09-12-02 @ 2:51 am EDT

I hope this entry doesn't run too long.

I was okay all day (except in the morning), but now that it's night again and again I'm alone I feel like crying. Two people responded to my post yesterday and one person, one, e-mailed me personally about it. A couple of others stepped in, but they did not even notice me. I guess my own troubles, tiny as they are (I even admitted they were), are simply not important to the majority of the group.

I know it was a lousy day to feel lousy for another reason, but I wasn't the only one. Other people feel lousy at bad times and there are others who are there for them. I even TRY NOT to post in there too often because I don't want to burden people with my whining--hence all the whining in here, where nobody reads it--and the one time I do complain publicly, it's barely noticed! As always I'm just not a part of the group, whether my name really is included on the page or not.

Is it time I just accepted this and backed away? I backed away from there before, and I hated doing it as that was my only support option, but I felt I had no choice. When I sense people don't care to have me around anymore, I feel I should just disappear. I have no way of telling if they really care about me or not. The moment they fall silent or pass me by, even if they have their own reasons, they may as well have stomped all over me. I need a sort of constant reassurance to believe it, and even then, I ALWAYS sit and think, "Yeah, right. They're acting nice NOW. Just wait until when I REALLY need them, and then they won't be here..."

Well, I'm thinking that now. I DID have three people notice me, but I can't count the times I've seen others post and almost everyone offered their support. Including the ones in blue I had really thought cared about me, once...nope, they did not see me. I guess as I've said before, caring is conditional. People don't care for you if you don't care enough back. I've admitted I have troubles replying to everyone's posts, because I hate to sound repetitive. Maybe this is their payback--they won't reply to me because I didn't reply to them.

I WANTED to think they were above that, but I really don't know. 99% of me says I deserved the cold shoulder. While at the same time I'm angry and hurt and disappointed. I do know that there are people just as selfish as myself in the world and they have people to lean on when they need it. I don't.

And I know I won't ever.

I didn't even get an e-mail from Ma like she said she would. :( Part of me was kind of hoping I wouldn't, as what would I reply, but still...that just makes it hurt even more.

One more only semi-related thing while I'm in here. Speaking of "conditional care." In reference to September 11th, responses from some non-Americans:

"I really am sorry this happened; those people didn't deserve to die. But you have to admit it, this never would have happened if the US had minded their own business/kept out of world affairs/fill in a reason of your own/etc.!"

Do you know what, anybody who says this? You may say you care, but you don't. You may say you are sorry, but you're not. When you say "I'm sorry, BUT..." then that's a conditional apology. Once in a while, like when somebody really DID bring something on themselves personally, these are warranted. But when thousands of INNOCENT people who had NOTHING whatsoever to do with what our military/government/who the hell cares is/was/has been doing, then a conditional apology doesn't cut it. It's a hollow comment, completely meaningless except as an insult.

When thousands have died and all somebody can say is, "I'm really sorry they died, BUT this never would have happened IF..." you're not sorry. You're just judging. And you know what they say about those who judge others.

Maybe the US government isn't always the smartest. Maybe the US, as a whole, gets involved in too many matters. Maybe this country or its military or corporations have even backed illegal schemes and led to the deaths of thousands, millions, who knows. BUT I'm willing to bet money that the great majority of those people in those Towers and in those planes and even in that Pentagon had nothing whatsoever to do with that. They had no blood on their hands, no guilt on their conscience. And to say that THEY wouldn't have died if OTHER people hadn't done something is asinine and deserves to be told so.

If you want to chastize the so-called "cocky Americans," then take to task the ones who are REALLY behind whatever atrocities this country has been accused of. And quit blaming those who never brought a single thing upon themselves. It's very easy for people to feel safe and smug in judging entire groups of others, but should somebody ever judge THEM as a group, oh, break out the violins! (How would anyone feel if I addressed this entry to ALL non-Americans? Even those who have offered nothing but unconditional support? Would you have even read this far if I had, or would you already be pissed off? Now you may understand how I, and others like myself, feel to always be accused of sporting what's allegedly the "American mindset." (I have to confess right now, I've never really considered myself "cocky" about my country. Yet based on what some others have said about Americans, you'd think we're all self-righteous bastards.))

Are you so very willing to say, "You know, I'm really very sorry that three-year-old child on that plane died! But that never would have happened if that child hadn't..."? Well, why not? Surely if all the adults on those planes and in those buildings are guilty of things they never did, nor even supported, the children are guilty too? Why not? You do want to go all out, don't you?

People have enough trouble taking responsibility for their own actions, it seems. NOW they have to go the extra mile and hold responsible those who have never done an evil thing in their lives. Fitting.

Happy September, America.

Signed, A Cocky American who has never sent troops into any country, who has never funded illegal missions overseas, who has never led to the killing of thousands of innocent civilians, and who never really plans to, yet is probably being held responsible for it somewhere anyway just because she was born and lives in a particular country