04-14-03 @ 7:41 pm EDT

Great, I will probably be ignored the rest of the evening because I just don't feel like talking. Dad kept talking to me about different things and all I could really do was mumble "Mm-hm" and such because that's all I had to say. He finally groused, "Are you cranky or something? You just keep mumbling and won't talk." I tried to explain, but when I don't fully get it myself, how can I explain it to HIM?

Is there really anything so very bad about just not wanting to talk? I told him it didn't mean I was being cranky, and it didn't mean I didn't like him talking to me. I just don't really feel like talking back. I wouldn't have anything to say today anyway other than "Mm-hm"! It doesn't mean I'm mad. It doesn't mean I WANT to be ignored or given the cold shoulder. I just don't have anything to say in return. Knowing him, what I tried to explain won't matter. He said, "I'll remember that when you want to talk later on tonight!"

I hope he was just "joking" in his own way. (Which is annoying.) I'm not ignoring him, I just have nothing to say. But I know from experience that when I don't say something in return, HE then gives ME the cold shoulder. On PURPOSE. Out of spite. Something I would never do to him or Ma. I told him how much I hate the cold shoulder, but knowing him, it'll have little effect...which is why I hope he was joking. Why should I be punished because today I just don't have anything to say? What is so wrong with that?

I started last night, so maybe that has something to do with it? Just this morning when heading to bed I felt somewhat relieved that at least my emotions haven't been going all over the map like they usually do. Maybe it's the opposite this time and I'm depressed without even knowing it? Today I feel very apathetic when otherwise I should be feeling happy. The temperature reached the EIGHTIES today, and I did not even feel like going out, no matter how much Cosmas begged. I just recorded my shows and came online and surfed a bit. Even that didn't rouse me. I just don't feel like doing anything today. I did write a bit on Part 11, raising it from 9kb to 17kb, which surprised me...I didn't even remember writing that much, and I'm surprised I got it out since that part has me blocked. But then I had to save it because I don't feel like writing anymore.

I don't even feel like typing up and copying this entry, but I felt I should probably do it while it was fresh in my mind. I even had a dream I wanted to describe but I don't feel like doing that either. See? I'm just kind of drifting around today without any desire to do anything at all. I do not feel calm or bored, just...I don't know. I can't even describe it.

And now I have the added anxiety that this will be held against me the rest of the night just because all I can say is "Mm-hm" instead of something intelligible. As if it is my fault! I wasn't feeling depressed, but now I think I'm starting to. I hope he was just joking; I so hate being ignored.

I don't feel like typing anymore or even proofing this for errors.

Well, he just remarked that if I back up my chair I'll crush the cat's ribs, so maybe he's not going to ignore me after all, I hope. I'm wondering if it would be better to be okay one moment and sobbing the next, or to just feel "nothing" all the time like this? I don't think I'd like either very much. Going now...tar...