11-30-02 @ 12:43 pm EST

The parts of ourselves that it hurts just to face, are those parts of our Shadows?

I'm trying to write a letter right now, to somebody I snapped at. I felt abandoned again, but it's pretty clear that it was my own fault. My fears have been verified, even though I always knew they were true. I sabotage possible friendships before they can get too far, so I won't be hurt. I sacrifice closeness for security, even if security is the loneliest feeling ever. In my world...loneliness IS the only security.

So what does one do when they're desperate for interaction?

I'm trying to admit here, that I test people, push them, until they have no choice but to snap at me. And then I sit and gloat that of COURSE I was right, do you see?--EVERYBODY abandons me! Because there went another one! Somebody who said they cared, then when things got tough, they bailed out. It always happens.

But I've always known, on some level, and not an unconscious one, that I was the one who pushed first, who abandoned THEM before they could abandon ME. How long would YOU put up with somebody who refuses to ever trust you?

I know that it's a defensive measure. I really HAVE been hurt by people in the past, and I'm pretty sure--at least I hope--that I never pushed them. At least not knowingly. They left me first, and I hurt so much. And so now I know no other way to deal with people who claim to be friendly. I KNOW they will leave, whether I push them away or welcome them, so I push them away first. I'm not doing this willingly, and I'm not doing it unconsciously. I fully know what I'm doing...but I don't WANT to do it. I just feel like I have no choice. I feel that in order to protect myself from hurt, I have to hurt others first. Even if they've never done a single thing to me, even if I feel they could truly be a friend, if I would only trust them.

And as I'm sitting here typing this up, I feel so horrible and ashamed of myself, that I'm crying over it. This, over a simple letter. I hate that I can be so hurtful, when this is what I hate so much in others. I hate when people can't trust me, because I know, that I am one of the most trustworthy people you can find. I'm not always reliable...but I'm trustworthy. You may not believe me...but if you gave me your password, you could trust me with it. I would not do a thing with the information. If you told me your phone number or address, I would not do a thing with the info; I would not send you weird mail, I would not stalk you, I would not tell it to anyone else. I like to think that if you told me your secrets, unless I knew that they threatened your life, I would make sure to keep them safe.

But heaven forbid I should trust anyone else. It's insulting to not be trusted, and I insult everyone I know.

I hate when people bail out on me. Yet I bail out on them all the time, and I just know I'll continue to do so, as I have no idea what else to do. It's just so ingrained in me now. I WANT so badly to believe everyone's promises, and I do eventually, in a superficial way, but the whole time, I still distrust people. I literally CAN'T trust anymore. I think I forgot how. If I ever really knew how.

Trust I see as the greatest measure of a person. When you look at it, every single crime is a betrayal of trust. Trust is more important than happiness, than pleasure, than love. You can't HAVE happiness or pleasure or love without trust, and still have any meaning attached to it.

I want trust from everyone, but I just can't seem to give it. I resent it when people don't trust me and aren't there for me, but I can't seem to be the kind of person I want others to be for me.

I don't mean to hold myself to a different standard, but I seem to anyway. Even as I type this, there's a part of me harping that it IS everyone else's fault, I have nothing or little to do with the way I feel, everyone else is responsible for hurting me. I can't shut that part of me up. I'll be truthful. Part of me DOES still believe that some things are others' fault, when they probably aren't. I admit it.

But admitting all of this isn't making me feel any better...I've read over and over that facing up to the things in ourselves that we hate the most, that we hate in others and refuse to see in ourselves, helps us deal with them, helps us overcome them. So how come I feel so awful? How come nothing seems easier or any closer to a resolution? I really never feel like I'll be any different from the way I am now.

I think maybe I read too much on things and oversimplify them. Whenever I read about the Shadow it seems so simple and meaningful. Yet if that's what I'm facing right now, it still makes as little sense as ever. It's still there, and it's still something I don't want to face.