01-06-03 @ 7:30 am EST

I'm starting to wonder if I have to include a disclaimer that's a mile long on this journal. That would seem to be the only way that some people would get the point.

This entry doesn't apply to the few people who most frequently comment on this journal, those whose advice HAS been appreciated. They should know who they are. This applies only to those who stop in to snipe every so often; thank God it's not MORE often. One person who loved to stop by my portfolio and grouse whenever he got the bleeding chance seems to have been deleted from the site, so thank God also that I don't have to worry about HIM dropping in, unless he returns under a new name. He really seemed to hate this site though, so maybe I don't have to ponder that possibility.

For a while I considered just writing a short entry on this, and not going into detail, but it's my journal and going into detail is what I do best. Besides, my short disclaimers don't seem to work for these people, so why not?

I can't say I'll get this all in order but who cares...it's a simple WEB JOURNAL. It's weird how these certain people don't care less when I really want help or advice, yet when I'm not even being serious, they decide to take me seriously and come swooping in, uninvited.

I continue to be amazed by the people who stop by to grumble about my entries, to tell me to get off the computer and "get out of the house." For people who sometimes claim to read my journal often, it really doesn't seem like they do. Hello--I DO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Every week when we go shopping, I get out of the house. Every summer when we go to Mackinac Island, I get out of the house. Whenever we go to Petoskey, I get out of the house. The random occasions I go to my mom's boss's place, I get out of the house. When we go to my grandma's on Christmas, I get out of the house. Whenever I go for a walk down the road in the summer, I get out of the house. Hey! You know, I would be getting out of the house WAY more often if I could drive and if there were someplace to go other than to the supermarket or the bookstore! You do know that the bookstore closes around four or five PM in winter and I don't get up until after then, right? And that I don't even have money to buy any books, so why go there? Notwithstanding that I DON'T HAVE A CAR, or a license, and I live about a ten minutes' drive from the city. I repeat that: I don't have a car, or a license, and I live about a ten minutes' drive from the city. My parents work full time, and even if they didn't, they do not like to take me out. Okay? I hope I made it clear this time. People don't seem to believe that my maximum walking ability is about eight miles, and then only in warm weather, on a clear road, on Mackinac Island. They don't seem to understand why I would not want to walk downtown in the dead of winter, through piles of slush and past snowplows, on my own, to a closed bookstore with no money to pay for anything anyway. I wonder what makes them think I would like to do this?

Besides, who is anybody to say that I don't LIKE being in the house? It's not actually BEING IN THE HOUSE that bothers me. It's personal interactions and disagreements that bother me. Okay? Just so you know I have NOTHING against literally being stuck here day in and day out. I'm okay with that. There's nothing really hot going on outside the house anyway unless you count such things as dogsled races and snowmobiling, both of which I hate. I am not missing anything but the occasional movie which we can't really afford, either.

That having been said, even with all the times I DO get out of the house...I got out of the house, and then I came back home, and...what happened?...that's right...NOTHING CHANGED. You got it. I got out of the house, had fun, came back, and EVERYTHING AT HOME WAS THE SAME! Wow! Amazing. Because you see, according to these people, all I have to do is get out of this house and apparently my problems will be resolved...well, that's what they keep telling me...but whenever I come back here, nope, there are the problems, they were just left behind for a while. Darn. And you see, no matter HOW many times I get out of the house, those problems will still be there, waiting to be confronted. These people are basically telling me to RUN AWAY from my problems, and they'll go away. Granted, I'm not the best at confronting problems...but since when is running away from them even more, a better solution? They are still here waiting for me when I get back. If I have an argument with my dad, and even if I still feel like taking a walk, when I come back, those bad feelings are STILL GOING TO BE HERE.

Leaving the house does not solve problems.

