03-28-03 @ 10:28 am EST

I'm posting this here because hopefully I will not be taken to task for posting in my own journal. I realize that I stepped into this by asking for advice, but that's the exact reason I'm not posting this elsewhere.

I do not think I will ask for advice on my cat ever again. EVERY time I do, the people responding end up judging ME as a person based on how I supposedly treat my cat, and I just know that as they type their responses they are seething and thinking I'm a total beast. All I can say in response to that is that THEY are not the ones sitting here living with my cat, so they cannot know the truth. The truth is that I love him, and while I could possibly treat him better, do YOU know anyone who treats ANYTHING perfectly 100% of the time?

If you do, give them a medal, because they must be an angel or saint or something. In other words, they are very rare, if they even exist at all. Nobody is perfect.

As for what brought this on...I asked about desensitizing my cat to fear. He is a very cowardly cat, and almost everything scares him. Lately I have been trying to desensitize him a bit by carrying him outside and sitting by the tree while cars go by--he likes going outdoors, but he hates the car noises. When I do this, I make sure to hold him tightly and pet him and talk to him. He trembles, but he SEEMS to be getting better. Just a bit, but I assume something like this would take time. It must have taken time for him to get so afraid of everything; so of course the opposite will hold as well. And it's not like this is the ONLY thing I take him outside to do; after that, I take him over to the pavement, away from the cars, and he rolls around and eats grass and enjoys himself as much as he can.

I asked if this was a good idea or not, as frankly I have no clue. The way I see it, it can't hurt, because I am CERTAIN to treat him carefully and kindly while doing so. Don't they tell PEOPLE to confront their fears if they want to get over them? It's weird how none of this advice ever applies to animals, even though we have descended from animals. What gets animals afraid, after all? It's been proven in psychological tests that fear is a stimulus and can lead to a learned response. If an animal is exposed to that fear and learns it's not harmful, they should get used to it. At least in theory. Scientists are doing things like this all the time, albeit on a sometimes cruel level.

Anyway, I knew I shouldn't have, but I also mentioned the fact that I sometimes bounce a rubber ball to get Cosmas to obey. He does not like the bouncing ball and flees. I admit that this is not the best way to condition a cat that's already afraid of everything else. But I'll get to that in a moment.

Now...I'm not saying that my approach of desensitizing the cat is the correct one, the right one, or the best one. But based on the response I got it just pisses me off, because I can tell I'm being judged as some kind of animal terrorist based on what I'm doing. To refute this:

The fact that I yell was brought up, when I mentioned how Coz reacts bravely ONLY when I'm yelling. He comes and clings to my leg when I'm behaving violently. Perhaps he's doing this because he's truly afraid? someone suggested. He's clinging to you because he knows you won't hurt him? Try not to yell, because you're frightening him. Don't assume that he's being brave based on his actions. Don't think of him reacting as a human would.

Now, I KNOW he's a cat, and not all the same things apply. But I am the one LIVING with him, who has lived with him for about two years now, and I KNOW his reactions. He is NOT reacting with the same kind of fear when he attacks me when I'm yelling. He does not puff up and cower like he does the rest of the time. Perhaps my yelling upsets him (well, of course), and maybe on some level it DOES scare him--but he does not cling to me for safety. He clings to me because he's TRYING TO GET ME TO STOP. Not out of fear, but because I have the feeling he actually CARES when I'm angry. He does NOT react this way to the other people in the house. Granted, I'm the one who yells the most, but he does not cling to their legs and bite them when they're angry. Only me. And as I just said, he does not just cling out of fear. He comes running to me and, depending on how much I'm moving around, he may launch himself at my leg and bite me, or he may climb up the chair and put his paws on my back, or he may stand up and put his paw on my knee and look at me. Do those sound like the actions of a cat who is in fear for his own safety? No, especially considering that he HIDES UNDER THE COUCH when he is terrified. He does not do so when I'm yelling. He did so, the very FIRST time I got very angry, but not anymore. He comes AFTER me, actively attacking or trying to confront me. After experiencing this so many times, repeatedly, I can tell he's not afraid of me when I'm yelling, because he knows I won't hit him. He's trying to comfort me, or distract me. I KNOW this because I'm the one living with him, and I know his behavior. Maybe somebody not in my situation, who has not lived with him, can say I'm assuming too much human behavior based on a cat's reactions, but I know. Sometimes a cat owner just knows.

