01-21-03 @ 10:29 am EST

More odd dreams with water. I count water as being up there with "darkness falling" in terms of important recurring symbols in my dreams, and the dreams I had the day before yesterday were no exception.

Unfortunately I can't remember them very well by now.

I do recall that I walked through some sort of old building that was meant to be a museum, a re-creation of something, some kind of tour, with other people. I got the feeling of it being antique...perhaps 1800s or so...dusty, old, worn, but of historic significance. Like Old Mill Creek. Or Fort Mackinac. Perhaps Colonial. A long low building, sprawling, only one story. It was overcast, cloudy, on the verge of raining outside and we walked around inside this dusty old place. For some reason it intrigued me. It was just...I don't know. I can't really describe it. The feeling you get walking through a place that has history behind it. Do you know that feeling? Because I can't describe it otherwise. It was that feeling that I got.

This place was surrounded by lakewater. I believe it was supposed to be Lake Superior, meaning we were surrounded by Great Lake. It was shallow, but not incredibly shallow; looks could be deceiving at parts, as it was almost swampy. There were trees and rushes, so we were not far from land. I remember walking through this building and then suddenly it was flooded with water. There were several inches of it covering the floor. It wasn't dirty or murky, but clear and cool. I feel it was supposed to be winter, but I was not excessively cold, even with lakewater streaming over my feet. I sloshed through it with awe. It reminded me of my dream...what was it called?..."Bills Of Anger & Soothing Water" or some such. When my bedroom flooded, but nothing was ruined. It was like that.

There was at least one adult male with the group; he's all I remember. He may have looked a bit like Liam Neeson or else Ralph Fiennes, but then again that could just be because Neeson was on TV this morning. *shrug* This old dusty place so intrigued me, and the floodwater did even more so. I walked toward the back of this building and came out into the open, onto a wetland or marsh--it overlooked an expanse of shallow water, and I stood and stared down at the color and patterns formed by the ripples on the sand and seaweed and rock below. It mesmerized me, it was so beautiful. I wanted to walk through it, like the courtyard in my "Courtyard In The Swamp" dream, but I didn't. I was afraid of sinking, of drowning. The Great Lakes, and Lake Superior especially (if this was indeed Superior and not Huron, the Great Lake I know best), can be treacherous.

I was so very tempted...

I remember a part with some wooden pilings, dockwork, something like that, and walking over them, trying to cross the water...nearly falling in, or perhaps I did, and making a close escape...the others, or at least the man, were with me, and helped me. I got wet. It was cold, but I was not exceedingly upset. The water just interested me so much. There was more, but it fades now...all I know for sure is that water drew my attention for some reason...

I had a rather adult dream last night, so I won't discuss it here...

I'm feeling rather blue and left out of things at the moment. I think LiveJournal depresses me a bit because I feel like I will have to beg people to put me on their friends lists and I hate to beg because who would want me to see their friends-only entries? And who would want to see mine? There are people I see that I want to add to mine, but that doesn't mean they'll add me to theirs. That makes me feel as if they don't trust me, and etc. etc., you know by now how I get. :( I know; how can they know if that's what I want them to do unless I ask them straight out? Honestly, I'm bothered at the moment because as I'm adding many entries a day to back it up, I'm running all the other entries off everyone's friends pages...the five or six people who added me just because I hinted rather obnoxiously that I wanted them to do so. I don't think they actually read it, they're just being friendly. I don't blame them, but I'm still sad. I finally get a place over there and I still can't fit in.

I don't know why I get like this. I discovered another person I know there this morning, and from them found a whole ring of other people I know only by name and in passing, but I just feel like I've been in the dark for a long time and I feel like I still will be. I'm part of no circle of friends. It makes me feel sad that there are things going on I know nothing about, and they've been going on for months, because I was not part of that circle, and that makes me feel untrusted, distrusted, not wanted, disliked. The nerdy, nosy girl in the corner that everybody tries to keep away from. I probably didn't, but I feel like I barged in on that sacred circle and there is a row of angry eyes telling me to get out. Nobody will be so rude as to tell me that to my face, of course. But I was not invited to the circle long ago, so why would I be wanted there?

I honestly do believe that if I have been left out of something, by omission, forgetfulness, or just because somebody didn't think I'd be interested, that I cannot ask to be let in, no matter how much I want it. It's asking too much and it's humiliating.

It's probably my paranoia making most of this up, but I just hate it when I'm left out of things, no matter how peripheral I may be to them...I hate feeling like people don't and can't trust me. I consider myself one of the trustworthiest people you can know, even though I don't know how to trust people myself. If you share a secret with me, as long as it doesn't concern endangering yourself or someone else, then it will be safe.

I don't get the feeling people care about that though. :( Like I said, I've never fit into any circles...I did feel that when I joined LJ a whole new world would be opened up to me. Indeed, I've seen that world, but I don't feel like it's been opened. If anything, I feel like now people will be shutting those doors even tighter to make sure I don't peek in.

Are all these fears unfounded? All I know for certain is I've left a few notes around there and the people who DIDN'T already know me, except for one, have not replied at all...and even when I asked on another site for others to add me to their friends list, aside from those few who had already added me (probably because I had added them first)...nobody did. Not even one who I specifically asked a few times. The people on this site willingly gave out their usernames to someone else, but not to me. That tells me very much about what they think of me.

That's their right, of course, to not want to add me...but it just tells me I'm not trusted over there. And that hurts.

Why did I expect it to be any different though? :(