08-25-02 @ 6:50 am EDT

'Nother old Child Lost post or two!

Message #193070, posted on 09-18-01 @ 7:35 am EDT,
by: Tehuti, Lord Of The Eight (20)

Subject: Re: OCP/OCD


Gaw...I could go on forever and ever about the things that obsess me. ^_^;

Let me see if I can list a few with any coherency...

Here are the main "types" of obsessions and compulsions and some examples of how they apply to me...

Washing & Cleaning: If my hands get sticky or dirty, have to wash them. IMMEDIATELY. Can't stand dirty or sticky hands, just the feeling on my fingertips bugs me. If I'm wearing my jacket I wrap my hand in my sleeve to avoid touching doorknobs and such; otherwise, I wash my hands after contact. Thrift stores and such make me feel all icky. The colder the weather, the dirtier I'll feel, especially if the dirt is visible--grime on a frosty windowpane or mud on a car floor, for example--YUCK. I know I must have more of these, but those are the main ones.

Checking: Big one for me. I ALWAYS proofread what I send (if I don't...then I include a disclaimer!! o_O ), and if I find a typo has STILL managed to slip through, I apologize for it. With journal entries here, if I find a typo right after submitting an entry, I usually delete it and resubmit rather than end up with that "Entry was edited by" tag on the top. Blah! I don't often go around checking locks or the stove unless something has happened to make me anxious, but I've been known to check other things. I make sure my clocks are set right (I have THREE alarm clocks--and even they fail me all the time!), when I go on a long trip I make sure I've got all the proper stuff several times over (though I always forget SOMETHING, and though I never NEED half of it! ^_^ ), etc.

Repeating: *Ugh.* I have these "prayers"--more like a ritual formula--that I say and I just keep repeating the most important parts OVER and OVER, like I don't expect God to get the point. I have to do this at certain, stupid times. More on that in a moment. I'm very anal so of course I repeat plenty of things over and over to make sure I've done them right, or I have to repeat until something "feels" right--and things often NEVER feel just right. A good example is with my tape recordings on the VCR. I watch each episode before it airs again and if there's the TINIEST glitch in the recording, I must record it over! Again and again until I get it right. So tiring! A strange bathroom ritual of mine involves repetition...I don't think I could get into details without completely embarrassing myself, but I could probably be diagnosed with overactive bladder based on this compulsion! The weird thing is, on another writing site I came across an article by another person who described themselves going through the exact same ritual. I couldn't believe it!!

I also repeat particular phrases and words so I don't "forget" them, even if I have no reason to remember. And I'll repeat noises or sounds in my mind or to myself so much so that it becomes very annoying. It's like a dumb song you can't get out of your head.

Ordering: Another big one for me. Everything in its place, even if the place is a horrid mess. My hoarding (more on that next) guarantees a very messy living space :( , but my ordering guarantees that if something isn't in the EXACT right spot where I left it in that mess, then I'll throw a fit. For example, "I KNOW I left that pen somewhere in this pile of papers, in THIS part of the room. It is NOT in another part of the room--it should be HERE!" So rather than look around I'll dig in that stack for ten minutes before breaking down crying because things aren't "just right." Ma keeps moving my papers from in front of the computer and of course I always get mad. I'm like a squirrel hiding a nut--I know it's SOMEWHERE over here!! ^_^

When I was little I had some strange ordering rituals as well. For example, when I went into the craft store I would pick up EVERY single little punched-out hole on the floor and collect them. I can't stand pictures hanging crooked on the wall, and I often "hover" over Ma when she's typing or touching up photos to offer my "advice." At other times I mess with store displays to make them just right. Hm, I should probably try to get a job doing that. :) I'm thinking of the skit with Mr. Bean playing with the Nativity set. One of my favorites!! *LMAO*

Hoarding: Probably one of my biggest problems. This whole house is a mess; I think I actually get my OCD from my parents, since they both seem to hoard too. I collect mainly books, magazines, and loose papers; for a long time I collected TV Guides and even if I didn't look at them I couldn't get rid of them--who knew if I may have missed something interesting? I broke that habit, but I still collect Entertainment Weekly (I've tried clipping interesting parts and tossing the rest), National Geographics (I never get the chance to read those!! *sob*), Writer's Digests (yes, I WOULD read those, if I had the time <: ) ), and various other books that are of interest. I have whole shelves full that I'm not willing to toss. I keep trying to clean my room, to no avail. Our entire upstairs is LOADED with our junk. Probably a fire hazard, too...

