01-27-03 @ 2:52 am EST

I posted my first public (i. e., not anonymous; I think I did an anonymous one the other day) review to the reviews page, blugh...two people sent me 25 GPs each for it, which was kind of nice. I know I will never be in the top fifty reviewers. Simply because I don't review often enough, and they've made it so your points expire (which I find kind of silly; why didn't they just make it so no points you got before the page was instituted count?). But I still know that I will continue to offer the very best reviews that I possibly can, better than those that many others offer. :P (Some people show up on the list so often that I'm wondering, have they always reviewed that much?--or are they just trying to get into the top fifty? Why don't they stop by my port more often? Blah.) And I have a valid excuse for not reviewing more often: I'm writing then.

I JUST started Part 108 yesterday; only got a teeny bit done. Not even 2kb. It's called "Fight To The Finish," and will feature the climactic fight scene between Ocryana, Charmian, and Red Bird. I predict (could be wrong) that there are three parts left to the story. This, Part 109, and Part 110. 110 would be a nice number to end on. Not as nice as 100, but the story did have to run longer than that.

I think I'll feel a little empty when it's done. P. has said he would like to read it again, and if he does I hope he keeps his eyes open for plot lapses...there must be TONS of plot lapses that I'm too close to the story to notice. I do plan on reading through it in its entirety sometime, but...with the Chronicles and the potential sequel and others' stories and all, reading my own stuff is just torture. Even though I don't seem to be quite so bad at it as I was the last time I complained. Maybe my ADD was temporary. (Well, SOME of it.)

Still struggling my way through Algonquin Legends. Leland isn't as dynamic a writer as Johnston or even Schoolcraft, even though Schoolcraft tends to use big long paragraphs and outdated spellings.

*sigh* I hate to do this but I have to go to the bathroom before I can even think of finishing this entry. :( Sorry about that...be back in a minute.

All right, I'm back...and I can't remember what I was going to say. :/ Hmmmmm...oh. There will be this hole left when I finish writing the serial...I'm not sure what I'll do next, even though I WILL be happy to have it out of the way. My Kemet stories have been sadly neglected. I haven't uploaded a new story to FFN in ages (can't update MI there anymore because the page won't load properly, and tech support will not answer me anymore, so my readers there will not be able to see the ending; they don't know to click on my profile to see where to find the story, even though the story summary says to do that), because I haven't WRITTEN any new stories in ages. Except for the Chronicles, and FFN doesn't allow those kind of fics anymore. This is the only site I know of that does. (For the record, no, Literotica would not accept them; I read their guidelines. They say stories have to be like 750 words tops (though I've seen longer there!), and mine range from about 3000-13,000 words a piece. Plus, while they accept rape stories there, they don't accept underage characters, which I find kind of weird since both are illegal. *shrug* I won't go into further detail.) I should really finish whatever that Kemet story of mine is called and start another...or the Manitou Island/Kemet crossover I proposed...or something, ANYTHING else that isn't exclusively Manitou Island! (Haven't quite finished the other one with X'aaru yet.) I've been thinking of the KK sequel, though the Chronicles have been distracting me. I really would like to flesh out the earlier parts so they match the new parts in length and terms of plot. I like how things keep tying together without me planning them (Dja'mui's lost tribe and the River Tribe's lost men will figure in the plot, e. g.), though there IS still that little detail of who the hell Binena's slave was talking about back in Part...what was it?...I have to look...Part 30. I have no idea what he was talking about there, and no idea how to write it into the plot. *sigh*

Whatever, who cares.

And I'm not sure how soon to start the sequel series to MI, though I feel I can't put it off long. That story is consuming so much of my time! >_<

I had some very weird dreams as I slept, mostly about my eBay auctions; I've been buying some items lately. Some of the sellers there are so stupid! I've never had a truly bad experience with a seller; the only time was my own fault, when a check bounced so we had to pay by money order. The seller was kind and didn't leave me a negative review. Ma had me use the account to bid on some beads recently, but THOSE buyers didn't bother leaving comments! Jerks. Anyway, I won some items...a copy of the Adiemus Songs Of Sanctuary CD, since I have the tape and wanted a CD...a used copy of the Lion King soundtrack on cassette because for some reason, one track, or whatever, in one speaker on the first side of my own copy doesn't work...and two books about Egyptian mythology. The SELLER is supposed to e-mail the buyer privately after the auction to send along shipping information. Well, on the first two sales, the Adiemus CD and one of the books, I got these dumb automatic PayPal confirmations, but I don't want to and CAN'T pay by PayPal, so I e-mailed the sellers to request a total, and asked them for their addresses so I could send out a money order. And I waited.

