12-29-02 @ 1:00 pm EST

I just got another e-mail from the webmaster. I never get e-mail from him unless I've messed up big time, and the subject of the e-mail, "again:," only worsens my fears. I just came online to do some writing on Part 104 and now that writing mood is entirely shot, because I'm so nervous and upset and on the verge of crying. I've been TRYING to keep out of his way. I haven't even posted in the Support forum since the LAST time I messed up. What could I have done wrong NOW?

I'm wracking my brain trying to think of what I could have done. I DID answer someone's question in the ratings forum, about why their rating was changed...I made mention of how I didn't think that "God" counted as a curse word (and why should it?--I see plenty of CHRISTIAN items that mention the name and they're rated G, only because they use it in a different context...), but I also thought I made it clear that that was just my OPINION by ending my post with a *shrug.* That's the only opinion I've posted outside my journal lately...in fact I think it's the only thing I've posted ANYWHERE outside my journal lately. I try to avoid forums for the very reason that every time I post I cause trouble!

And so if that's what got him angry, I really DON'T know what to do. I THOUGHT that members were supposed to help each other and try to answer each other's questions! I don't see anybody else getting rebuked for doing that. It just seems to be me. I've had no trouble in that forum before when I gave advice. This time I was only offering a SUGGESTION, and I did NOT say that the SM was in the wrong or had to defend himself or that ANYBODY had to defend themselves...I already said what I posted above...so what did I do or say that was wrong?? I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to stop messing up! Does the real answer just lie in me not posting ANYWHERE on this site WHATSOEVER ever again, outside of my portfolio? With my luck if I try to plug on the Plugs page it'll be offensive, too!

I'm very worried that the e-mail might contain something important that I have to do, maybe something he said in his last e-mail to me that I missed because I didn't read it. And maybe THAT'S why he's saying, "again:"? Because he wants me to do something? But I didn't read that e-mail, and I'm too afraid to read THIS e-mail. So what if I miss something he wants me to do because I'm too afraid it's yet another thrashing for posting the wrong thing? I don't want to disobey something he wants me to do, but neither do I want to read it. I'm too afraid to. I can't understand how I keep messing up when all I try to do is help. How can I be so awful as to always make things worse when I want to make them better? I thought I couldn't mess up any more than I already had! I even stayed away from that forum just so that wouldn't happen! How did I do it yet again??

I'm too terrified that I'm missing something by not opening it, yet too terrified to open it. I hate to get him angry yet AGAIN, but I can't bring myself to read. What do I do?? <:*(