04-17-03 @ 7:06 pm EDT

I saw a listing of people who had been made new moderators here, and once more there was one name on the list that made me feel angry and upset. I'm not saying that I deserve to be a moderator, as I don't. And I can't speak for the other three or four people on the list; I don't know them well enough to say what they do or don't deserve. But every time there is a spate of promotions, I always see some people who I wonder why THEY were considered qualified, because I certainly never seem to see them devoting themselves to the site the way some mods do. In fact there are moderators who I never see doing anything at all; I see their names and think, "Where are they busy at around here? I've never even seen that name before." Really, every so often I'll come across a mod's name and I'll have no clue who they are as it'll be the first time I've ever seen them. It's always rather weird.

I know, I could always just be looking in the wrong places. But there are some mods you just can't miss because they seem to be everywhere that advice is needed. THOSE people deserve the job. It's some of the people who have been promoted since I have been here who get me angry.

This time it was somebody *I* remember as a black case. *I* was one of the first people to notice them even though they'd been onsite for a while, and they even stated that it was one of MY reviews that encouraged them to post more writing, because they had been discouraged about doing so. I hate to say this as it sounds petty now, but I DID rate their story a little higher than the writing quality deserved. This was because it was on a topic I myself am dearly interested in, and in such cases, I sometimes feel higher ratings are warranted just because the subject matter is so interesting. The writing quality itself COULD have used some moderate help and corrections (it wasn't horrendous, but it wasn't 4-star quality either), but I liked that this person was writing on a subject that's so hard to find fiction on, so I rated it a four.

That was when they told me they were grateful for my comments and that I had given them new hope in their writing, which had been faltering (the hope, I mean, not the writing). And they started posting more and said they would check out mine.

Well, it took a while...but they did check out mine. NOW...my writing that they looked at was on the SAME subject matter as their own. I know that the TECHNICAL quality of my writing is about 4.5-5-star quality. I'm not bragging and saying my writing deserves that rating--perhaps my plotting, characterization, style, and OTHER such subjective things can knock a point or two off. But my TECHNICAL skills are very good--formatting, spelling, grammar, the basics. I LIKE to think that such things are taken into consideration when rating...though experience has shown me they're not. (I see people with horrendous technical skills win in contests all the time, whereas I don't even get honorable mentions.) I was very hopeful, then, that this person would check out my writing and would like it as I liked theirs.

They finally got around to reading two of my short stories. BOTH had nearly flawless technical skills. I can't speak for my style or anything. This person rated both of them 3.5.

I was too ashamed and embarrassed to ever read their reviews to see if this was indeed their average rating; in the past I have gotten 3- and 3.5-star ratings and reviews that were very kind. And I know I was probably stupid to expect higher ratings from this person just because I rated them higher than I normally would have. But considering the quality of their own writing compared to mine...I had thought my technical skills called for at least a four. Or higher. I took these ratings very personally as this is a subject close to my heart, yet apparently close to this person's heart also--they claim to be in an inner circle of people who should know more about the topic than I do--and I felt humiliated that this person I admittedly looked up to considered my writing on the subject to be "average," when I had even rated theirs higher than I felt it really deserved! I slunk into my shell after that and whenever they hinted at reading more of my stuff in the future I kind of said they didn't have to if they didn't want to...I was so embarrassed I didn't want any more of their ratings. Well, PART of me wanted them to be interested in my writing, but the rest of me was too ashamed! Here was someone who had told me I had given them hope in their own writing, but as for MY writing, it sucked!

I really still did, and still do, wanted to become closer penfriends with this person. They practically live in my backyard! I could probably drive to their house if I had a license! I have yet to meet somebody who is so close to me geographically, and they like some of the same places that I like. I would have loved, and still probably would love, to go to Mackinac Island with them. (By now I would feel too self-conscious and embarrassed, though, as they are apparently better than I am--not because they said so, but it was hinted, and they ARE now a mod, right?) So in lieu of R&R'ing each other's works, I asked them about their interest in the subject instead. They kept trying to refer me to other sources that I just can't use. For example, referring me to a nearby (not so nearby--like a half hour's drive when I am housebound) library's restricted section...like I would have access? I kept trying to get them to just open up to ME so we could write back and forth on the subject, but they kept trying to redirect me elsewhere. I sense it was because they really thought that was helpful. When the truth was, I just wanted us to be FRIENDS! AND to talk to EACH OTHER about the same subjects--not for them to refer me elsewhere! I felt additionally embarrassed because I felt they knew more on the subject I was so interested in, and they knew so much they couldn't even talk to me about it as regular people; they were superior to me, and had to refer me elsewhere. I felt the differences in our knowledge were so vast that we could not hope to just be friends on the subject.