Neither does turning off the computer. You can call me as dysfunctional and as stupid as you want, but when something online upsets me, and I get offline...that upset is still there. I still hurt, and I still feel bad. In fact, usually, the rest of my real-life day is ruined. After an e-mail yesterday I am STILL left feeling lousy so I didn't even enjoy listening to my music a little while ago. If the weather had been good enough to go for a walk (which it ISN'T in the dead of winter, in the north of Michigan, when it's blowing outside and you HATE the cold), I probably would not have enjoyed it. And I would have just had to come back home to the memory of that hurt. Yes, I dwell in it, but I've already said before in this very journal that if I could just turn off my emotions with a switch, I gladly would. Emotions don't work that way, sorry. At least they don't work that way for me. They might be different for these people. I wouldn't know, since I'm not them. Yet they seem to believe that what applies to THEM emotionally should apply to me also. Why not the other way around, I wonder? Why am I and others supposed to think and feel like THEM, and not vice-versa?

That brings me to my next point. I HATE it when people claim that what works for THEM will work for ME. Hello? You don't know me. No matter how thoroughly you read my journal, no matter how truthful I am in here--you will NEVER entirely know me, unless you come here and live with me for a while. I don't see any of these people doing that, so unless they come and OBSERVE me like a psychiatrist observing his/her patient, they can't claim to know the answer to my problems is something that worked once for THEM. Maybe getting out of the house really DID solve something for them, but it's never done a thing for me, aside from burning a calorie or two. And they don't react to things emotionally the way I do, so until scientists perfect a way to transfer emotions, I really don't see how they can compare us.

THIS brings me to my NEXT point. People who claim they know the answers to all my problems just by reading this journal. No you don't. You can't know. You can't honestly sit there and tell me that if I get out of the house and "find help," things will work out for me. You can't claim to KNOW I can find "free help" where I live. Because you are NOT in my exact situation. Maybe in your area, this is a possibility. It is NOT for me.

In case these entries were missed in my journal, here are the points I've made on this matter before:

* I am too afraid and uncertain of myself to ask for help on my own.

* I would need somebody there to help me every step of the way if I were to ask for help.

* There is nobody offering to provide that constant help.

* My parents would NEED to know if I decided to ask for help.

* My parents are of the mind that I do not need help, and they WILL be angry if they find out.

* I have to live with my parents every day, and I cannot stand them being angry.

* According to my parents, "Sometimes you just have to live with" your problems.

* I HAVE been living with my problems, all my life, and so far I've achieved nothing.

* My parents are not willing to help me.

* I have no one else to ask.

* I have no way to get out of the house to ask somebody, even if there was somebody out there to ask, for help.

* Even if I could get out of the house and ask, I have no money to PAY for that help.

* We do NOT qualify for any kind of financial aid, and my parents are NOT willing to ask.

* I am not a taxpayer and do not make any money, so I have no say on what happens to our money.

* We do NOT make enough money to pay out of pocket for help.

* I am too ashamed to ask for handouts, and even when I do, the people I'm asking can't provide them, thus adding to the shame.

* Until all the above change, I am STUCK this way and there is not anything I can do about it.

Is that clear now? Let me emphasize the one point these people ("Get out of the house and FIND help instead of whining in your journal! You're not trying hard enough!") don't seem to get.

If I am to get help for myself, SOMEBODY WOULD NEED TO HELP ME. NOT just to tell me to get off my butt and do it, but to be there for me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. To be there on call (even in the middle of the night) to answer my questions, to allay my fears, to help me contact this help when I'm too afraid to. YES, I would be willing to get help if somebody could help me do that. I have even asked about this before. But for some strange reason, when people grouse at me to get help, why are THEY never the ones who are willing to help me do so? Telling me to get off my butt is no help. HELPING me get the help I need is what I need done. It is very easy for these people to TELL me to get help, but all THEY are doing is sitting on their butts judging ME. Until THEY get up and help ME instead of telling me what to do, I cannot take their griping seriously. If they are willing to complain to me about my whining but are not QUITE willing to help me find help, then they have forfeited their right to complain to me, because they've proven they DON'T CARE ENOUGH to change the fact that all I do is whine. Therefore, if they don't care, they should not BE complaining in the first place.

