12-21-02 @ 8:41 am EST

I just sent out a zipped file of part of Manitou Island to somebody who asked for it...oddly he wanted it in .txt format, not HTML, which puzzles me. Why ask for .txt over HTML? I hope it's an issue with his computer. I feel a bit suspicious sending it, but I can't think of a valid reason why. Anyway it's tedious to reformat it for .txt (I stripped all tags but the italics ones--I HATE .txt formatting because it's so messy to indicate italics!), and to zip and mail and such, so I hope it worked. Still wonder why he didn't want HTML...

He said he was interested in the "Ameni Chronicles" also, but didn't go for the M/M thing, so if I could leave those parts out... I told him that would ruin the plot, so he said he could do without that story. *sigh* I've put so much effort into it, but it seems to be perpetually wasted. I know that other writers of slash have huge followings, but I can't seem to do it right. I wonder if someday I should simply remove the entire thing from the site; it wouldn't be missed. It would probably also lead to fewer people thinking I'm sick. Not that anyone would have noticed--but the only REALLY objectionable material, the bulk of it is in that series alone. Because, at least I had thought, that it went with the plot.

This is what I find strange. When I first admitted to this kind of writing, NOBODY but some idiot on a Q&A site thought I was bad for writing it. EVERYBODY I told encouraged me. Sure, not everybody was interested in reading it, and that was okay. Basically I was glad to just not be called horrible for writing it. And I was very relieved to get that off my shoulders.

But lately it seems like there is more and more negativity. Firstly in the incident I mentioned before, brought on by me; I did deserve whatever punishment I got for not reading the TOS properly, but from the tone of the note left, I felt I was being judged as a person for having written it. Like I wrote it to attract perverts? After all the assurances I'd gotten previously, that hurt me badly. You already saw in my last entry another response; I won't lend it nearly as much weight, as it was obviously just a troll, but I noticed how they mentioned my "perverse stories." Sure, they negate their own comment by then telling me to "get laid" (who is being more vulgar here?), but it still stung me. That was two blows.

And now today I have realized that a very respected member here, whom many others look up to, thinks that writers of this kind of material are bad and sick and such. This was somebody I once trusted and respected, but they lost my trust when they made it clear they were willing to turn their back on everybody who depended on them, without a second thought. They ended up not doing that...at least, not so obviously...but they posted today to the effect that if you write erotica, you are a sick person for sharing that with the public. Well, there go all the assurances I was offered.

All it takes is one negative comment from somebody I had respected, and who I know many others look up to, to negate all the positive comments I have received. I feel I took one big step forward, only to be shoved twenty humongous steps back.

What I find ironic is that this user responds kindly to at least a handful of other people who ALSO write erotica. Funny how they haven't called them on it as well. This strikes me as rather two faced of them, to speak to these people in kindness, while thinking they are sick and immoral behind their backs. There is a part of me that has strong issues on this, and wonders if I really am sick for writing what I do. However, I KNOW I would not commit some of the acts described in my stories, nor do I even condone them. This person makes it seem as if I would. I doubt myself, and do think I'm probably sick, but I know for CERTAIN that this person is wrong on this one little matter.

What is saddest is that this post took place in a spot that is supposed to be comforting and welcoming to people with related issues...no more, based on that post. If this person is willing to judge a person's entire personality based on the fact of what kind of fiction they write, I would not ever want to be a part of their world.

I'm reminded of the pro-erotica argument that if you write about serial killers, does it make you a serial killer? I write about demons--does that make me a demon? I write erotica--maybe it means I'm sick on some level, but it doesn't mean I'm going to go out and demonstrate what's in my writing. It just means I write erotica. Call me sick in the head, but do not EVER hint that I will stoop to the level of some fictional character, just because I WROTE about them.

Once more I didn't mean to go into so much detail. I hate even mentioning the "E" word in my journal. :( This is another person who never reads my journal so I shouldn't worry, but if they do see it, yes, I'm the one who sent that review, and I stand by it. For somebody who claims to be a good Christian, they judge very quickly and very broadly.

On a tangent, I think that when people who claim to be comfortable with God insist on mentioning the big G or the big J in every single sentence, often in caps, it indicates in fact an insecurity on their part...why announce so loudly your unswerving faith in God if your faith is so unswerving? It reeks of public affirmation--the more I mention God, the more certain I will be that He exists. I think that if your faith is TRULY unshakable, you can be comfortable with it by yourself, and don't have to announce it to everybody around you. Those who announce things loudest are often those who are most uncertain of their faith...IMO...

