12-20-02 @ 8:18 am EST

PLEASE READ THIS ONE WITH CAUTION OR DON'T READ AT ALL. I've just realized something awful about myself and I'd rather you not read if you want to continue thinking of me as a good person. If you read this, you'll probably not think that anymore, and I wouldn't blame you.


This is the last straw. I'm thoroughly sick of myself and of the Internet too. I know that most of this is my fault but I'm just so angry and humiliated now. Things never used to be like this.

For the THIRD time in the SAME month, I have broken rules on a website, when before, I was the one who would never break the rules at all. I'm always so careful not to; I HATE when I upset anybody, so I try to play carefully. But December 2002 is just my f**k-up month, I guess. Because it's happened for the THIRD time.

What happened? Why? And whose fault was it in each case? These are just my opinions, so don't take everything, except my descriptions of what happened, as fact.

Number One: I replied to a post on Stories.com by a deleted user. I tried helping them out because I assumed they had been deleted accidentally, even though they had broken the rules; I just figured they hadn't read the TOS carefully enough. (And if you keep reading this you'll see that that DOES happen!) They were deleted again and I was told to not reply in like manner again because they were a troublemaker. Not so much was said, but I got the feeling I had pissed off the webmaster by insinuating he should clear the situation up, when I didn't really say that. Though knowing me it could probably have LOOKED like I said that. I'm ready to blame myself for everything now, so why not this too. I also got the feeling I was supposed to know this beforehand, but I really don't know how.

Why did this happen? Because I assumed the best of somebody I apparently shouldn't have assumed the best of. I've seen others do it on this site, and they didn't seem to get rebuked for it, but I can't know what goes on behind the scenes; maybe they did. I've been told not to assume somebody is guilty until it's proven, so that's what I did; I was wrong. I had no way of knowing this. Unless the rules have changed and I am supposed to suspect everybody now.

Whose fault was it? At least partly mine, for assuming incorrectly. Perhaps there is a rule around here that says you are not supposed to advise deleted members; if so I didn't know about it. If it was common sense, I'm sorry; I didn't possess it. However, I feel it was not ENTIRELY my fault for making an honest mistake. I asked around about this a bit and general consensus seems to agree; I won't go into detail. Basically I feel I was treated somewhat harshly for just trying to help somebody, and I likewise feel my intent was misunderstood. Nothing can be done about it now though. I hadn't even intended to bring this up yet again, but it goes in context, I guess.

Number Two: At FFN, long ago I posted an item that was NOT a fictional story (it was a character profile), fully knowing this was against stated site rules. Still, I'd seen similar infractions of the rules, and this item, plus two others, were posted for months, both without notice, and without incident. Immediately following my incident here (Stories.com), I found that the profile had been deleted, and my account uploading blocked for the period of a week. This was a "first warning." I accordingly went and deleted my other two items which also broke this rule.

Why did this happen? Because I broke a rule, plain and simple, believing that it was of little concern and I wouldn't be caught. (And I wasn't, not for months. Even READERS didn't notice said items.)

Whose fault was it? Completely mine. I just wish they could be a bit more consistent in applying their punishments, and I wish their "first-strike" punishment was a bit less severe. They could state what it is on their rules page. They don't have any obligaton to do this, though, I know. I just think it would be more incentive for people like me to not break the rules.

And lastly and most embarrassing,

Number Three: At a journal site I JUST joined, I saw that on the main page it was supposed to be for ADULTS ONLY. It said that you could post ANYTHING in your journal without limits. Well, I guess I didn't read the TOS properly, for I joined and posted an introduction; a few people responded favorably, and I was flattered to even be noticed. They claimed to want to read my "Ameni Chronicles," which was why I had joined, to post those; aside from this site (Stories.com), and I have to wonder how much longer THEY will allow it, I know of no other sites that allow the posting of such material. (Some chapters contain nonconsensual and underage situations. There, I said it. Hate me.) So I posted the first part about a week ago...no replies. Go figure. I posted the second part yesterday, which features an underage character. I state: I DO NOT CONDONE THIS. It's just that the series is set in a time and culture where this was normal. (In ancient times, do you really think they waited until 18 to marry and have kids? When they only lived until about age 30?) You can even see that the main character himself is against this. I make no excuses for the illegality of the scene, and I don't defend it but to say that it's fiction and again, by no means am I advocating it. If I could fix the storyline to omit such characters, I think I would since it's the last taboo that nobody wants to read about. (And that even includes me. Amazon.com sells a book by NAMBLA...I think it should be taken off the lists. That, however, is NONFICTION, which I see as a fundamental difference. Apparently most people don't see this difference.)

