10-23-02 @ 11:30 am EDT

I finally got tired of waiting for anyone to respond to me, re: the message board. I've gotten absolutely no e-mails about it yet. So I applied for membership. That was humiliating. But that was the least of it.

A few hours after doing that, I wondered if I had to have been logged in when applying, because otherwise how would the owner know who had applied? I had THOUGHT I was logged in, but the site seems to log you out whenever you so much as leave it. So I went to log in and then apply again, which would be DOUBLY humiliating. It would be like saying, "Hey, I messed it up the first time! Watch me do it again!"

Only as soon as I logged in, I found I could view the board again! Had it just been a bad cookie that had made me think I'd been blocked out? All that worrying, for nothing?

I went in to view the messages that had been posted about me, that had caused me so much anxiety. And...they were welcome messages from the other members. "Glad to see you, Tehuti!"

The last one was along the lines of, "I'm afraid she was only here in spirit. She didn't post anything. :( "

I didn't post, because I COULDN'T.

So with my hands literally shaking over how stupid I'd been, I typed up an explanatory message along with my hello. Was I allowed to post there after all? I'd had no idea. I let them know so.

Then I copied my message just in case, and clicked back just to view the messages to me again before posting...a compulsive habit of mine. I hadn't thoroughly read them, and I wanted to make certain I hadn't missed anything important.

And...I got nothing but the page telling me I needed to apply for approval.

Same screen everywhere I clicked, even when I clicked refresh. I tried logging in two different ways...same "You must apply for membership" screen.

I was blocked out yet again.

Frustrated and crying by now, I went to e-mail one of the group members I knew, both on another site and at her given e-mail address. I explained my situation, gave her the copy of my intended message I'd never even gotten to post, and asked to know if I was allowed in or not. If not, I would just gracefully exit with no harm done. I just had to know for sure, was all. So I could stop WORRYING about it.

The first e-mail, to her given e-mail address, bounced back as undeliverable. "Mailbox unavailable."

As for the second e-mail, she logged off of the site right after I sent it from the looks of it.

I HATE asking people for help, and when I do, it always seems to blow up in my face. Whenever I think I can't look ANY stupider...I'm proven wrong.

As much as I want to visit and post to that board, I'm thinking now it would have been best if I just hadn't been given the link, for all the anxiety it's causing me. I feel like the stupidest, most moronic, unluckiest, STUPIDEST AGAIN speck on Earth.