09-07-02 @ 3:12 am EDT

I'm a Libra. The people who know me should know this. I HATE, HATE, HATE strife, especially between people I like. On another community I used to belong to, I often saw groups of people I liked venting against each other, and it just tore me apart inside.

I USED to be the peacemaker, until I was called a "Goddamned peace dove" for doing so. I know the person who called me that was wrong, because he claimed I did it because I wanted to feel superior (superior--me?--the person who thinks all her writing SUCKS?) and to get people on my own side...which I do not. I try not to even have a side most of the time, I'm so wishy-washy. (You've seen, if you've read my journal and such, how I often force myself to sit on the fence.) I was only doing it because I liked and respected BOTH parties, and hated to see them fight.

But I learned my lesson that day. I've tried ever after not to be the peacemaker anymore. I haven't always succeeded...but then again, almost every time I've tried, I've been stung miserably, by both parties.

Face it, warring parties, even those with you as a friend in common, do NOT like being asked to get along. They'll go out of their way to tear you apart if you ask.

I'm actually relieved that that first community I mentioned crashed (I had to leave the other one after I was flamed), because it had come to be just a place of pain for me. Near the end I severed almost all of my ties, even with people I had liked, because I felt they were all using me against the others. I try to take people at face value (call me naive), so rather than sit and agonize over who was just using me and who was really my friend, I quit and gave it all up. The people who mattered have kept in touch with me, albeit intermittently. A few of them even followed me here, though only one I really correspond with. I'm not mad at any of them though; they proved themselves more than once. I can also count them all on the fingers of one hand.

But that wasn't to be the point of this entry. The point I was trying to make, so far, was how the Libra in me shows up. Yah, this is only if you believe in astrology. If you don't, then just view "Libra" as a personality trait espousing peace and order and lack of conflict. Because that's how I truly am.

And then there's that damned Aries Moon of mine.

For those who don't know (and I'm admittedly naive on this too)...Libra and Aries are polar opposites on the zodiac. I. e., they sit directly across from each other. Libra is the peacemaker, halfway through the circle; Aries starts the entire thing, and is rather...well...more emotionally immature than Libra is supposed to be. Aries is the baby of the zodiac--"I want I want I want!"--and it always wants it NOW.

Judging from the descriptions, Libras are supposed to be serene and balanced and pleasant people to be around...is that me?...NOT!

When I discovered my Moon was in Aries it made a lot more sense. The Sun (primary sign) is the total personality, but the Moon is the planet ruling the emotions, how we tend to react to things. Somebody who is a Gemini with a Pisces Moon, e. g., may act like a Gemini, but when confronted with something big, they may react emotionally like a Pisces. (Hence Damien's tendency to get WAY too emotionally involved in certain matters, whereas a true Gemini might just shrug it off and not care!) I may be a Libra and a peacemaker and all, but because of this--OR because of something in my personality, oh say hm, ANGER or something--I most often do NOT react in a calm, rational manner. Maybe this is what's gotten me so despised as the peacemaker. I'm not as good at it as I used to like to think I was. In fact, I think I downright suck at it. My unstable emotions just about ENSURE that even when I want to keep the peace, if I've been upset, then I'm going to end up DISRUPTING that peace.

A case in point is this journal entry, from not that long ago...

You Really DON'T Have To Read, You Know.

NOW...when I wrote that entry...I was thinking to myself how reasonable and levelheaded I was being. I was NOT ranting and raving when I wrote that. I really WAS calm. That's how I write when something has bothered me, yet I've remained calm. If I had been ranting, it would be full of angry emoticons and exclamation marks, bold-marked text, maybe even more capitalized words. Aside from some caps and a bit of bold, that's about it. That's a TAME entry, compared to what I write when I'm REALLY mad.

Yet still, looking at it, I can't help but think of how...PISSY I sound.

I mean, just look at it. It's beyond sarcastic at some points. I go out of my way to make comparisons and examples that don't really need to be made. I could have just gotten away with

Rude notes will be deleted. I will not shut up just for you.