A little bit ago I logged onto the site to find only ONE reply to my latest post...by the webmaster. And a private message telling me I had broken the TOS. I was too humiliated to read the entire message, but I do remember something along the lines of "There are sickos out there on the Internet looking for such things as this..." I think the journal was also made invisible to other members, since it didn't show up on the main page when I updated it. That's just great, because now the two people who for whatever reason added it to their faves will not be able to see why I left. I deleted the offensive entry, apologized publicly (though who can see it, now!), stated my reason for leaving and said I would no longer update the journal (as by omitting the offensive chapters of the story, it ruins the plot, so why continue?), and left my e-mail address. End of story. The thing is, I don't think anybody can view my apology, which is what TRULY makes me angry out of all of this. Why didn't the guy just delete my whole damn journal if that's what he's going to do? It'd serve the same purpose, and free up space.

Why did this happen? Because I took the info on the site's main page at its word, and apparently didn't read the TOS thoroughly. I don't know how I missed that, but I did.

Whose fault was it? It is my fault for not reading the rules carefully enough...BUT, I don't think I would have browsed them so casually...IF IT DIDN'T SAY "ANYTHING GOES" ON THE MAIN PAGE! When I read the words, "You can post ANYTHING you want here, no censoring," I THOUGHT that was what it meant. I thought it meant I could post fiction, albeit with a strict disclaimer, without being censored. Well, I was wrong, so I apologized and deleted the post; BUT I don't think this would have happened if they didn't have that misleading info on their main page. I WASTED my time bothering to sign up there, start a journal, start a forum, reply to posts, post my story, only to have to REMOVE part of it and apologize YET AGAIN, being thoroughly humiliated for the THIRD TIME THIS MONTH in the process. Because somebody put a false statement on the main page. If you say ANYTHING GOES, NO CENSORING, that should be exactly what you mean. As long as it's clearly stated it's fiction.

I understand completely why nonfiction things such as death threats, terrorist threats, underage things, libel, and the like are not allowed; but fiction? I was LED to believe there was a difference that I now guess there is not. If I write fiction with this theme, I guess I am as sick as the NAMBLA people who advocate it!

So in this case, I lay most of the blame on THEM. I'm guilty to varying degrees in all of these, but I'm just so damned sick and tired of vague TOS and misleading advertising and of being rebuked over simple mistakes and punished as if I've committed some kind of terrorist act. I likely deserved all these punishments. But I will be DAMNED if I'm just going to brush it all off. Somebody has messed up big time lately. I don't know why it's me. I never used to mess up so much; why all of a sudden am I pissing everybody off NOW? This wasn't just December, this was the past TWO WEEKS. What the hell is wrong with me that I keep screwing everything up? Who will I piss off next?

At the moment I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I feel I should just stop posting ANYTHING ANYWHERE. (Even Manitou Island has its taboo themes! They're just not stated so directly!) And my "Ameni Chronicles" website that I put up, just because there are NO websites that will allow such material...I wonder if I should just delete it all and say screw it. I know the story has illegal material in it; but people told me I wasn't a pervert or a criminal for writing that. Apparently, according to rules everywhere, though, I am. For a BRIEF moment, I had a BIT Of pride in that series, NOT because of the illegal material, but because I thought maybe I could actually write on this subject area. No more; my latest such story (COMPLETELY legal!) has not been R&Red once, and only one person has been reading the "Chronicles" at all. And at every turn I get told they're illegal, and it's hinted that I'm sick for writing them. I can't help it that the plot came out the way it did; it just did. SO I'M SICK! Why doesn't somebody just SAY so and stop beating around the bush?

And so now in the space of two weeks, I've come to learn that I am useless, not good at helping others, not WELCOME to help others, gullible, stupid, a troublemaker, an idiot, a rulebreaker, a pervert, a sicko, ignorant, potentially illegal, and most likely a bad writer as well. Sadly enough it's that last batch of words that hurts me the most.

I went for years keeping this material to myself; when I finally shared it under my regular name, and people told me I was okay, I was so relieved, and began to feel proud of myself. I WAS SO STUPID! Lately nobody notices it, and those who do, punish me for it. Am I a bad person for writing it? I was told I wasn't, but I'm now led to believe otherwise. Maybe that priest who refused to baptize me because I'd "turn out bad" was right after all, if this is the sort of crap I write, and for a moment dare to feel proud of. Why do I spew out this filth so consistently?

I was SO stupid. There is no place that will allow me to post that junk, so why do I feel upset about it? I'm obviously sick for writing it and wanting to share it. I SHOULD be ashamed.

I just wish to hell I hadn't been led to believe I might be good at it. I was actually going to agree to the request to fill out an interview for the Erotica newsletter. STUPID! I don't belong in there. I'm just a trash writer with a sick mind. Nobody would like to see my junk littering that page.

I meant to post a happy entry responding to some notes I got elsewhere, but I don't feel like it anymore. Sorry. It just hurts so badly to find out you're not creative, just sick. I'm as bad as the child abusers I claim to detest. That hurts me so badly. I can't even put it into words. I shouldn't even post this entry, it feels so awful to realize this.

Once more I offer a not-good-enough apology. I never meant to turn out this way, but I did. If I knew why I'm so sick, I would truly tell you. I agonize daily because I don't know why, myself. If I could erase the whole part of me that writes this crap I would do it, gladly, just so I wouldn't be sick anymore.