11-10-02 @ 12:22 pm EST

I'm starting to think I will not be able to buy a premium upgrade for the rest of my items. The past few weeks a few times Ma has asked to borrow some money, and each time I've given it to her; but she hasn't paid any back, and when she asked for some today, I didn't have any left. I feel so ashamed. I'm not mad at her, even though she may have only needed it for bingo or something; I'm mad at me because I should be making money so she doesn't have to ask for any. She only remembers asking for some once, but I remember at least two or three times, and I thought she would pay me back, but she hasn't and now I have none. She had told me she would buy the upgrade for my birthday, but that hasn't happened yet; I had planned on paying for at least half of it anyway...now how can I do that?

Like I said I'm not mad at her...because it's likely she can't even pay it back. Most of it probably went to bills. I'm literally giving away my money so we can pay bills.

The Internet bill is due tomorrow, and it's likely there isn't any money to pay it; likewise the phone bill is due, so if I'm not here in the next few days, well, you know where I am. I'm not even angry about these things anymore. I'm just ashamed. Ashamed that every month something is paid late or not at all; ashamed that there is a week or two of feeling relieved that there are no messages left on the answering machine from bill collectors, yet soon there will be, and soon things will start getting shut off or revoked. I know that I am the reason this is so.

Somebody I know is in an even worse state than I am right now, and reading about his problems just made me feel worse. Mine are very trivial compared to his because he risks losing his home. But I know the feeling and I'm feeling it now; it's what I feel every month, and I'm so tired of it, and ashamed that I'm the cause.

And I don't even have the money to let Ma borrow it or to pay for my upgrade when I'll need it...so I'm not sure what to think. I guess I'll have to worry about my upgrade when that time comes, and right now I'll worry about the next bill, because that's closer in the future and is much more important.

Well, I'm going to go update my MI website in case I won't be back here tomorrow, so readers who aren't onsite will know where to find it...bye for now.