Get it? I address this to those people. The next time you feel so tempted to tell me to quit whining and get some help, why don't you come here to my house, pick up my phone, and FIND me one of those free psychiatrists that you claim live around in my area? I will be very grateful for your help. I will even thank you for helping me. All you have to do is find me a way to get psychological help that I don't have to pay for, because I don't have any money, and my parents are NOT supportive on this issue. (To again quote my mom: "Sometimes you just have to live with it.") Are you willing to help me, reader who wishes to complain about my sorry life? Then I live in Cheboygan, population roughly 5000. I don't know where to look online for help, and if I call on the phone by parents are likely to find out about it as the phone is right beside the living room. But you wish to be helpful, so I bet you know a way. Look around online and find me some free psychological help. Oh, it has to be in my immediate area, because I can't travel out of the city. In fact, I can't even travel out of the HOME, but psychiatrists don't make housecalls. Well, you know, if you CAN find me free psychiatric help, I'm willing to bet that I can convince my mom or dad to drive me there, if it's at a convenient time. That means after work. Which is afternoon. Although I'd rather go in the morning myself. I don't know, maybe I could work that out later--IF you find me that free psychological help. Did you get the city name right? Cheboygan. It's in northern Michigan, area code 49721. Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it.

BUT...I really don't see any of those people stepping forward with offers to help, and especially with offers to help beyond the first step. (Finding me free psychological help wouldn't be enough, complaining reader! You'd have to explain the deal to my parents, call the psychiatrist FOR me, tell them about my situation, and set something up at a time so I could call THEM and work it out...and you would have to be on call for me in case it fell through and I needed a backup plan!) All they can do is tell me to get off the computer and get out of the house. Well, that doesn't work, reader. And what does work, these people are not willing to help me with. So, until they ARE willing to get off of THEIR computers and get out of THEIR houses to help me, I'm not going to listen to what they say. They can complain all they want about me doing a half-assed job of getting help for myself; they're doing a half-assed job of helping me.

I know--these people do not OWE me help. So why do they feel the need to owe me "advice"? I don't get it why they care enough to complain to me, yet not enough to help me. That's where I'm seriously confused. *shrug* I guess I'll never know, since they never offer anything beyond that initial complaint. They never even have anything positive to say when I say something GOOD has happened in my life. Very weird. You'd think that if they don't care to help me, then they wouldn't care enough to complain to me about my online journal and my whining.

So, if they don't care enough about me except to complain when I whine, then why do they READ my whining? I know I sometimes read others' whining because I find it amusing in a sick way...but I don't go offering those people unasked-for advice or telling them to get off the computer unless they tell me first. But these certain people do like to tell ME to log off. I still don't get it. The next time one of my journal entries makes them want to grouse at me, why don't they take their own advice? Get off the computer and get out of the house. Since they seem to believe that's the answer to all life's problems.

What I find most interesting at the moment is that the last person who told me to do this RESTRICTED their own journal, so that I cannot see it. Hmm. Are they reluctant lest somebody tell THEM to get offline and get a life? I would never do that since I know how it feels and how useless it is, but I still find it kind of like the pot and the kettle.

This brings me to my next point. Where are all these people with the "advice" when I really AM asking for advice? I make it clear when I want advice or opinions in my entries themselves--with such things as "What do you think?" To my knowledge, these people who insist on giving me unasked-for advice NEVER reply to THOSE entries; they must not have the time or inclination, the same as they don't have the time or inclination to congratulate me when something good has happened; it's like they skip those entries. Yet when I post an entry that does NOT in any way ask for advice...there they are, giving it! What the hell was it about my last two entries and the psychological test that got people so antsy? They said so themselves, and I KNOW myself--it's just a test. Just because I posted the results--and because for the most part the informal results VERIFY WHAT I ALREADY BELIEVED--these people seem to think I'm staking my life on that test. I am not. I did it FOR FUN, and was just surprised that it appeared to be accurate in MY case. And I NEVER claimed that I am the most messed-up person in the world, oh, pity me. All right? I have NOT been sitting here obsessing over how screwed up I am based on an informal test. If I WERE obsessing about anything based on that, it would have been about how it just VERIFIED what I ALREADY KNEW was wrong with myself. But I wasn't even obsessing over that. So why are these people so upset? I took an online test and posted the results. I then posted my thoughts on the results, because I found it INTERESTING, and because it gave me something to do. Oh my God. Somebody kill me because I have no life. And here I thought I was just having some fun doodling around with my characters. Somebody please kill me before I get worse.

