10-21-02 @ 1:29 pm EDT

I think I've identified one reason why I'm feeling like this and crying. Someone I got back in touch with pointed me out to a message board where some others I used to know had gathered and formed a community. It's been there for at least a few months, but I've never even heard of it. I went to check it out and browsed a bit...it looked nice, though busy...and I would have posted to say hi, but there were some pretty strict rules in place. Meaning I had to be recommended by someone, and the person who'd sent me there hadn't recommended me, had just sent the link.

Still I browsed and hung out so my name was on the users list and hoped the members there would see me and e-mail me asking if I wanted to join. I didn't want to break their rules. I was there most of the night with members coming and going but I've gotten no new e-mails all night.

The user who suggested the link must not have come online yet to check their mail, as I sent a message earlier saying the place looked nice but I needed to be recommended by another member to join. Then they put you to a poll or something, and issue you limited access...I understand the reasoning but I feel like I'm not trusted. This is BEYOND stupid, as I know all the members have had to go through it, no matter how well they were known...but still...I just felt like nobody trusted me. (This place was around quite a while---two of the members there are people I referred here--and I was never told about it...) And none of them sent an e-mail to ask me in.

So I spent all night staring at this board and checking my e-mail and hoping and feeling awful. I know this is stupid, but it's how I'm feeling right now.

This just got worse when suddenly the board was restricted from public access, so now I can no longer even view it. I checked the profiles of the users in my history, and I can tell they've been talking about me...so the discussion must have started AFTER access was restricted. All I know is my name came up and some people replied. And I don't even know what was said about me. All I know is they DID see me there, and...they then blocked access, and didn't ask me in.

:*(

I say once more I KNOW I'm being irrational here, but this coupled with how I already felt is making me feel worse. Why am I letting it bother me so much? I most likely wouldn't have fit in there anyway. They're just using their own security measures to keep the place safe from jerks like I've had to deal with. Why do I expect them to treat me any differently, like I'm special? The rules SAID they'd have to issue you a pass to view the place, I shouldn't have been able to view it at all. No idea why I could.

But what's truly bothering me is...they saw I was there. They discussed me. My e-mail address is on my profile. And only after they had seen me browsing, did they block the site. Why haven't any of them asked me in?

I'll probably feel incredibly stupid having posted this later on, especially since the person who pointed me out to the place will see it...apologies for when you do, maybe it's just that time of the month coming up. But I feel like such a speck of dirt. Like the world distrusts me and I'm not good enough to even know what's being said about me. I KNOW this is not the case...but it's just how I keep feeling. When I'm like this, I can't even convince myself to be rational. I just feel awful.

And I'm still sitting here hoping an e-mail will come or something. I wish I had a life, or at least knew how to get over dumb things like this. It's just a message board, for God's sake. If I WEREN'T being denied access, I probably wouldn't care less.

If any of those members ever somehow see this entry, I apologize. I wish I could stop feeling like this.