04-11-03 @ 11:32 am EDT

For want of a better title.

All right...this here is going to be a public personal entry. What that means is that should you see it and feel I am seeking responses or commiseration, in truth I'm not; I'm only explaining myself in the best manner I know how. You CAN reply to it if you want, but there is no obligation, and I will not feel the slightest bit of offense if nobody does.

I hope I can type this up in twenty minutes...basically I am going to try to explain my reactions to people in here, in as calm a way as I possibly can. I can't guarantee it'll sound calm to anyone else. I guess all I can say is that while I'm writing this, I'm calm, and I am not trying to manipulate anyone...at least to my knowledge. For all I know, I'm emotionally manipulating people all the time and I don't even know it.

Anyway...here we go. How I interact when reaching out. How best to do this? Maybe I should outline mental processes and such. Keep in mind that what's being illustrated here is NOT a description of one person. This is in fact something I go through every time someone tells me I can trust them. Like I said, here we go...

For a note, this is not the way it has always been...some of my defenses are relatively new, though they've always been there in some way, shape, or form...

Tehuti reaches out to somebody online for some reason; perhaps they share a common interest; that's the most frequent reason. Or perhaps the person has said in the past that Tehuti can reach out to them if she needs to. Whatever the case, she somehow comes into contact with them; they bump into each other, and Tehuti offers a wary hello. She may outline a problem she has, or something she wishes to talk over; chances are she will do so obliquely, so as not to seem demanding.

Tehuti: "This is something that's bugged me for a long time. I kind of wish I had somewhere to get it off my chest but nope... >_< "

Person: "Oh. That's okay. Do you know what? If you really have a problem with anything, you can come to me about it, Tehuti. I'd be glad to listen to you. All you have to do is let me know, all right?"

Tehuti: "All right."

Mentally, Tehuti is thinking two things...

One: *sigh* Why didn't they just directly ask me what was wrong? If they leave it open ended like that--"Come to me if you have a problem"--I'll NEVER go to them! I really WANT to talk to them, but I can't just approach them on my own...I have to have somebody ask me something directly first before I can start talking...otherwise I just know I'll be contacting them at the wrong time and bothering the hell out of them...I knew it was dumb of me to bring that up. They don't want to hear from me. They have lots of other people who depend on them. I'll leave them alone...

Two: "You can come to me about it"--yeah, right. I have heard that one many times before. Look what's come of it. I won't bother...

Both thoughts conflict for a long time. Tehuti wants to believe the person meant what they said, but will always be too busy for her; but there is always a little part of her that is cynical by now and believes the person was only being nice to her to spare her feelings. She hasn't one person she feels completely safe opening up to, and everybody she opened up to in the past ended up betraying that trust or never bothering to get back to her. This has happened so many times, she really doesn't know how else to react. Every time she believes in a good thing, it goes wrong. Maybe she sabotages things on her own and doesn't know it? She would not doubt it. She knows she does bad things like that, more often than she'd like to admit.

Well...the first stage has been gotten through, for better or for worse. Many times Tehuti feels like contacting this person for various reasons...to ask for advice on something, to ask for opinions on something (her dreams in particular bother her sometimes), to just commiserate, things such as that. But she always stops short. She stares at the person's name on the screen (for this is always online now, never in real life...she gave up on real life long ago) and longs to contact them, but always bites off the urge, sighs, and does something else elsewhere. "I'll only be bothering them," she thinks. "They don't really want to hear from me. They have their own problems and they don't need mine..."

Somehow, sometime, the two get in contact again. Maybe Tehuti finally contacts them with a problem, but it's only one of many she's needed advice or comments on. And it's probably not even a major one. Perhaps the person contacts her just to say hello? It happens, once in a while. If Tehuti is the one to initiate it, she sits and turns red and cringes and feels awful for bothering the person. If the person initiates it, she may not even read their message at first--why would this person want to write to her? Is it a mass e-mail, not even meant to be addressed to her? If she does read it and finds out it's personal, she's surprised, but happy to see it. She doesn't get many e-mails like that, and she's wanted to get in touch with this person, but couldn't do it on her own. Now this person has opened the door again. Maybe she stands a chance.