Thinking Ritualizing: Another biggie! Here's a lame one I used to have when I was little. Dad would say "Goodnight" to me in a different way each night--"Goodnight, Rachie-poo," etc. And I HAD to write it down on a slip of paper on the bedside table so I didn't forget how he'd said goodnight. Very odd. He'd also have different honking patterns when he drove by my window to work in the morning, and I'd have to repeat the honks and write the pattern down or I'd cry if I forgot it. I can't think of why, it's like I feared he would never come back if I didn't somehow do these just right. Another one involved me not being able to go to sleep until he had gone to bed, and then had turned his light off, so sometimes I would lie in bed for over a half hour just waiting--his light would go off, I'd whisper, "Goodnight, Dad," and then lay my head down. I'm glad I got rid of that one...

My prayers are little more than detailed rituals seemingly with lots of words but little meaning; I parrot them repeatedly every night. I used to cry when I couldn't remember my prayers, I was so tired. I've already mentioned some of my repeating rituals which are tied in to this. Have to get things just perfect. And I have to pray about the STUPIDEST things just so I don't worry. My prayers literally cover all contingencies. My mind fails to think of any more concrete examples, I must still be tired. ;)

Worrying: Yep, yep, yep...anyone who knows me knows this one all too well...I worry that things will be good, I worry that they will be bad, I worry if I'm in control, I worry that I can't control things...the cable goes out while I'm recording and I act like it's a conspiracy...I ask Ma when she'll be home and she says, "I don't know," and I almost scream with frustration, then when she gives an estimate and isn't home within that timeframe I get mad...I don't think I need to go into further detail. ^_^

Pure Obsessions: The obsessing without the compulsions. I have that as well, though I often add a prayer at the end to make sure things end up all right. This is where "visions" come in, I believe. For example--my parents are late coming home, I envision them dead in the ditch. At the moment Ma's complaining about the coffee Dad makes her in the morning giving her heartburn or something--"It's like a big ball of HOT right here!" ((pointing to chest)) So she wants to try a different brand. And though I KNOW this could never happen, now I have this sudden obsession of Dad lacing the coffee with arsenic or something!! :( I feel guilty that I'd think of such a thing, but I can't help thinking of it anyway--and worrying about it! Needless to say I'm going to keep an eye on her heartburn...another common obsession is that one or both of them are cheating on the other. <: ( They don't sleep in the same room, due to an argument they had a long time ago, but neither seems like the kind to do something like that. But I worry about it nonetheless. And I HATE it.

Some other obsessions revolve around sex, but I think I'd like to refrain from getting into those...

Well, there are a million more obsessions and compulsions...I can't sit with the seam of my pants/shorts/etc. directly beneath me, I have to toss and turn for ages before my bed is just perfectly comfortable, I have to sleep with certain implements next to the pillow, I need to always have certain things with me, like a book or a pencil, I have to use the same pencil--if I lose it I throw a fit!--I can't eat certain foods like onions, peppers, cooked carrots or celery, etc., etc. etc. etc....my list goes on and on and on.

Welcome to the Weird World of Tehuti. :)

(Now to proofread this message, and to obsess about the million things I left out!!)



I am yesterday; I know tomorrow.

Message #193076, posted on 09-18-01 @ 7:49 am EDT,
by: Tehuti, Lord Of The Eight (20)

Subject: Re: Re: OCP/OCD


I can't believe I forgot to mention my "hair rituals." Ugh. If I could get rid of one compulsion, I think that would be it. I CANNOT stand wearing it down. It has to be in a ponytail. Not only that, but it has to be in a PERFECT ponytail. And of course...I myself can't put it in a perfect ponytail, so someone else has to do it! :( And that someone else often isn't home. Yuck I HATE HAIR!!

I can't stand wearing tight clothes, but I don't know if that's a compulsion, just plain discomfort, or poor self-image...but this hair really bugs me.



I am yesterday; I know tomorrow.