01-02-03 @ 12:58 pm EST

No, not actually being perfect, because I'm not, nor will I ever be. But rather feeling like I HAVE to be.

I should be proofreading Part 104 right now. (It's finished.) But I can't. My mind keeps wandering. I can sit and read the same paragraph five or six times and it still doesn't make sense, even though I can hear my own voice in my head reading it; if it were somebody else's story, it'd probably make sense (unless it's the last paragraph--the last paragraph ALWAYS gives me trouble). I sit and repeat and repeat and repeat with no purpose; I sound the words out loud (in a whisper, at least, so nobody can hear me and think I'm nuts!); I drag my eyes over the letters and tell myself that the words DO make sense, because I typed them there, and there's no way I'd type something that doesn't make any sense. They made sense when I typed them. But it doesn't help.

I read one paragraph. Maybe two. Go to a different window and read something else. Read another paragraph. Check e-mail. Read two lines. Read them over again a few times. Edit some diary entries elsewhere. Read half of a paragraph. Check out a message forum or two. Get up and go to the bathroom, get a drink, come back. Read the other half of the paragraph. Drag over the last few words; they never make sense. Tell myself it's flawless anyway and force myself to scroll down to the next paragraph, even while worrying that I'm wrong, it's NOT flawless. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Then get too frazzled by my own writing and save the unfinished item and wander off for a few hours.

And so Part 104 is not yet proofread. I just spent an hour checking maybe one sixth of the entire story, which is 32kb long. (One sixth of 30kb is what, five kilobytes? Not very much to read, is it? And certainly not an hour's worth, that is, if it were somebody ELSE'S writing.) Then I gave up and saved what I had, finished an e-mail I owed (which I had ALSO lost interest in and had to save when I got stuck), and came here to write this entry. Dallying yet more.

(I'm proofreading this entry right now and I have to keep coming back to this window to get it done. I want a drink but this juice is too sweet. I should make more tea; I wonder what the cat is up to. I wish I could be watching City Confidential with Dad. He just changed the channel; darn it. I wish Ma wouldn't go to the casino. I'm glad I found my photos. Now I have to find time to scan them. That'll be tedious. Speaking of tedious. I'm still thirsty and I'm still proofreading, and this paragraph just gives me yet MORE to proofread. Oops, had to add the word "just" there to make it sound just right. Then nearly screwed up that sentence itself.)

I printed out Part 104 in the hopes that it'll be easier to proof offline, but I don't know; I can barely drag myself through a few paragraphs of a book nowadays. There always seems to be something better to do, even if that better thing doesn't manage to hold my interest for very long, either.

Yet I CAN'T post the thing unless it's as perfect as I can make it. Which means I HAVE to proofread it, as difficult as that is.

It's easier for me to READ other people's works...but that doesn't make it easier to get through them. I literally CANNOT read an item anymore without compulsively correcting all or at least most of the grammatical/spelling/typographical errors I find. Even the stupid ones nobody would ever complain about in real life. (For example, when using a -ly adverb before an adjective, you DO NOT hyphenate the word! Who CARES about that, besides me?) This not only makes it take forever for me just to review (I have to proofread my own reviews, of course!), but I get the feeling I'm a seriously annoying reviewer, especially since the results of my review poll once told me that most people hare are NOT looking for detailed critiques. They just want a vague general comment. (That might not be what the sitewide notices tell you near the mailbox/logout option, but it's what poll respondents themselves told me, so there. SOMEBODY'S got to be wrong.)

So I can't read a lot of items that are of lesser quality, as I'd spend literally forever critiquing, when chances are the writer couldn't care less anyway. Most people I critique don't really seem to edit even for spelling errors. (I understand them ignoring my style advice, since it's a matter of opinion--but why leave in spelling errors??) I'm really thinking of changing all my reviews to anonymous since I think I've had all of one user who has come back to consistently review things in my port after I reviewed some of theirs. Some others said they would, but they haven't. If they're not going to stop by in return I may as well be anonymous and then they can't get mad at me if they don't like my nitpicking. Win-win.

Back to the topic at hand, though...see how well I'm putting off what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing? I've been diagnosed as ADD; and I while I'm willing to bet it's overdiagnosed in general, I do NOT believe I'm one of those who was incorrectly labeled. I really do have a wandering mind, even now when I try to focus. Even subjects that interest me can't hold my interest for very long. In addition, I've been diagnosed as having OCD--and ADD and OCD is like the WORST combination of mild mental disorders one can have. One requires that you be PERFECT in everything you do; the other pretty much nullifies that ability.

I'm a GOOD proofreader--I'm not trying to be vain but I doubt you'd find a better proofreader than myself on this site, honestly--but with how long it takes me to wrap my brain around the words, I may as well be a LOUSY proofreader. I take ages to read a few lines, and even then they don't make sense. That is, if they're MY lines. You've seen what I do with others'...then it just takes me forever to get around all the ERRORS that pop out at me.

(This entry is very disorganized, even by my standards. That paragraph about ADD and OCD doesn't flow well with the rest of the paragraphs around it, hence it doesn't make the point I wished it to make. I know this isn't a term paper, but it could at least make sense. I hope it's still understandable what I meant, though, as I'm too scattered to MAKE it make sense, by now.)

I don't know if there is really anybody who sees any of my writing and thinks, "Holy crap, how does she do it! She makes it look so easy!" Well, I'm probably flattering myself, but if there IS anybody out there who ever thinks that about me, let me tell you...this is nothing less than mental torture. It is NOT easy. Every week I have to force myself to figure out what the hell I've just typed, and it takes up a big chunk of time that I'd rather spend doing something else. (Like writing this entry, which is taking WAY too long. What I really wanted to do this morning was write some on the next Ameni chronicle. This is why I never get to bed in time to get a decent amount of sleep; I'm too busy doing all THIS.)

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE to write. It's the PERFECTING that drives me mad!

I wanted to describe a bit more just how torturous ("tortuous" is NOT the correct word for this usage!--see what I mean?) this entire process of writing and perfecting and proofing and reading again and again and again is, but my attention span is again wandering and I don't think I could adequately describe it by now. I can only hope this entry itself is explanation enough of what it's like.

I have to go do something else now. I'll probably get bored with that in a few minutes, too.

Tar...