If my yelling terrified him the way other sounds do, he would NOT come running after me, even when I'M running away from HIM! Yes, if I try to escape him when I'm yelling and he's attacking--he comes AFTER me, and tries to stop me. Does that sound like the actions of a cat who's terrified of me?

So based on that, I KNOW for a fact that I AM NOT THE REASON HE'S SO AFRAID OF EVERYTHING. I admit that every so often, we jerk our feet or something and make him jump. And I do bounce the ball when I want him to behave. About the little intentional scares--are there any parents out there who are going to say that they NEVER played a little prank on their kids for a laugh? Never said "Boo!" or jumped out of hiding or something? Because that's what the little jumps are. How does he react after we do that? He glares at us, and forgets about it. He even gets us back in his own way, so there's no harm done. EVERY cat will jump when exposed to a mild fright--it's not a learned response, it's just instinct.

And the rubber ball trick. HE WAS AFRAID OF THAT THING FROM THE MOMENT I GOT IT! So I did not condition him to be afraid of the ball. In fact, when I got it I thought his reaction would be to try to steal it from me as it bounced. How could I know he would run away instead? And why am I so cruel as to use the ball to scare him into behaving? Because I have TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE AND NOTHING WORKS. People keep telling me, "Just let it go, he'll learn eventually." Hello, we have HAD him for TWO YEARS and he's not learning! He misbehaves, and something has to be done. I can even TELL he knows he's doing wrong based on his reaction to my reaction, but he does not stop. Tell me, if you're trying to type something or take a nap and the cat is pulling at the blinds, WHICH your dad has promised will result in him being taken BACK to the pound if he breaks them, what is the least evil you can do? Lock him in the bathroom for a few hours, lock him on the porch, yell at him, douse him with water, swat his behind, or bounce a rubber ball? As a pet owner, if you had to choose one of those, which would you choose? If you lock him up, you risk getting him bored or antsy or lonely. If you yell at him, you risk further bad behavior--this I know. If you douse him with water, he'll just come back in a few minutes! If you swat his behind, you have become abusive. If you bounce a rubber ball, he's afraid for an hour or so, and goes off to sulk in the utility room. BUT, he has free access to the entire house, to his food and water, he can sleep or wander around wherever he wants...and he'll get over it eventually. If you absolutely need your cat to obey and it comes down to one of those choices, which one would you choose?

Sometimes, I have to lock him in the bathroom, WITH his food and his water and a warm space to sleep in, because nothing works. The rest of the time when I can't be bothered tending to him for an extended period, I bounce the ball. Which is only like once a day, if at all. This is NOT something I go around doing constantly or for the hell of it, no matter what you may think. In fact, I feel GUILTY when I do it...but it's either that, or risk him tearing down the blinds and being taken away! Which would you choose? Because even though he's my cat, I am NOT the owner of this house. I cannot just sit and "let it happen," let him learn on his own to behave, because he will not. As much as I hate it, sometimes a deterrent or punishment must be served--I never said I liked the idea or thought it was the best--it's just what I have to do.

For the record, when I am NOT busy with something like typing or napping, I DO go over and remove him from what he's doing, hold him, play with him, talk to him, etc., so if you think I'm completely neglecting him, GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD THIS MINUTE.

Another question brought up: Does he NEED to go out? He's an indoors cat. Don't assume he wants to go out. Leave him in.

