10-10-02 @ 1:17 pm EDT

After posting yesterday's entry I sat and first cried, then bawled. Do you know what over? Mackinac Island. I sat here and cried over Mackinac Island.

I'm not even sure I have it figured out yet. I just feel as if I desperately miss the place now. Like every time I'm there isn't enough, like I want to literally spend every waking moment there. I desperately DO want to show it off to people who care, who won't just roll their eyes and say, "Okay, MOVING ON!" when I babble about the legends behind the place. It's almost like I want to just slip away there and live out some fantasy. I know it's just an island, but I don't get it...it's like ever since I started writing my serial, it's become more than that. I know I'll always be disappointed with it, as it's not the same as Manitou Island. Yet it's the closest anything in my real world will ever come to my fantasies. And I missed it so much yesterday as I looked at the old pictures of it. I miss it now, too.

I really have no idea how to resolve this issue. I wish I knew how to lucid dream, for if I could, I would spend every sleeping moment there, instead. Perhaps I should be happy that I at least have a fantasy place I can really escape to, once in a while, unlike the majority of people. I still feel dreadfully ordinary and alone here, though.

*sigh*

I just sat here and spent an hour, an hour and a half, finishing

ID: 537556 (Rated: PG-13)
Title: Part 93: Atonement
Description: The fight is out of Charmian's hands as Moon Wolf steps forward...
By: Tehuti, Lord Of The Eight

And then I looked at how much I had added and...eight kilobytes? That's ALL? It felt like a ton more than that. I was sure it would top 30kb, but it's only about 26. Man. It must have been much harder to write than I thought. I was crying throughout that, too. I'm such a sap. People shouldn't cry over their own writing. It makes them seem bigheaded. Yet I cried over that, and over

ID: 183200 (Rated: PG-13)
Title: Part 25: A Demon Lost
Description: Charmian has a heart-to-heart with a lost, frightened Tal Natha...
By: Tehuti, Lord Of The Eight

and over

ID: 450247 (Rated: PG-13)
Title: Part 84: Shadow Rising
Description: Charmian demands an answer of Shadow Water--who gives her more than just that...
By: Tehuti, Lord Of The Eight

before that second one was even written. (The execution didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, *sigh.* I felt Shadow Water's anguish much, much more poignantly before I ever wrote that piece, and it just didn't show in the writing.)

That doesn't mean any of them are any good, just that I got so into the characters' emotions that I started bawling. How stupid. I bet nobody else cries at my writing.

Anyway, I haven't proofread it yet, but I have to get to bed now so that will have to wait.

I'm a bit depressed that 1. I can't enter a fantasy contest because the story I would like to enter is about 1000 words over the limit, and 2. the person running the contest appreciates me as a reviewer, but I'm not on their list of favorite or respected writers...I wish they would check out my work and at least see if I deserve to be on there or not. I kind of wish I could be on there at the very least as a respected reviewer. I'm so tired of people saying they appreciate me, but when they give their public thanks I'm never included. It's like they're either ashamed of mentioning me or they just plain forget. *sigh*

But I didn't want to turn this into a bunch of blithering. Sorry about that. Thanks to the person who rated this clunky journal and all those other items, even though I may have to delete some of those folders in the near future. :(

I have pictures of the chipmunk my dad has turned into his office pet, him petting it as it feeds...and of a cute little badger hiding behind a broom in a cabin as if nobody can see it...but I don't feel I should upload them here because of my limit. If you want to see them just ask and perhaps I can post them at Yahoo! or something. The badger is really cute. He looks like a furry troll with warpaint.

Have to go now...and I really wish I could dream of the island for a change...the one distinct dream I had about it, long ago, I ended up getting left there overnight and even the DOG that was with me abandoned me!:

Dinosaur World & Alone In The Dark

I really need to update that journal sometime.

Tar for now...