In any event, the two begin to write somehow. And the person eventually...after much prodding, because it seems Tehuti will just not believe anything they say...gets her to open up somewhat. She asks specific questions of Tehuti, and for some reason these make her talk more..."Did you have any dreams last night? What were they? What are you writing right now? What's it about? What are your thoughts on ___?..." If they had asked, "How are you? Care to talk about anything?" Tehuti would not have said anything beyond, "Fine. I don't want to bore you with anything..." But as they asked all these specific questions, she is actually writing a whole lot more...answering every question, no matter how odd or personal...spending paragraph upon paragraph talking about something...her e-mails get very long. She apologizes frequently for babbling, despite constant reassurances that the person likes long letters and is interested in hearing from her. Tehuti can't believe somebody would like to read her drivel, but is pleased to hear it anyway. Her letters get longer each time as she chatters, and the person chatters back--when Tehuti will even give them a chance, that is.

Tehuti: Maybe this person is different? Maybe they really DO like hearing from me? I like hearing from them, so much. I hate it that I only talk about myself all the time...I wish I knew how to talk about others. Like them, I bet they want to talk about THEIR problems...but it feels good to just talk about what interests me. I hope we can carry this on for a while.

Bad Tehuti: This person will be just like all the rest. Nobody likes to hear from me. They're just being nice. The same way I am; whenever I say I'm feeling fine, am I really? Whenever I say I don't want to bore anybody, so never mind, I don't have anything to say--that just means I have a LOT to say and I want so much to say it! Whenever somebody hurts me and asks me if they have and I say, "No, it's okay, I understand," is it really that okay?--NO! I would rather keep my hurt to myself than hurt somebody else's feelings, even if they hurt mine...anyway this will all end up the same way. I don't know why I'm even opening up. I should cut back. I'll just drive them off like I always do with all this blathering.

Tehuti is overcome by the bad voice and meekly says, "I'm sorry my letters are so long...sorry I babbled so much...sorry, sorry, sorry..."

Person: "It's okay! Really! I like hearing from you...all right? Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't have to limit your letters to me. I might not be able to get back to you immediately, but you can write to me whenever you want."

Tehuti will never believe it...but this person is still writing to her, and answering...so she'll keep writing, just a bit more...

Somehow, circumstances always come in the way. Tehuti has no way of objectively knowing what they are, as her mind conjures up all sorts of bad scenarios...she knows that some of them aren't true...but her bad voice insists they are...because how come things always end up the same way?

The letters grow fewer. Tehuti contributes to this, admittedly...she won't respond when there's nothing to respond to, so she sends fewer letters also. When she gets a short letter she doesn't reply. In her mind it's okay because she can't think of anything to say to short letters--this is why she prefers long e-mails--but this just leads to more misunderstanding. In any event, the line of communication runs dry...and the voices come back in force...

Tehuti: I knew it! I knew it was too good to be true...I know I drove them off...I ALWAYS do. I don't know why I keep falling for this!! Why do I keep opening up to people? I just scare them off! I'm too needy, or clingy, or desperate, or SOMETHING, but I KNOW it's my fault. I swear to God. The next time somebody says, "You can write to me," I will NOT do it. I WILL NOT! I'll just spare everyone the trouble and not open up ever again...

Bad Tehuti: They're the same as everybody else. I knew it. They'll always screw you over. I'm not surprised.

Desperately Logical Tehuti: I know that there's a valid reason! They can't get to the computer, or they're busy, or their Net is out, or something. They WILL get back to me. I just have to be patient. *I* take forever getting back to people, so why should it be different for others? Just hold tight and find something else to think about.

Bad Tehuti: OTHER people have others on call 24/7 when they need them. They can beg for help and somebody will be there at any hour of the day to help them. Not me. Never me.

Tehuti: It's because I take forever getting back to them. This is my payback. I deserve it for being so awful at this. I treated them badly and now I get the same in return. It's only what I deserve. The next time I just won't bother.

Desperately Logical Tehuti tries very hard to hold down the fort, but usually loses control after a few days. Control of the fort then alternates between Tehuti and Bad Tehuti, back and forth and back and forth again, depending on her state of mind. She can't explain why one gets control over the other and then loses it. It doesn't seem to be a self-confidence issue, as neither of them is confident.