In my opinion, yes, he NEEDS to go out. I can't believe someone actually told me to keep my pet locked up in the house permanently! When I mentioned something like this before, people complained that I didn't let my pets out ENOUGH! I can't seem to win, it appears. Which is why I guess that all of the advice I've been given, people TELLING me how best to raise my cat, has been just OPINIONS. IMO, a cat needs fresh air and grass and to go outside and play, SUPERVISED. I mentioned how I hoped one day I could put him in his harness and leave him unattended like I did with Pepper, and this comment was jumped upon with "Don't compare him to other cats!! Don't force him into a harness!" Well SHEESH...isn't it natural to compare pets to each other? I only said I HOPED I could do that someday. I ALSO said even IF I couldn't do that, I hoped I could just take him outside, supervised, without a harness, without him getting afraid. Did I say I was even going to try the harness on him? Anytime soon? No, I just said it would be a nice thought. I honestly don't think it'll ever happen, based on how he's reacted to it. I just want to take him outside.

If he "didn't need" to go outside...then why does he always RUN OUT THE DOOR when he gets the chance? The respondent said their cats meow to go out, but freak out and stay inside when the door is opened. Why was this person comparing my cat to theirs if we're not supposed to compare pets? Coz DOES go outside when given the chance. It's just that he's afraid of the noise. So I've been trying to remedy this by handling him carefully and talking to him and petting him (these things were suggested, but apparently overlooked when I mentioned I'm already doing them!), only in combination with the cars going by. IMO, he seems to be improving. And I'm going to KEEP doing this so he can enjoy himself when he goes outside! Cats, BTW, eat grass because it makes them cough up furballs. That is one bonus. I also know how miserable I'd be cooped up inside all the time. Ah, now see, I'm comparing myself, a human, to a cat, which they told me not to do. Yet on the other hand they felt free to say that cats are like small children, and asked me if I'd enjoy being frightened all the time...how come they can compare two unalike things but I can't? I don't get it.

Does he have toys? was asked. Yes, he has plenty. PLENTY. They are all underfoot...and we play with him daily. He gets much more attention and love than Pepper ever did, as I vowed I'd treat him better. So do not try to blame his fear on me! He's practically coddled, and IMO he got his fear from being SHELTERED too much. He has zero contact with other people, with strange new things, and THAT is why he's so scared. Now I'm just being told to shelter him even more...the hell with that. Pepper was afraid of people, and I always hated that. I'll be damned if I'm going to let THIS cat grow up to be a nervous wreck. He's so sweet and cuddly when he's with us; I want him to be a sweet and cuddly cat whenever he feels like it, not just when he feels 100% safe. I want him to be curious, adventurous, and independent like cats are supposed to be. And if I'm wrong for WANTING my cat to be happy, like these people seem to think (heaven forbid I should WANT my cat to be something he's not, even if it's happy!), then I'd rather continue being wrong, than continue letting him be terrified of his own shadow. Because if he's always afraid, he will never be a happy cat when he's old. And then *I* will of course be the one who's blamed for coddling him so he's developed every anxiety in the book. Hell no. I know what it's like to live in fear of everything, and I do not want my poor cat to be the same way. I may not be able to face my fears, but I CAN make sure he learns he doesn't have to be afraid of every little noise whenever he goes outside. Or at least I can try.

Speak softly, they said; don't yell. All right, then please sign me up for some anger management therapy because I never did say I enjoy yelling. It's just something that happens when I lose control. Like slamming my hand against the desk until it turns black and blue, which I did, BTW, just the other morning. Coz's reaction? He came running out to see if I was okay. He was not afraid of me. When my fit was over, I made sure to go to him and let him know he was not the cause. He did not flinch away from me. I, the cause of his fear? This was not said outright, but I know it's what was thought. And it's not true, at least not in this case. But as I was saying, if it were merely a deal of me just "not yelling" and speaking softly all the time, then I'm going to need some major therapy to help me overcome my anger issues, because they're not going away on their own. Once more, I don't see anyone coming forward offering me therapy, so that's a moot point...I realize this is not the healthiest environment for a cat, with me yelling and getting angry and hurting myself whenever something goes wrong, but it's a hell of a lot better than somebody sticking a needle in him, isn't it?

