01-24-03 @ 10:43 am EST

I had a bizarre, very unsettling dream while I napped last night...if only I could remember it more clearly. It was very clear while I had it, that I know. Yet it was fuzzy almost immediately upon awakening, fuzzy and jumbled, when usually I can remember more than this. It was quite a disturbing dream. :(

I know it was about abuse. Myself, my mom, my dad, and I'm not sure if there was anyone else, but we were in it. I was at what I think was supposed to be my home, but it was all weird...the lighting was all strange...like the way the lights would have to be to give me nightmares when I was a kid. I used to have to sleep with a lamp on for a long time, and I had awful nightmares; Ma or Dad theorized it was because I slept with the light, when one is normally supposed to sleep in the dark. Who knows, perhaps they're right? I don't even sleep with a night-light anymore (though of course, I'm nocturnal and sleep during the day--but my windows are covered), and my nightmares aren't as frequent as they used to be. I had some truly strange, frightening ones when I was a kid.

In any case, the lighting in the dream reminded me of that lamplight, warm and yellow, but frightening in a way; askew, sinister, not quite right. The rooms were all strange as well...all the angles were wrong, I think. Like my old dream of the upstairs floor tilting and me sliding off the edge. Nothing seemed right.

It was also nighttime.

There was a threatening presence in the dream that made me want to talk, but I was afraid to. I feel like I was remembering something. The thing is I'm not sure who this person was. My dad figured in here, but I so badly want to say it wasn't him. I think that even in the dream I got that feeling, but...I can't speculate any further. I just know there was a male figure who threatened me, and made me want to start talking.

I went to my mom...the room was all, all wrong...and said, tentatively, "I think I was abused." I know there was a feeling of fear and disbelief, but I didn't know what else to do. I don't think I ever got to say anything else. If Dad was there, I didn't feel safe talking around him; maybe I feared disbelief. Who knows. I don't want to speculate. I just know I wanted to talk, but something frightened me and I knew danger was close and didn't get to say anything else. Sure, I'd gotten out that one sentence, but there was more that needed to be said...I never said it...

There was so much more to the dream, regarding my parents, the light, my suspicion, this male figure, whatever was happening, but it's all so fuzzy and jumbled that I just can't put it in words. I've forgotten almost all of it, even immediately after I dreamed it.

Maybe that's for the best? :( I hate forgetting "important" dreams, but this one has made me so uncomfortable that perhaps it's best I can't remember any more...

I already mentioned how a little bit ago as I sat at the computer I felt like I was floating. Very odd. Last night, first when I walked around I felt as if gravity were much lighter--it was so smooth and easy to walk--then as I sat on the couch reading, it felt like my arms were disconnected from my body. How bizarre. Fleeting, but weird. My head felt faint and floaty a few times also...maybe I need more sleep...