Time passes. Eventually, the person does come into contact with Tehuti again. Part of her is very relieved, especially if the problem turns out to have been computer troubles or some such. If it was unavoidable, she is VERY relieved, and Desperately Logical Tehuti sits and says, "I TOLD you so! See? Why don't you believe me more often?" Bad Tehuti grumbles and crawls into a corner; Tehuti sighs with much relief and feels very stupid for overreacting.

If the reasons were different though...personal reasons, or unexplained...Desperately Logical Tehuti fades into the background...and the other two take over.

Tehuti: They're just trying not to hurt my feelings. I should just leave them alone. They don't need my burden.

Bad Tehuti: The SAME as everybody else. EVERYBODY ELSE! I AM SO F**KING STUPID!

Person: "...So are you still interested in writing to me? I'm still here, if you need me..."

Tehuti: "That's okay...I don't want to bother you. I'm fine..."

Inside: I'm NOT fine! I want to keep writing to you so badly, to just pour everything out again, but look what happens every time I do. I CAN'T go through that again so soon! I can't let myself be so stupid again. Even if you didn't mean it...I just can't be that stupid. Even if you really do want for me to keep writing...I just can't believe it. I want to, but I can't. The same bad thing keeps happening...the moment I want you to be there the most, you won't be. You're only human, and humans are unreliable, but I've just never felt that I could have somebody there for me when I need them. I know I'm too clingy and will always ask too much of you...even now I want to heap all sorts of demands for your attention all over you...but I can't do that to myself or to you. I can't put myself through that humiliation, and I can't put you through that burden. I ask for too much. I'll just tell you I'm fine and I don't need anything and I don't want to bore you and hope you believe me, and then we'll just go our separate ways...I'll let you think I'm fine, I have shrugged it off and started anew elsewhere, when in fact I'm feeling so much pain and bitterness inside. And some days it's all aimed at you, while other days it's all aimed at me. And it will always be there...I know from experience...because from all the other times it's happened, all of that hurt is still in here too. Every bit of it. I never forget when I've been forgotten...

The two may try to interact again. But Tehuti's heart is no longer in it. She WANTS to open up and start to trust (if indeed she even CAN trust?) the way she did before...but it just isn't working. She feels too embarrassed to open up again. It happened once, so she knows it could very well happen again--she will bore this person, or something else will get in the way, and the communication will falter. Even if it is outside problems beyond either of their control, Tehuti will always blame herself for it all. No matter which one of them she's angriest with that day, it's always her own fault. It's easier on her to think that all flaws lie in herself rather than in the people she opens up to, because can the whole world really be that uncaring?

Or is it just one person--herself--who's messed up?

She chooses the latter because it's easier to tolerate.

The person tries to get Tehuti to open up, and fails, repeatedly...Tehuti mumbles brief e-mails..."I'm fine, I don't have anything really to talk about...I don't want to bore you with that...I know you have better things to do and I don't want to waste your time..."

Finally the person just gives up. Perhaps they directly ask Tehuti what is going on. Tehuti might hedge a bit more, but she MIGHT answer. She tries to keep calm and sound calm, but it never seems to work; when she sends out an e-mail, similar to this entry, explaining what she's been thinking and feeling, she feels like a fool, manipulative, whiny, deserving of being ignored. She doesn't mean to give a guilt trip but she knows she does anyway. She doesn't know what else to do or how else to say it.

And the person accepts the explanation. But says, "You will have to learn to trust me, Tehuti."

TRIGGER: ALARM BELLS

Tehuti's defenses shoot WAY up. "Trust"...this is what she believes in most, yet can never really give...even as she demands it from others, she can just never give it in its totality. She does open up and trust people with information, it's true, but she doesn't trust people with her emotions. She's tried, but it never works. There is always a selfish motive she has. And even while she opens up to people there is always the Bad Tehuti carping in the back of her mind about how this person will be the same as all the others who've hurt her. She and Desperately Logical Tehuti try to shut the voice up, but it's always there. Most of the times she sits and wonders if she even knows what trust really is. She certainly can't remember ever feeling it before. She envies others and their support groups, all trusting...she wants to be in with them, but despises them at the same time...why can't she ever fit in and trust someone, and let others trust her? How come others feel that cozy feeling but she's always cold and hollow and cynical inside?