In the meantime I won the other auctions (I lost one, a book on Egyptian amulets by Budge) and didn't even have to e-mail THOSE sellers. They e-mailed me FIRST, as they were supposed to do, and they already have their money orders in the mail.

I waited over a WEEK for the first two to get back to me. ! Do they not want their money or something?? Finally in annoyance I requested a total again, letting them know I'd already done so (if they insist I didn't, I have the carbon copies from eBay to prove it!). The seller of the book got back to me with an address, but...the CD seller STILL hasn't replied. HELLO SELLER! Don't you want your payment or what?? This is VERY negligent behavior for eBay sellers and I've never run across anything like it. Sheesh! Some way to do business! Just have PayPal send along a dumb confirmation notice and neglect to send your buyer your address? How stupid is that? Not everybody can or wants to pay electronically, you know.

So I'm not sure what to do if this person doesn't get back to me in the next week. I think I'll try their e-mail direct. Then maybe contact eBay? I'm not sure what steps to take. I've never HAD to deal with such a person before! With my luck they'll leave bad marks on ME because I didn't send the money within ten days--when I COULDN'T because they WOULDN'T SEND ME AN ADDRESS IN A TIMELY MANNER! Dumb sellers...they are SUPPOSED to e-mail me first, and I DID e-mail THEM, twice...

But anyway, I had a lot of funky eBay dreams, only in my dream, of course, eBay was a real-life place, first in a store, then in a sort of bazaar located atop a green hill...very interesting. I was interested in some particular books and necklaces--green stones, I remember, one with a teeny little dragonfly in it--but I got back to the seller too late to get them. *sigh* She was a black-haired lady just packing up her stuff, and I noticed she did have about three books that hadn't sold in time. One was an old battered softcover (like a textbook) on ancient Chinese history or some such. Though I didn't really want the books, or see any need for them, I still felt compelled to buy them. "I notice you didn't sell those in time?" I said; she was a bit flustered, picking up a plastic bin and the books and the rest of her stuff as she got ready to leave. I sensed sadness in her. "I'll buy them if you want...I have...ten dollars in my pocket." And I knew I didn't, but that if I thought hard enough, I'd produce a ten-dollar bill. Interesting. The books were worth more than that, but as they hadn't sold, haggling was perfectly okay and she agreed to the sale. So I took the unsold books off her hands and left, hoping I'd made her feel a little less sad for the day.

There was more to the dreams but I can't remember it well. Just that there was a lot of eBay stuff in them.

Here is an interesting article on catatonic schizophrenia:

Catatonic Schizophrenia

Strangely, this manifestation of schizophrenia is not as common as it used to be. Possibly because of improved diagnostics and advances in the medical knowledge of diseases of the nervous system, many "catatonics" may now receive a differential diagnosis.

"Catatonia is not a voluntary thing. You aren't purposely not moving because you think something bad is going to happen. It happens against your volition, you just get stuck. Sometimes you are not aware of anything. I've lost hours and have not understood how time could actually pass. I could be reaching for a glass and by the time my hand comes down with the glass I lost two hours. Sometimes you are vaguely aware of things, like nothing gets through but every once in a while you can hear someone calling your name-but there is no way to answer.

Sometimes it is like your eyes are a video camera and your consciousness is watching what is being recorded but its like you are in a dark room somewhere really far away--you cannot interact with what is going on."

Diane.

