11-09-02 @ 6:27 am EST

Well, my journal was finally reviewed. 95/100. Not nearly as bad as I'd expected, but I kind of wish they'd read some of my more recent entries or else some from my favorites list; I get the feeling that only the earlier entries were read, and most of those were pretty sucky. The general impression they seemed to get of me is that I'm an anxious whiner. I know that I am, but I liked to think there was a BIT more to me...hence my list of best entries...but I don't know. I'd also hoped they'd like my journal and come back but it doesn't look like it so *sigh*

I just finished listening to Kenny Rogers's The Gambler album again. Every time I listen to that I bawl my eyes out. A few of the songs on it are upbeat and cheerful, but the rest are sad. I remember "She Believes In Me" always made me sob when I was little. I went without listening to it for years because our eight-track stereo didn't work anymore. Then a year or so back I got it on cassette, and it still makes me sob. Here's a rundown of the songs and the general meaning I can get from them (I may be wrong on a few points/words as I don't know all the lyrics, since they're not available online).

"The Gambler": You've probably heard this one. The song about the two men on the train and the gambler teaches the other man all the rules of the game before dying in his sleep. Know how to hold them, know how to fold them, etc. Upbeat song.

"I Wish That I Could Hurt That Way Again": A man lamenting a lost love. Turns out their relationship was pretty stormy.

I'd love to hear you tell me you don't need me anymore,
Just like you used to tell me every day;
I'd love to see you leaving, like the hundred times before;
At least my eyes could see you walk away.

From the sound of it, the relationship is finally over; but he loved her so much, even the pain of dealing with her is better than the pain of being without her. Sad song.

"King Of Oak Street": A man cheats on his wife and ends up leaving home. "A crying woman he left standing in his door, with a two-month-old baby in her arms..." He spends his time wandering around town pondering his actions; he tries calling his wife, but every time she hangs up on him. Finally, he ends up in a phone booth, praying; he deposits his last dime and prays that she'll at least pick up the phone.

Then the sweetest voice he's ever heard says, "Hello;
"Breakfast's almost ready, baby, come on home.
"I've thought the whole thing over, and I think I understand
"That the King of Oak Street is just an ordinary man."

Sad song, definitely, but at least a happy ending...

"Making Music For Money": The unnamed singer is told that he has to become more commercial in order to become popular with the masses. Screw that, he says: "I know that it may sound funny--but money don't mean nothin' to me." He makes his music for himself and for his fans. Upbeat song.

"The Hoodooin' Of Miss Fannie Deberry": Very strange story-song. It begins with the narrator asking his dad about a "crazy woman" who wanders around their area. His father proceeds to spin a bizarre story about how the girl is the daughter of a voodoo queen who, on her deathbed, commanded, "Take care of Fannie till the Devil comes!" Fannie, as a girl, would wander off into the woods every night, and always came home crying.

But then one night she came home laughing,
Talking out of her head;
She said, "Now I ain't gotta worry 'bout dyin', Pop;
"I've been sleepin' in the Devil's bed!"

The listener is finally warned to keep away from Fannie if they ever see her; or they could end up hoodooed, too! Upbeat song.

"She Believes In Me": You've probably heard this one too. About a down-and-out singer trying to come up with the perfect song that will "change the world," and his lack of success doing this; still, his girlfriend/wife believes in him. He sits and plays his guitar to himself while she cries, but he knows she'll never give up on him.

And she believes in me;
I'll never know just what she sees in me.
I told her someday, if she was my girl,
I could change the world
With my little song;
I was wrong...

Sad song, but at least it gives room for hope...

"Tennessee Bottle": Odd song, kind of hard to summarize. Basically it's about a man who constantly gets in trouble with the law; he lives on his own, keeps away from everybody, and insists that crime does pay, BUT he also has second thoughts about his past actions--"Sometimes wish that I had a son, just to teach him not to (break the law)"--and considers starting afresh.

Think I might move to Little Rock,
Leave my doors without a lock;
I might be a foot without a sock,
But I got cash to stand on.

Upbeat song, such as it is.

"Sleep Tight, Good Night Man": A lullabye, if you ask me. The singer sings a song for somebody who is crying and having trouble sleeping. Even the Sandman has given up on this person, so he sings his song in the hopes it'll work.

And you'll have sweet dreams that will last all night,
An easy feeling in the morning light;
Drift away with the touch of a hand
From the Sleep Tight, Good Night Man.

Sad-sounding song, though it does have a hopeful message.

"A Little More Like Me (The Crucifixion)": A song I never understood as a child, but I do now. A group of men go to the theater and to the bar, and come across a man they know only in passing:

He was a little weird, and we all feared
He wasn't one of us;
He didn't drink, he didn't smoke,
And he didn't even cuss.
You'd see him now and then, with a bunch of men,
Hanging around the scene,
And I'm sure I would have liked him more
If he were a little more like me.

The next day, he awakens with a hangover and feels ashamed, "When I heard what they had done to him, the stranger I had known..." You can tell from the lyrics who this "stranger" is supposed to be, and what has become of him. Sad song.

"San Francisco Mabel Joy": Probably one of the saddest songs on the album. A Georgia farmboy hops the train to California and ends up in LA. He meets a prostitute (I assume) named San Francisco's Mabel Joy, and she teaches him the ways of the place. When he returns to her, he ends up in trouble with the law and does time in prison; on his release, he seeks out Mabel Joy. He comes to her house, but is told that she's no longer there--turns out she left four years ago, looking for "some Georgia farmboy." And the song ends...I was in tears when I finished the tape yet again. I wish there were a sequel to this song.

Well...I can't think of much else to write. I've been feeling kind of low and phobic lately. I feel as if I've hurt a lot of people; I still can't and won't take back a word of anything I've said, but I do feel I may have SAID them in the wrong way. And perhaps I said them all at the wrong time. I also feel somebody else I liked may not think too much of me or my writing, and while they may be wrong OR right, I feel ashamed that I could like their writing yet my writing might not be good enough for them to like; I always feel ashamed when somebody whose work I like or respect doesn't like my work in return, as if I'm not worth them talking to me. So I have the feeling a lot of people hate me right now...and that's why I've been kind of quiet. So I'll be going...