Play with him, I was told; praise him when he does something right; hold him; pet him. Love him.

I do this EVERY DAY. Every single day! I'm not perfect, and I do get mad at him sometimes...but I treat him a lot better than I treated poor Pepper...and I'm a tiny bit proud of myself that he's treated so well. In fact I think it was the way I treat him well that got him so afraid of everything, since he's so coddled. I'm not ashamed of that, but it needs to be balanced out. I want him to be loved and cuddled, but I also want him to be brave and happy. Not a nervous wreck. I pet him, hold him, cuddle him, squeeze him, kiss him, babytalk to him EVERY day. He has merely to walk by and I'll say hello to him, as if he were a person and understood me. I hold conversations with him. When I let him into my room, I'll talk to him and he'll look back at me like I'm half nuts, but like he half understands me, too. When I catch him doing something he shouldn't, like stealing (he steals things a LOT), I may raise my voice, but I can tell he isn't afraid of me, and it usually ends up being funny instead of fear inducing, like the one time I chastized (sic?) him and ended up running around the house trying to GET AWAY from him. He has lots of toys, and I'm always getting more; Dad likes to make him jump after a ball on a string, and I like to toss things so he chases them. I'll tackle him and rub him over and scratch his back, and Dad will brush him with the broom, which he loves. I'll babble at him and call him every silly name I can think of--he probably has no clue his real name is Cosmas. I'll chase after him, and he'll chase after me. I'll get him fresh food and water right while he's drinking and eating and laugh at the annoyed look he gets. You know, I can't even BEGIN to list all the things I do with him, DAILY, because I can't think of them all off the top of my head, and I want to finish this entry sometime soon. Just so you know what I do for and with my cat. So you KNOW I am not some heartless monster who gets kicks out of scaring him, and who is responsible for him being a coward. I may be responsible, yes, but not because I scared the crap out of him.

When we got him at the shelter, he was not like this, so something happened along the way and he has LEARNED to be like this. I think what that something was, was he has not experienced things enough. He's been sheltered, protected. He needs to learn there are things out there he does not have to be afraid of. This is the only thing I'm trying to do.

Oh, and "Praise him when he does something right"...do you know what the VERY FIRST thing I do is, after I bring him back inside from sitting out under the tree listening to the cars go by? I pet him...scratch his ears and back...and tell him what a big brave boy he is.

And do you know what he does in return?

He gives me a certain look, with big lazy happy eyes, and purrs.

He is ALWAYS purring.

I like to think it's because I try to treat him so well. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm ashamed when I'm not...but I know I'm a hell of a lot better than some people. And I'm still trying.

Will YOU, Reader, judge me as some heartless, cat-scaring monster because of all this? It's easy to take a few things I say out of context and assume my cat is terrified to death because of me...but if you are tempted, I urge you to read over the rest of this entry. And the next time you comment about something, ask me what I've done with my cat that day. Chances are there'll be a long list of fun things we've been doing while I've been too busy to type it all in this journal.

If the person/people who inspired this entry ever see it, please know I'm not meaning to slam you, I just sensed hostility behind your words, and some of them WERE rather judgemental. This is not the only time I have had somebody seem to judge my entire person based on one post I made about my cat. And it's very hurtful when that happens. I post this entry to try to balance out all the negative ideas you may have formed about me. I hope it worked.

Not proofread; I have to go do something more constructive now. I am just tired of people flaring their nostrils at me like I'm some coldhearted beast who should not own a pet. He is MY cat, and even if I don't always know what's best for him...I know HIM...and sometimes that's what counts.