Another point to make. What is with people's insistence lately on me GIVING UP MY INTERESTS? I've had TWO mentions lately of me quitting looking at mythology and doing something more useful instead. For starters, studying mythology and talking to people are two VERY DIFFERENT things. Being good at one doesn't mean I can be good at the other even if I try. I know the first person who hinted at this meant no harm, but I still find it strange to think that one thing necessarily applies to another. It doesn't. It's like saying that because somebody knows how to swim, they should know how to bake cakes. Both require different skills that may or may not apply to the other. Telling me that I can use my dedication to studying mythology to help me socialize better with people will not help me socialize better with people. They are two different things. And yes, a phobia CAN be overcome...but nobody is willing to sit beside me and hold my hand the entire way and help me overcome it.

Besides, my "useless, I-must-have-no-life-because-I-blather-about-it-constantly" interest in mythology? Guess what? Take a look in the rest of my port, please (go on!--you care enough to read my journal, at least when you want to complain to me, so look at the rest of my stuff!), and see all the stories I have written--a novel, many novellas and short stories, and a nearly completed serial of over 350,000 words--and tell me I've wasted all these years studying mythology. Come to my house and look at my advance notes for the sequel to my serial, which is what most of my mythology babbling recently has been about, and tell me I should get another hobby outside the house. Come here and look me in the eyes and tell me that taking a walk down the road in the snow is going to help me get the details right for my next fiction project. I do not see any of these people taking a sincere interest of theirs and dedicating so much to it in words. I know that my stories have not been published, and they probably never will. But SOMEBODY enjoys them, and I have spent a good deal of time and dedication writing them. So please come here now and tell me my hobbies are a total waste of my life and time.

Which brings me to what I hope is my final point. These people who insist on complaining about my lack of a life. I ask you. Why do YOU care? If you do not care to actually provide me with help, if you do not care enough to give me advice when I ASK for it but to give it when I DON'T, if you do not care to share my good times with me, if you do not care enough to be there for me when I need somebody but for whatever reason you do "care" enough to tell me to get a life...why do you bother? It's obvious you do not care about me; you just saw an entry in which I whined yet again, got mad, and decided to take me to task for it in the hopes that I would shut up. I told you already. Instead of sitting there and judging my entire person based on a journal entry, and telling me to get help, come here and help provide me with that help. If you are not willing to stand by my side and help me yourselves...then don't bother reading this journal anymore, because like my backup version says, I'm not going to shut up just for you. And I really can't understand why you punish yourselves reading my tripe anyway if all it does is get you upset.

Turn off your computers. Get out of the house. Go take a walk.

Since you invest so much belief in that "solution," do it for yourself. Then, whenever you're ready to REALLY help me, come on back and do so. I'll gladly listen to you then and only then.

Until then, I am going to sit here and USE this journal to do what I've always done. Post what means something to ME, whether you like it or not. That means longwinded babbles about mythology and characters. That means whining. That means psychology tests whenever I feel like it.

I have severe reservations about posting this entry, lest these people come gunning after me again, and was just going to sum it up in as few sentences as possible; but why should I? It's MY journal, and I should not be afraid of what some people who don't care to help me, who just want to sit and judge me from afar, will think of me after I post this. Their lives are not my life and mine is not theirs. At times they make valid points, but they can't claim to know the answers to my problems, as long as they aren't willing to help me personally. And they can't claim to really want me to get help if they don't want to help me do so. They've long negated their own arguments.

You see how long a disclaimer this would be? This is why I can't understand why some people bother to read my journal beyond the front page. They should know what they're in for based on the description itself. ("Griping and gripes.") I guess they have nothing to do in THEIR lives but read about MY lack of a life. Maybe it makes them feel better? Maybe I just answered my own question. *shrug*

Going now...tar.