01-11-03 @ 2:02 pm EST

Will this site ever top 193,000 items again? It stays at around 192,000, no matter how much new stuff is added. And I know, as I check the fantasy section daily. I decided to just post each of my "E" items separately and added five today alone. About an hour and a half ago, there were about 192,700 items. When I came back, there were 192,600. How can so much stuff be deleted so quickly so often? What all is being purged, exactly?

I've been wanting to mention that for a while but keep forgetting...

I'm still proofreading Part 58, have about 2500 more words to go, but it's so difficult. I asked for some help in an ADHD forum at Brainstorms in the hope that somebody has a suggestion, though I doubt it. This is just the kind of thing one has to deal with on their own. Meditation was suggested to me once, but I'm so rattled and scattered and impatient that I know I could not do that. I sit and...nothing happens. If something isn't immediate, I give up. I get frustrated and bored and do something else instead. No meditation.

I'm sending off another e-mail even though I vowed I wouldn't, as I had spent up my last chance...I just really want some kind of closure on this. My hands are shaking and I'm sweating because of it; I hadn't even noticed this until I was about ready to send it, and even though I finished writing it a while ago (I just noticed I haven't SENT it yet...sheesh), I'm still shaking and sweating. Has it really made me that anxious? I hope it's not rude sounding. I just can't stand logging off every day and not knowing what I did wrong if anything, why she will not get back to me. I know she isn't angry with me, at least, not yet (my e-mail may change that), but I noticed she told another user they could go to her for a listening ear...so I'm confused. I'm trying so hard not to become angry like I do with everyone else, since I really WANT her to be the different one. I WANT her to be the one who meant what she said, the one who I can trust, who is different from the 99.9% of other people who said the same thing but didn't mean it. But my faith falters so much, if I even had any to begin with.

I don't know if she'll see this, though I hinted I wanted her to look at my journal. If she does...every night when I log off and go to my room to listen to music for an hour and relax, lately I haven't been able to relax. The whole time I'm listening to my music, I'm also wondering about her, why we couldn't be friends. I don't know why I'm obsessing so much; it's not like she would be the first person to not want to communicate with me, and it's not like it's a surprise if she doesn't. I guess I felt she was interesting, and had hoped she felt the same of me. It's not often that I find other people interesting. Once this was confused with narcissism, when it isn't. I just can't venture very far beyond my own sphere of being without growing distracted; somebody has to have something to them that I identify with, before I can truly like them and want to know more about them.

I just guess she was one of those people, only to a greater extent than usual; which is why it disappoints me so that from the looks of it she does not feel the same way about me. I guess I'll know if she replies. If she doesn't reply, I'll know also, I suppose. I just need to know for sure, for a change. So many people in life have left me hanging without ever giving me a chance to try again, to redeem myself, or to at least know why. I pray she is not one of those people...but I really don't know.

I had a disturbing dream recently that I never described and now it's much faded. All I can remember is wandering around in the house in some kind of fantasy story, trying to escape bad guys or meet up with some good guys. At one point I think I was naked so I had to wrap something around myself, and Dad came to my door. I went to kiss him goodbye and instead of the cheek I accidentally kissed him on the mouth. That made me feel very uncomfortable. There was more to it but that's the part that bothered me. I wanted to tell her about this dream, but I've already asked for too much from her.

Last night I napped during The Bone Collector (I've never seen it before so I have no clue what it was about), so maybe that had something to do with why in my dream I was a young girl frantically running away from numerous bad guys intent on killing me. It was winter for a change in my dream. I remember being in a schoolroom at one point...metal sinks...it must have been early elementary school then. I have the feeling it was slightly post-apocalyptic, a major epidemic like from The Stand; why did these people want me dead? I can't remember. All I know is I KNEW this was a game of some sort, and I was pretending, yet it felt real and at times my fear was genuine. I did NOT want to get caught as that meant I would die. I had to live. It was imperative.

I fled the school and ran across snowy ground; it looked like my yard. Ran to one neighbor's house and knocked frantically on the door. Ran away before the people could catch up. Ran to the other neighbor across the highway and had to scale a tall fence...barbed wire...electric shock...I fumbled but somehow made it and had to jump down the other side, difficult, with my acrophobia. Ran like mad to find this other neighbor...a woodsman, lumberjack, some such. Gruff and grizzly and not very friendly...but I knew he would protect me. Begged him for help, and he got ready to fight off these other people. And they had a shotgun and they blew off his head...somehow I grabbed Cosmas (where did he come from?--this sounds like my "Charnel House" dream, another one I wanted to ask her about) and screamed and screamed and ran and ran and ran across the snow, but I could find no safe haven anywhere...

I would like to ask her about that dream, too, but I've already explained why I can't. I wanted to get some more writing and/or reading done before logging off but I spent too much time on that e-mail and on this entry. :( And I can't think of anything else, so I'll end this now.