It's the same way I feel when browsing Kemet forums: I like the subject matter informally, as a topic to write fiction about, but these people like the subject matter as a RELIGION or way of life and I feel too awkward to joke with them about writing such things or about telling them my own point of view on the subject, lest I offend them. I can't go into a Kemet forum and ask for advice on a story of mine because I see the gods in a completely different way--as characters in fiction--whereas they see them as GODS, part of their faith. See the difference and the problem? It's the same way with this person. I wanted to learn more on the subject to improve my writing, when to this person it was their way of life. I literally did not know how to approach them without being potentially offensive. "Hey, enough book suggestions. I just want to yap about the gods/mythological figures. Don't you think Anubis/Manabozho/etc. is cute?" Wouldn't YOU be offended if Anubis/Manabozho/etc. were part of your faith and I just wanted to talk as if they are a fictional character? Especially if my portrayal of them doesn't match your own beliefs? This, and the superior technical knowledge of others, are reasons I don't get comfortable in Kemet/Ojibwa communities and such. To me they are informal interests; to the others, they are not. We just can't mesh no matter what I do.

I finally told this person I just did NOT have access to the same materials they did. I don't remember what else I said. I believe they responded but I was too ashamed and disappointed by then to get back. I sensed they were more interested in their own writing and such to ever be my friend. I felt they felt superior to me or something, even though that's probably not true. I had only wanted us to communicate, not for them to refer me elsewhere and give me mediocre ratings on things that I admittedly did not know as much about as they did, but which I even STATED were fantasy. I can't explain what I was thinking; it was just very embarrassing to be told by somebody who had SAID to me that I gave them new hope in their writing...that my writing was worse than theirs was!

They promised to get back to my writing after they had finished with a "contest," but I was too ashamed by then and told them they didn't have to. Oh, I WANTED them to...but not if it meant more mediocre ratings for things I had put a lot of effort into. I get the feeling my technical skills were not in the least bit taken into account when they rated me. I guess my own higher rating of their work backfired, huh? I used to think this site was for the technical AND stylistic improvement of writing, but based on my own experiences with what wins around here and what doesn't, what gets attention and what doesn't, that's not the case.

That was the last I heard from them. Oh, though I did get a mass e-mail they sent out to everybody in their address book, so apparently they still have my address. Why? Why didn't they just delete it since they apparently did not want to be friends.

All of this would probably not have bothered me so much if, like that OTHER person who was for a time made moderator, they had not told me from the beginning that I was one of the reasons they gained more courage in their writing and started posting more of it. And then later on posted a public thank you to the people who had inspired them and...of course, *I* was NOT on that list. That was when they were yellow. All of a sudden I, the person who they even had SAID had inspired them to open up their port more, was no longer important? Not even worthy of one mention?

And today I saw they have been made blue.

I remember this person when they were a black case. *I* am probably the indirect reason they were MADE yellow in the first place, by encouraging them to post more of their work. This is exactly the same as it was with ANOTHER person who had been made moderator--with this other person, I was the VERY FIRST person to R&R their very first item when they were a black case! I think I recommended this second person for Preferred, and then they became blue. I was happy back then. Until they completely forgot about me. I even posted a link to one of my items in their forum after they had gone blue and they enthused about it and promised to get back to me with an R&R...and NEVER DID! Not even that ONE item of mine! (Same as the other person who was a mod for a time, who I mentioned above. I offered VERY DETAILED R&R's of many of his works and he promised repeatedly to offer me some, and NEVER did...then later on I found an item in his port asking for writers of longer works to offer submissions for him to read...well HELLO!...why hadn't he read MINE as he'd promised, if he was so damned eager?) Now, this other person is hardly ever active on the site anymore. They are always coming back and saying hi, they'll be more active...then they vanish for weeks on end. Never a word to say to me or a word to offer on any of MY writing. This makes me very angry.

And this person who has just been made moderator today? I have recently been wondering if they were even onsite anymore, as I used to see their name around here everywhere--they WERE very active--but the past few months I have not spotted them anywhere, not even in a forum for locals from the same area. I assumed they just faded away again. Why are they promoted NOW that they aren't as active? I thought mods were supposed to be the most active members around here.

Anyway...I remember both of these people as black cases. I probably helped them become yellow cases by encouraging them--they even told me this was so! As soon as they went yellow, they seemed to forget I existed. And now they are both blue, and I still do not exist to them. They haven't word one to say to me, even when they are thanking those they say inspired them here. They thanked me when they were black, and in their early yellow days...but heaven forbid they mention my name now.

