sinus medication box and read the print on the front.

Spartan Maximum Strength SINUS (that was it, just "Sinus," you know, like just "Madonna") Acetaminophen/Pseudoephedrine Hydrochloride (woo-hoo!) Pain Reliever/Fever Reducer * Nasal Decongestant. Fast Relief of: Nasal Congestion * Sinus Pressure/Pain * Headache (wow, all those GOOD things in life!) without drowsiness

AHA! There it was! "Without drowsiness"! And so what the high holy hell was this I was feeling?? Could it be, oh, I dunno, maybe...DROWSINESS?!?

How dare they false advertise like that! I say they clear this matter up and print "WITH DROWSINESS" right on the cover for all potential sinus-headache afflictees to see. What on Earth would have happened to me if I'd considered--heaven forbid!--operating heavy machinery??

As I keep saying to myself--if this is non-drowsy--I'd hate to try REGULAR!! I'd be in a COMA by *grrnk*--*snort*--zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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