I wish to change the subject now...

I have a dream to interpret, just noticed that, but I think I will do that later this morning...it looks relatively straightforward, I just need to figure it out. My last interpretation got me GPs. :)

I dreamt during my nap that part of my tooth broke off, which was stressful, but then I found out that in fact it was a part I wanted broken off...so I was happy...which is unusual. o_o

We got our first big snowfall last night, so everything is white. It was so beautiful in the dark, with the clingy snow making the trees look so ethereal. It's gray out now. Strangely, I wanted snow this year. I hate the cold, but I don't know...I also hate sleeping when it's sunny out. It feels like a waste. When it's cold out and snowy, it makes me feel so much better to be stuck inside.

I saw the most adorable huge stuffed dog at Wal-Mart...I wish I could have gotten it, it was so very big and soft. I'm not sure what it was, but it was a big guard-dog type...black and tan...small floppy ears. I know! I think it was a Great Dane. All right, so not exactly a guard dog, but a big one nonetheless. They also had a big black Lab but I loved the Great Dane. So soft! *sigh* It would have been nice to cuddle with...

Charter stopped by yesterday afternoon. :( Luckily Dad was home and he paid the bill at the door. *sigh* Well, at least he didn't get mad at Ma. He doesn't seem to really yell about these things anymore. **KNOCK ON WOOD** As expected, a whole bunch of bills showed up at once! I KNEW this would happen! Just because I spent all my money here, and because Ma bought some things on eBay. It figures. She just made a $600 car payment...I would sigh again but that's getting overused...aside from Charter I think we got a shutoff notice from the gas company. I hope she can take care of that today.

At least our grocery bill was way lower than usual...last week it was at $140!! when it's usually around $100. :( Still don't know how that happened; about the most extraneous things I got were two cans of blackberries ($4 each) and a copy of Lilo & Stitch for $15, and that still doesn't make up the amount we went over. This week it evened that out at $60 though...sheesh, I hope I have something to eat during the week...the checkout lady knows us well, I like her, and she even knows our spending habits. Like one of the waitresses at Big Boy, who always knows what drinks we're going to order. I like it when people know your little habits. It means they notice you. :)

And guess what! GLEN'S RESTOCKED THEIR FRIGGIN' SHELVES! They haven't had videocassettes--simple videocassettes!--for SIX WEEKS! There's anxiety they might go under as Wal-Mart is changing to a Super Wal-Mart or whatever...with a supermarket in it...so the price is cut on just about everything, and Ma insisted they wouldn't BE getting things back in stock. Still, I didn't believe that; why go out of business before your business is even threatened? Why leave the inventory tags on the shelves if you're not going to get more stock? Looks like I was right, but who knows for how long. I got Coz some dry cat food at Wal-Mart as if Glen's goes under, Wal-Mart doesn't carry the kind of canned food he likes; and he seemed to really like it. Go figure; he wouldn't eat dry when we first got him. :/

My gift points came in the other day, and three different users (those reading my serial) sent along generous donations of GPs for the 100th part. So now I have about 1.5 million of them, just enough to upgrade myself. Why do I have no costumicon on my port? Because I think I will wait until Christmas to give myself the upgrade. Just pray that nothing horrendously stupid goes wrong before then (which it could). That's why I'm not yet upgraded. I predict I will be spending the majority of Christmas alone...*sigh*...so I should be able to give myself a little gift.

I hate Christmas. The only holiday worse is New Year's Eve. I love the lights and snow and sights, but I hate how the pop radio station feels the overwhelming need to play stupid Christmas songs every few minutes (once in a while is fine--EVERY TWO SONGS IS NOT! I'm so SICK of "Feliz Navidad"!), and I hate being alone. There are other things I hate about it but I don't want to post them as it sounds so petty and ungrateful. I wish somebody could order me some stuff from my Amazon wish list, but nobody in my family is computer-savvy enough. Kind of late in the year anyway. I just wish my parents wouldn't spend so long at my mom's mom's, drinking alcohol and playing poker until late at night. If we could just go there for a short while, and if there weren't so many people there so I could just SIT DOWN, and if they wouldn't drink and gamble and if we could just come home and spend the evening together watching TV, I would be so much happier.

I wouldn't even mind so much that I didn't get anything from my wish list. Or that big stuffed dog.