What is it about me that made these people forget me as soon as they "made it big"? I wanted to be friends with both of them. (I'm not referring to the guy above who asked for long items to read; I have too much spite toward him to ever want to be a friend. He demoted himself or was demoted, last I knew, and isn't really around here anymore anyway. In case I forgot, he was ALSO somebody who forgot to thank me publicly when he offered public thanks. I wasted SO much time reviewing his items--even re-reviewed one after he edited it--in the shattered expectations that he'd get back to me. The only reason I had R&R'ed in the first place was because he'd said he would R&R mine if I R&R'ed his, so it wasn't like I did it selflessly, of my own volition. He later on deleted all those items. Jerk. You're WELCOME.) They even thanked me for helping them with their writing and for encouraging them. But one of them rated my own, technically superior (I can't speak for the style or plot or anything), writing lower than I had rated theirs, and never came back though they said they would, and the other never stopped by PERIOD. To this day they haven't a word to say to ME as a person. My name is on birthday lists and stuff around here, but they are never to be found sending me b-day greetings or just a card for no real reason or even a hello. I probably indirectly helped them reach the status they're at today and they do not know I even exist anymore!

I would not be jealous or angry of them being moderators now if they had remembered I helped them, and if they held to their promises to help me. And if at least not that, if they had just TRIED to be my friends. I thought it was obvious that I wanted to be theirs...I guess not. Because even when I do see them online (both just don't seem to be active around here, which is why the promotions mystify me), they completely ignore me.

YOU TWO ARE WELCOME! I have to yell it because you both forgot I even helped you get where you are today! Remember Tehuti? The yellow case who offered you both encouragement when you were just black cases? No, you don't remember me...

I was stupid to think that even if they could not thank me publicly like they thanked everyone else (I am ALWAYS left out of public thank you's when they're being offered to groups of people who helped...just as I'm always left out of public hellos in the forums...I knew I was nearly invisible, but when I used to be a regular in said forums, I didn't know I was THAT invisible!) that we could at least be friends or acquaintances. I was REALLY stupid to think that they could turn to me when they needed it, and I could turn to them. That never happens for some reason...it's like my name and face are easily forgettable. Because they really were sincere sounding when they originally thanked me, but I look and look and see not a trace of them even recalling me NOW.

I wish I could just e-mail them both and clarify my feelings on this...I WOULD still like to be friends with both, but I feel too lowly, stupid, not worthy of their attention, and angry. I was happy to have helped them back then...I WAS really happy when they went yellow...and I would be happy for their blue status now, if they had just remembered ME along the way. That, and a little friendship, was all I had ever wanted.

So I saw this new blue case today, and it brought all this anger and frustration up. I do not see the fairness of it. I offer the most helpful reviews I can, albeit rarely nowadays--which is why I do not deserve modship myself--and the people I knew as black cases have now outrun me even though they can't seem to be bothered to even say hello anymore. Or remember who helped them reach that status. They remember all the OTHER people, just not the very first one who helped them out. I seem to be very easily forgotten in such cases. I can't figure out why, since they sounded so happy when I first helped them out.

Do I expect too much in just wanting to be remembered? It seems like it.

This goes without mentioning others I knew as yellow cases who were very active and would occasionally e-mail me and such who then became blue and I'll be damned if I can ever see them active here anymore...they disappear for vast periods of time, stop in only occasionally, and while they seem to have an active communication system with others, they never have a word for me. I had wanted to be friends with them, too. It just seems I can't be friends with somebody if I knew them BEFORE they were blue. They always forget me once they're promoted. This hurts me very much, as I really liked them and hoped I could be part of their circle, but it never happens that way. I AM on good terms with some mods, but I think that's only because I knew them only AFTER they became blue. There just seems to be this difference in rank thing that excludes me from friendship or even thank you's when somebody who I knew as black or yellow goes blue. THIS is the real reason I become so angry when I see yellow cases I had known become moderators.

Not because I'm jealous--though I'll admit I am--but because I know that's ONE MORE person who'll forget I even exist. At times, the rank system here is not much different from the real world. "I'd like to thank all the little people"...I don't even warrant that, it seems!

I had hoped I wouldn't go posting a negative entry like this for quite a while, but I can't help it...I feel very disappointed in myself and in the situation. I thought that of all the people on this site, I could truly be friends with this new moderator, but now what slight hopes I had still had don't exist anymore. They...she is now blue, and as I had already been forgotten, there's no chance of her ever noticing me again, now. Even if she'd wanted to. Which I'm pretty sure she didn't. I'm too embarrassed to even say congrats or hello, remember me? to her now. "Remember you? Oh yeah...you're that...uh, somebody..."

Those people don't read this journal--even though for those with their own journals, I R&R'ed THEIRS long ago, and hinted I would be glad if they got around to mine--they never did--so I have nothing to fear from them finding out how I feel about them. I don't exist, remember?

I'm going to go browse books elsewhere and try to take my mind off this, though I know I will probably always be bitter about it. I will always remember when I am forgotten, and it will always hurt.

(BTW, there is a new part to RTMI out! Since Tuesday or early yesterday, in fact. It's been very quiet around here lately. I take it it's just because people are busy and it's the middle of the week, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Part 2 of the Chronicles, revised, is also almost done. Somebody R&R'ed the first one and expressed interest in more parts but I doubt they'll return. :/ Sorry I'm so negative today when I was so happy earlier. Tar.)