Tehuti: "...I don't know if I can trust. I'll try, and I don't mean to be offensive, but I just don't know..."

Tehuti: I know I'm sounding incredibly snotty here. If you don't trust someone, of course you are offending them! Don't I feel offended when somebody doesn't trust ME? I should just give up...something is wrong with me. You can't be friends if you can't even trust.

Bad Tehuti: It's best not to trust. Look what it would get me anyway. The same old thing.

Somehow, the two of them might work past this "trust" comment...but things are never the same. Once "bitten," even if the bite was unintentional and couldn't be helped...many times shy. Tehuti never opens up in the same way again. She feels too uncomfortable.

Tehuti: I'm putting too much pressure on them. I know it. If I weren't, they would be there whenever I need them. I am the one who drove them off by asking for too much. I know I say everything is fine when it's not, that I don't have anything to talk about when I do, that my feelings haven't been hurt, it's okay, when they have and it isn't. When they tell me they want to hear from me, they don't mind my letters...they must be doing the same thing I am. Just sparing my feelings. They're a lot like me so I should understand what they really want. They want to be left alone. Why write to somebody who says they don't even trust you? It's insulting. I'll just tell them I'm fine...they'll never hear from me again...

Bad Tehuti: And meanwhile, every time I see their name, I will feel such anger and spite and bitterness...and jealousy that they were not the ones who had to end this thing, but I had to. Just to spare myself from looking stupid all over again. What did I tell myself from the very beginning? It wouldn't work? I fell for it again, just like always. I'm stupid and deserve it. I won't open up ever again...I'll keep my anger and hurt to myself. Nobody will even know about it but me.

And Tehuti says a sad farewell and retreats to her own corner, putting on a fake pained smile while she seethes inside, while the person is left to wander off, probably in confusion or frustration, though Tehuti can't really tell what they're thinking; all she can do is "mindread" as she always has.

And another chapter begins and ends. One more disappointment, and Tehuti can't tell if it was 100% her fault or 100% the other person's fault. She wavers between the two, though it's usually her own fault. She can't help but feel anger and disappointment, though. Even though incredibly angry with the person, some part of her still wants them to reach out to her and pull her out of her muck and insist on starting over again...because if they approach and ask, "Do you want to try again?" she will of course lie and say, "I don't want to bother you..."

Specifics. Everything begins and ends with specifics. She can answer specific questions; open-ended questions leave her dangling, without a response. "Do you want...?" ends in hesitation. Orders to do something--"Write to me!" result in a desire to, but no action. "Write to me about ___" result in responses. But who wants to sit and command an adult woman all the time as if she has no mind of her own?

She can't initiate communication. She can't respond to generalities. She can't take the next step if somebody asks her if she wants to do something. It's like she doesn't know how to act on her own. And even if she did, the bitterness is always there. She judges people before they've even gotten off the ground. Why not? It always turns out the same way, from her experience. Maybe that's because she somehow makes it end up that way? Like it was said...she doesn't know. But she wouldn't be surprised.

And Tehuti sits and wants to find that communication again, but she's too afraid of losing and embarrassing herself and of boring anybody else. So she sits and writes a journal entry in the hopes it'll explain things...while at the same time thinking, will it even be read?--and understood?--am I just making it worse and causing huge offense by doing this?--should I have even taken all this time to type this up?--will I regret this later on? She can't know, but she's going to post it, and hope that even if communication never picks up again (she wishes so badly that it would, but she's too afraid to take the next step at the moment), that she hasn't hurt feelings. That's the worst thing Tehuti could ever do, is hurt someone's feelings. She can never forgive herself for that, no matter how much she herself might be hurting.

She posts the entry and cringes and beats herself mentally, considers beating herself physically, and tries to forget the embarrassment at least until the fallout occurs...whatever the fallout might be.

Drat it all, I wanted to be off at eleven to work on the Chronicles. She'hekha has become a new favorite of mine...badly beaten down, but laughing and RELISHING it and standing up again. And never trusting anybody. Does a little bit of him, at least, sound familiar?

This hasn't been proofread. >:/ Have to go now...tar...

(PS--don't read too much into this. I'm not angry right now. Just trying to sort my thoughts. They're a mess, aren't they?)