10-09-02 @ 10:52 am EDT

Well, another birthday come and gone and still the same as ever...I should say that at the very least both of my parents got the date right this year (Ma usually gets it wrong), but it was even lesser than last year. Granted, Ma said she would help fund my upgrade, which I should be grateful for, considering we really can't even afford it. Dad got me...flashlights? Well, they're useful, and I won't knock a gift...but I still have to wonder what prompted that.

And a few people in ACL wished me happy birthday, which is usually much more than I get.

But on the other hand I guess I'm selfish and expect too much. :( I kind of would have liked a cake...usually my parents will at least try to pass off a box of chocolates or something. Not this year... I would have REALLY liked to go out to eat, but Ma was busy...more on that in the next paragraph. Every year I get a card from both grandmothers...but this year, neither one of them sent one. :( Are they finally mad at me because I don't visit very often? (The honest truth as for why I don't visit my mom's mom is because they have poison ivy there, AND because it's always just so crowded with family that I hate it--I HATE it. It's like I become agoraphobic when I'm there, and everybody overlooks me. I can't even ask to leave without getting my head bitten off. But that's another story.)

What hurt the most of it all, though, was that Ma worked late that night. She didn't go to the casino...but she worked late. On what? Embroidering burp rags for my sister-in-law's baby shower! I feel cheated. I'm sorry, but I do. It was MY birthday, and...she was embroidering BURP RAGS for somebody ELSE'S upcoming birthday. I don't even see the point of burp rags, much less embroidering them. Isn't that a waste? The baby is just going to vomit all over them! Still, she spent all night there, so that's how my birthday was spent.

There wasn't even a Cold Case Files to distract me on A&E.

And even with the people who did wish me happy birthday here, I still can't help but think of the OTHER people who have had birthdays recently...they all got specialized forums filled with birthday wishes from hundreds of members. I went and signed them, in the stupid hopes the favor would be returned...that was selfish of me. Why did I expect somebody to do THAT for me? My presence is not nearly grand enough on this site to warrant it. And even in ACL, many people who have posted happy birthday to others before were conspicuously absent. I received birthday wishes in my inbox from four people that I can remember. I guess I deserve the relative silence I got, considering I don't care much about others' birthdays. But it still gets to me.

I KNOW I should be grateful I got this much. I AM grateful that I was at least remembered, when last year I didn't even get that. But...it just seems that my birthday grows more and more disappointing every year, and in addition, every year it's just a reminder that I'm still sitting here, another year past with nothing accomplished. I am now over a quarter of a century old, and have done nothing with my life. I don't see this changing in the coming year.

I know a dumb birthday is no reason to ask for more than what you already get, and much more than what you certainly deserve. But it seems that everyone else has a special birthday...I would just rather mine didn't exist. People would still go on not remembering or caring about it, but at least I wouldn't have to be reminded that it's been yet another year of nothing, with another on the way.

I'm sorry I'm such an ingrate. I know it's true.

I'm currently saving archival vintage photos of the island to disk...and wishing I were not stuck in my writing. At least when I'm writing, I'm important in that world, and I'm happy.