12-20-02 @ 11:25 am EST

I thought I cleared things up with my last letter. She said she understood me and that I should trust her. I told her that that was the exact same thing HE had said...that I didn't think I could trust her...but that I wanted to. So badly.

That was over a month ago.

She's been online here editing things and posting things at least four times since then. She hasn't replied to my letter.

I wanted to trust her. I wanted her to give me a reason to trust her. I wanted her to be the one person who was different from the rest, who MEANT what she said. At times when I'm feeling the way I am now, I feel like she is the only one who could possibly understand. But she won't reply to me. Why did she tell me I could trust her? Either she likes me or she hates me. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was busy for the holidays. But she's not even Christian, and she's been onsite, and active, at least four times, the last time around ten this morning.

Why hasn't she at least told me she's busy? Why can't she at least tell me she hates me and I may as well not wait for a letter? At least then I would no longer have to agonize over it every time I see her name and my empty inbox.

The worst thing is that I will never have closure. I already wrote to her once to try to clear it up, and she replied then, and I thought MAYBE there was a chance. I used up my chance. She hasn't replied. I have no chances left. She has left me hanging, and I'll never know for certain why she hates me when she said she didn't.

I wanted to be friends.

I'm crying but it never matters. I believe in all the wrong people.