According to that bible of psychiatry and insurance companies, The DSMiv, catatonic schizophrenia is defined as follows:

1. Catatonic stupor (marked decrease in reactivity to the environment and/or reduction in spontaneous movements and activity) or mutism.
2. Catatonic negativism (an apparent motiveless resistance to all instructions or attempts to be moved).
3. Catatonic rigidity (maintenance of a rigid posture against efforts to be moved).
4. Catatonic excitement (excited motor activity, apparently purposeless and not influenced by external stimuli).
5. Catatonic posturing (voluntary assumption of inappropriate or bizarre postures).

…During catatonic stupor or excitement, the person needs careful supervision to avoid hurting himself or herself or others. Medical care may also be needed because of malnutrition, exhaustion, hyper pyrexia, or self inflicted injury.

Although Catatonic Schizophrenia was very common several decades ago, it is now rare in Europe and North America.

Bandler reports the strange behaviour of people around catatonics - strange in that people have a tendency to whisper. I have encountered this behaviour with catatonics being nursed on general medical hospital wards, where their postures are changed every two hours, they are hand fed and watered and washed by the nurses. It is not unusual to find the catatonic positioned in front of a television or looking out the window. These patients will often have a urinary catheter and will soil themselves without complaint. Sometimes they will have intravenous hydration when they have reached a critical point of dehydration via refusal of/failure to initiate drinking.

Once I was in Napa State Mental Hospital in California, and a guy had been sitting there for several years on the couch in the day room. The only communication he was offering me were his body position and his breathing rate. His eyes were open, pupils dilated. So I sat facing away from him at about a forty-five degree angle in a chair nearby, and I put myself in exactly the same body position. I didn't even bother to be smooth. I put myself in the same body position and I sat there for forty minutes breathing with him. At the end of forty minutes I had tried little variations in my breathing, and he would follow, so I knew I had rapport at that point. I could have changed my breathing slowly over a period of time and brought him out that way. Instead I interrupted it and shocked him. I shouted "Hey! Do you have a cigarette?" He jumped up off the couch and said "God! Don't do that!"

Frogs Into Princes. p80.

One eloquent description of the catatonic experience is given by "Michelle":

I was not "aware" of reality at all. I was completely in my head, initially. I do remember one occasion, where my sister took hold of me and shook me and shook me "Michelle, I am TRYING to get through, can you HEAR me? Can you SEE me? Michelle, Michelle. Are you there?"

Realizing this was in some way important I do recall talking to her for a few minutes, but immediately went back to that other dimension and forgot about it.

Since the start of drugs though I have only become catatonic during an "episode" or "break". I am fully aware of reality, but am also aware of something that I consider to be more important than reality. The Universe. I could pick up a guitar and then not be able to move, be frozen in that position, sometimes not knowing or understanding why, just that it was or is so INCREDIBLY important that I don't move. It is so hard to explain "IMPORTANCE" to someone that does not have schizophrenia.

If you can think of the fundamental basis of existence and feel that you can affect it you might come close.

If it is important not to move, then it is important not to move. I don't know if I am a typical example. In normal life when my drugs are trucking along happily and I can function I have difficulty with silly things like soap. I wash my hands but my left hand always has to be washed a bit more, and then a bit more, and then a bit for luck and then a bit extra.

Oh it goes on and on and on .....................

An understanding of catatonia from the inside and a basic understanding of pacing and leading can work wonders with these states, as demonstrated decades ago by Laing:

In Chicago, Laing was invited by some doctors to examine a young girl diagnosed as schizophrenic. The girl was locked into a padded cell in a special hospital and sat there naked. She usually spent the whole day rocking to and fro. The doctors asked Laing for his opinion… Unexpectedly, Laing stripped off naked himself and entered her cell. There he sat with her, rocking in time to her rhythm. After about 20 minutes she started speaking, something she had not done for several months. The doctors were amazed. "Did it never occur to you to do that?" Laing commented…

John Clay. R.D. Laing - A Divided Self.

http://www.23nlpeople.com/schizophrenia_catatonic.htm

According to another site there was one man who stood with his hand out, palm down, for hours...when he finally came out of it he said that the forces of good and evil had been battling on the back of his hand, and he feared that if he moved it, the forces of evil would gain the advantage...very interesting. Bizarre, but it does make sense. One of my characters has this disorder...

Well, I know I have more to say but I can't remember it. Going over to eBay now...tar.