...IF I had had to write any of it at all. It was a random person leaving a note...who cares? Once I deleted the notes, why did I have to make the point again? I said already, it's stated on the journal's main page. If somebody didn't read it, it's their fault, not mine. There will always be snide people in the world, me among them.

Likewise with the person who flamed me on D Is For Damien, telling me I was slandering Satanists and to "give up writing." It was obvious this person had NOT thoroughly checked out the story (what was posted so far didn't even MENTION Satanists!), nor had they even checked out the great majority of my NON-Satanism-related writing. Why bother replying to somebody who makes such hasty judgements? We all know what to think of people like that; we've all survived run-ins with them.

I could easily have just shrugged it all off, smiled peacefully, and moved on. Even after I post a journal entry, that's what I have to do anyway, move on. (Or else, if it REALLY bugged me, bring it up in future entries, while making the impression I've moved on. What can I say, I'm obsessive.)

But I don't do that. Instead I post "witty" entries where I feel I am SO calm and collected...but it turns out the entries are just as snotty and rude as my ranting posts, if not more so.

After posting my "You don't have to read it" entry, the same reader in question came back and posted something along the lines of "I'm sorry. I take back what I said and replace it with 'Wow, I wish I could write as much as you!' I'm really sorry." Well...NOW I'm sitting here wondering, was that a sincere apology? "I wish I could write as much as you!" can be seen as a compliment OR an insult. The latter in particular, as this person first told me I write TOO much. But before now I have made no further mention of this. Lest my entry really HAD hurt this person's feelings. I hadn't meant to be rude or sarcastic when I'd posted it; I thought I was being calm and levelheaded. But whenever I look back at these entries, I can tell I wasn't. Levelheaded people don't even POST entries in response to things like this. They just move on.

Me, since I'm so angry and easily offended, I post entries that I think are calm and witty and then later on...EEGH! Getting apologies from the offending parties is even worse, because then I KNOW I overstepped my bounds and wasn't nearly as calm as I thought I was. It just proves I was still as snotty as ever.

Whenever I'm hurting and feel like posting, it seems I may as well just post a full-out rant, complete with expletives deleted and bold letters and all caps, because it'll be just as "calm" and "reasonable" as my calm and reasonable entries are. I simply CAN'T post calmly and reasonably when I'm hurt and angry. It seems like I'm calm when I'm typing it up, but later on I know it isn't. I can't separate my emotions from my writing.

I blame that stupid Aries Moon. :(

On the other hand, my Taurus Ascendant can be just as much to blame, too.

This entry is for anyone who's ever been the subject of a Tehuti Rant. Whether it was full bore (BOLD PRINT CAPS LOCK EXCLAMATION POINTS ANGRY EMOTICONS >: ( !!!!!), or whether it was one of my so-called "polite" entries (you know what I mean).

If you were the subject of a full-bore rant--you deserved what you got! Nyah! :P

But if you were the subject of a "polite" rant, and it really stung you, I have to apologize for that. I hadn't meant it to...in fact, I had thought it was pretty damn nice when typing it up. It's only AFTERWARDS that I can ever see the effect of my words. If I could write without emotion, I wouldn't have this problem. But it's apparent I can't. And experience has shown that neither will I shut up when angry, or refrain from posting. It is still my journal, still my place to get it off my chest if it really bothered me. Honestly, this journal is the only place I have where I can do that. I really don't have friends sitting around who I can call up and rant to.

So if I ever treat you, reader, personally, to a polite rant, take it as a sign that there may have been a miscommunication somewhere--something you said or did hurt/offended me, but I'm not meaning to hurt/offend you in turn. I was just...hurt and offended, and couldn't type up something levelheaded and reasonable to let it out. And so I skewered you alive.

Sorry for that. Blame my Moon.

(I sincerely hope I don't read this entry later on and cringe at how snotty I sounded! :/ )

Tar...